Safe. Legal. And none your goddamned bus'ness!

 Safe. Legal. And NONE YOUR GODDAMNED BUS’NESS!

Well these are quite the times, we heard a ruling about Roe

The Christian nationalists on the SCOTUS gave it the heave ho

And since nobody asked me lately

If I would opine

On what my take on this whole issue is

Well, OK, fine

Since you haven’t asked

And since, I am a straight white male

I know you need my take on this post haste,

So without fail:

My opinion on abortion?

Well here it is, bear witness

It should be Safe, Legal,

And none your goddamned bus’ness

Don’t call yourself pro-liberty

If your government watches

And weilds sovereignty over

What we do with all our crotches

Especially if’n you’re livin’ down there in a southern state

With higher infant mortality

Than Leb’non or Kuwait (look it up)

Yeah third world rates of infant death

Here In the US Skippy

So don’t claim your pro-life

(I’m lookin’ at YOU Mississippi)

None of which will be helped by these laws

All of the like’ll

Put dumb criminal penalties upon the menstrual cycle

Here’s the take away in case you still somehow ain’t gettin’ dis’

Safe. Legal

And None your goddamned bizness

Br.

Are we really gonna try to numerate and try keep pegs

One what a female does with her each and every egg?

Cause then, equality!! Keep track where my sperms all go!

Cause frankly sirs, that info, you don’t wanna fuckin’ know!

(It’s really quite astounding, someone might wan’ call Guiness)

Safe, Legal

And none your goddamned bus’ness

So let’s take abortion and maybe

not let it make us tribal

Let’s not mention it even once.

You know, just like the bible?

(Doesn’t mention the word once

In its whole  long-winded thesis

Not by Moses, not by Joshua

Or certainly not Jesus)

This right should be sacrosanct

And it should keep it on goin’

As does your right to shut up

And leave well enough alone

As when it comes to gay marriage

Or a person’s contraception

The  mind your own bidness rule

Continues to apply without exception

So don’t bring legislators

To try get all up in this

Just make it Safe. Legal.

And none of your goddamned bus’ness

Illegal Immigrants

Somebody stole my hat

It was a nice one at that

Custom made and signed

Truly one of a kind

So I found my rich friend

Who I go see now and again

And when the two of us met

My hat was on his head

I’d caught him red-handed

Lame hat-stealing bandit.

So I asked him “did he know

Who might’a stolen my chapeau?”

He thought of it a while

Then looked at me and smiled

He said “Oh, yes, your hat!

I do know all bout that…

‘

It. Was.

Illegal immigrants musta been

Illegal immigrants

Two thirds of the world’s riches

Are owned by them sumbitches

Illegal immigrants musta been

Illegal immigrants

Between them and ISIS

They caused the mortgage crisis

Illegal immigrants musta been

Illegal immigrants

Blame them and don’t blame me

I did not find his story

Quite Satisfactory

I mean, as previously said

My ding danged hat was on his head

I couldn’t understand

Why This corporate suck hat stand

hadn’t really even hid

After he’d purloined my lid

The crime it seemed so brazen

His lying pants emblazoned

It sucks when one you trust’s

Trousers spontan’ously combust

Didn’t seem to bother him

He just looked at me grim

Said he’d done all he can

Then muttered “migrant caravan”

Full of...

Illegal immigrants musta been

Illegal immigrants

They sneak in after dark and

Control the global markets

Illegal immigrants

Had to be illegal immigrants

The Panama papers 

Are full of them there capers

Illegal immigrants musta been

Illegal immigrants

Blame ‘em and don’t blame me!

I knew I couldn’t win

So I left the hat with him

Like all other things it went

Right on up to the one percent

Of potential repercussions

There would be no more discussion

He donned the hat of theft

And tipped it to me as he left

Then he threw it on a scrap heap

Built of tons of other caps he

Very clearly didn’t need

A hat-themed monument to greed

These aristocrats

They’ll always wind up with our hats

As long as we let these rich cats

Feed us this crap that’s total bats

Like how it’s always:

Illegal Immigrants

It’s always illegal immigrants

Them and that George Soros

They got it in for us

Illegal immigrants

Had to be Illegal immigrants

Ya’ know, they run the world

Look over there! Squirrel!

Illegal immigrants musta been

Illegal immigrants

Blame them for everything

Failure

Failure

by Winlar

1/6/2022

Failing is learning!

You should fail every day!

Fail fail fail

Every how, every way!

You have to fail to improve

Failing is no crime

Failing just means doing

Better the next time!

By all means fail!

Keep on failing ‘til you get it!

(Unless you’re over 50

Then, damn, it’s just pathetic…)

Losing is improving!

Losing means you learn!

Losing sparks a fire deep inside you

That will burn

Burn and make you better

Don’t let it get you rattled!

Losing means you tried!

Losing means you battled!

Never fear the losses

They’ll turn you into a bruiser!

(Unless you’re over 50

Then, yeah, you’re just a loser…)

Trying is everything!

Trying’s what you need!

Try try try!

You’ve got to to succeed!

You miss the shots you do not take

You lose the games not played!

So take the shot and win the game

Hooray hooray hooray!

Try new things! Meet new people!

Adventure on! Rock steady!

(Unless you’re over 50

Dude, give it a rest already…)

Test my Corpse for Covid!

 Test My Corpse For Covid

by Winlar

Sore throat, tight chest, coughing

Whole lot of fatigue

Do you think it’s Covid?

Oh, I’m sure you’re all intrigued

I should sure get tested

Find out what’s the deal

So I’ll make the next appointment in…

Two weeks? Can that be real?

Yep, the testing’s backlogged

From everything I’ve read

By the time I get one I’ll

Either be healed up or dead

So…

Test my corpse for covid!

Would you please my love?

I will be so reassured

To know just what I died of

Test my corpse for covid!

If you’re so disposed

Hope when they’re available

I’m not too decomposed…

Oh I know, I’ll just pick up

Take home tests from the store

I’m so sure it will be worth

The twenty thirty bucks or more

So I’m off to get one

At my local shop

Since the website couldn’t be bothered

To tell me they’re out of stock

Sure enough the friendly staffer says

“Golly, shucks, gee whiz”

I told her, “Hey no worries!

Except, well now you’re too at risk…”

Test my corpse for covid!

Once the tests arrive

That is if they come while 

Anyone’s still left alive

Test my corpse for covid!

Won’t you please my dear?

There should be some incoming

In the pandemic’s fourth year

I still trust the system

No ifs ands or maybes

Though it’s better suited

To delivering beanie babies

I’m sure we will work this out

And get it all corrected

We’ll have much more urgency 

Once everyone’s infected

Que sera sera you know

Whatever will be will be

That’s the attitude

I’m sharing with the CDC!

Test my corpse for covid!

Though I’ve turned to mulch

I’ll fin’ly have 48 hours

To wait for the results!

Test my corpse for Covid!

Hey I’m not depraved!

I’d sure hate to pass it to 

The guy in the next grave!

Exclamation Points!

So many! So many!

Exclamation points!

So many! So many!

Whole thing’s out of joint!

Edgy!?! Frightened!?! Nervous!?! Scared!?!

Why are there so many there!?!

Jumping out! Boo! Hark!

Surrounding even question marks!?!

Reading it! Mercy me!

Giving me PTSD!

Surely this must stop now! Oh!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

Don’t dare read it in a crowd!

Way too urgent! Way too loud!

And it isn’t getting better!

HEREIN COME THE CAP’TAL LETTERS!

MUCH TOO FREQUENT APPLICATION!

FOR A POEM ‘BOUT PUNCTUATION!

MAKE IT STOP! I’M TELLING MOMMA!

USE A PERIOD! OR COMMA!

NOPE! NO WAY! POETRY!

TURNED INTO CACOPHONY!

YIPES! JINKIES! ZOUNDS! ZOINKS!!

SO MANY! SO MANY!

EXCLAMATION POINTS!

Zoom Teachin'!

 I get up in the morning

Get out of my bed

Another day another ray Of existential dread I open up my laptop Log in and I see Lotsa little sleepy eyes Starin’ back at me I tell them all good morning And that they’re lookin’ cute And other stuff til’ one pipes up And tells me I’m on mute Zoom teaching Zoom teaching The hours by go creepin Am I doing any of this right? Zoom teaching (pause) bites Who can get logged in here? Half the class almost I got bumped out the meeting Now a 5 year old’s the host The internet’s unstable My feed is really glitchy It isn’t hard to see why educators get so... cranky Zoom teaching Zoom teaching So much etiquette we’re breaching This is How we make kids learn and think? Zoom teaching stinks Br. Oh It isn’t all that bad I get to stay home with my wife And i do wish kids had mute buttons On them in real life The coffee maker’s right there So I can fill my cup And I get to wear my sweat pants As Long As I don’t stand up The commute cannot be beat And the schedule’s not too menacing If only I felt like I was Accomplishing anything Zoom teaching Zoom teaching Hear that feedback screechin’ Is any of this worthwhile, who knows Zoom teaching (pause) blows Oops I’m still on mute Oops I didn’t share my screen Oops I did share and that website well it’s borderline obscene Oops the google doc I need’s Behind a firewall Oops I don’t think this is Even my classroom at all Zoom teaching Zoom teaching I’d much rather be on the beachin’ I can’t take this for another week Zoom teachin’ reeks Motivatin’ kids is easy Who would not rather do math On the same device where they Play Roblox and MineCraft? It’s a frustrating or boring Way for time to pass I actually wrote this song while I was technically teachin’ class (True story!) Zoom teaching Zoom teaching Oh please end this I’m beseeching This is why teachers make the big bucks… Zoom teaching sucks (goodnight everybody!)

Illegal Immigrants

Somebody stole my hat

It was a nice one at that

Custom made and signed Truly one of a kind So I found my rich friend I see now and again And when I met him, dread My hat was on his head Thought I’d caught him red-handed That lame hat-stealing bandit. I asked him “did he know Who might’a stolen my chapeau?” He thought of it a while Then looked at me and smiled He said “Oh, yes, your hat! I do know all bout that… It. Was. Illegal immigrants musta been Illegal immigrants One percent of them controls Two thirds of all the world’s wealth I’m told Illegal immigrants musta been Illegal immigrants Ya; know, they run the world Look over there! Squirrel! Illegal immigrants musta been Illegal immigrants Blame them for everything 2 I did not find his story Quite Satisfactory I couldn’t understand This corporate hat stand This silly one-percenter Could have been a my-hat-renter Yet he hadn’t even hid After he’d purloined my lid The crime it seemed so brazen His lying pants emblazoned He was s’posed to be my friend Turns out he’s just a horse’s end But that didn’t bother him He just looked at me grim Said he’d done all he can Then muttered “migrant caravan” Full of... Illegal immigrants musta been Illegal immigrants If it weren’t for their welfare I might give you healthcare Illegal immigrants Had to be illegal immigrants Man it’s such a crock They own 80 percent of all stocks Illegal immigrants musta been Illegal immigrants Blame ‘em for everything! 3 I left the hat with him I knew I couldn’t win Like all other things it went Right on up to the one percent He donned the hat of theft And tipped it to me as he left He threw it on a scrap heap Built of tons of other caps he Very clearly didn’t need A hat-themed monument to greed It filled me so with doubt What was this episode about? It so much hurt my mind That I was robbed by my own kind That even to this day I try to explain it all away Saying, it had to be Illegal Immigrants Maybe it WAS illegal immigrants Them and that George Soros They got it in for us Illegal immigrants I think it ‘was Illegal immigrants Between them and ISIS They caused the mortgage crisis Illegal immigrants musta been Illegal immigrants Blame them for everything

You Got the Right To Love

We got a fine constitution here

In this land of the free

But when it comes to given’ rights

It don’t go far enough for me

Because there are a lot of folks

Who just keep interferin’

With other folks freedom to choose

To whom they are endearing

So I’m proposing an amendment

And I’d be gratified

If you’d get it listened to

And, well, maybe ratified

You have the right… to…

Wed who ya’ want

Bed who ya’ want

Dress how ya’ want

Caress who ya’ want

Touch who ya’ want

Clutch who ya’ want

Choose the groom that you want

Use the bathroom you want

Wear what ya’ want

Be there for who ya’ want

Text who ya’ want

Sex who ya’ want

See who ya’ want and

Be who ya’ want

You got the right to love

I look upon the landscape and I have to say “oh brother”

Don’t we got bigger problems than folks tryin’ to love each other?

Let’s lighten up and smarten up and change the hateful tone

Bein’ free means you are free to leave lovers alone!

I’m tired of this obsession with where everybody pees

‘Cause you got one o’ those or this or that or one o’ these

Outlawing this outlawing that America, what is this?

Exercise your god-given right to mind your own damned bus’ness

Or to not to…