BDE

Coal and gas Yeah they suck ass They’re warmin’ up the planet Even methane gives the earth pain We seem doomed goddamnit Solar and wind, time and agin’ They’re just not there yet Nuclear could be pretty good But who will take that bet But I’ve found a way To light up our days Without a carbon penalty To fight global warming I am transforming And switching to Big dick energy! Big dick energy Big dick energy BDE It’s clean and it’s free Switch lto my big dick energy BDE Is the energy You see In guys who know A nuclear bomb’s Worth of calm Is lurkin’ down yonder below It’s a name for the status That you get for gratis When you have a giant pey-pey And you don’t need a song Extolling your schlong But maybe wrote one anyway Bid Dick energy Big dick energy When I’m unfurled I’ll save the damned world Switch to my big dick energy Br? I got just the junk Get us out this funk We always knew it was ma’gical But now in this crisis It helps defeat Isis Yes my crank is ecological! Some of you tools Love fossil fuels And you will quite surely doubt me but you can get bent My carbon footprint is the only thing small about me Big dick energy My massive girth Is saving the earth Switch to my big dick energy 3 So let’s get off oil And save the woyld Let’s give BDE a chance Who needs crude We’ll just use The refinery down in my pants A green new deal Could be for real It’s not all doom and gloom We’ve got the big dicks To do the trick (and that’s just in this room!) Big dick energy Me and my wang We fight climate change Switch to my big dick energy Big dick energy My big meat Will stop this heat My massive tool Is savin’ us fuel My prostrate Will make things great My giant peen Will turn us green My big thing’s Electrifying My big pecker Can run your Black and Decker My cockshaft Can fuel aircraft My love-spear Clears the atmosphere Switch to my big dick energy!

I Hate...

Lord it’s me Winlar Something to confess Been a long time coming Gonna be heck of a mess There are folks I’ve lied to Just to play along Many of whom quite likely are in earshot of this song Folks that I’ve pretended to get on with and respect But I can’t do that anymore twas wrong in retrospect So here is my confession So I can make amends Lord, oh Lord I hate comedians Lord, oh Lord I hate comedians There’s nothing worse than gettin’ on stage And taking a quick look And seeing the whole crowd staring at their cell phones and notebooks Jottin’ down those precious precious one-liners and bits In hopes one of them may someday be confused for wit Cravens cravin’ constant focus casual and formal No one needs that much attention No one who is normal Spare from these narcissists They take me round the bend Lord o lord I hate comedians! Br. They get up on the stage and bomb with all their shitty jokes Then whine about how the crowd’s either too drunk or too woke Always it’s the crowd’s own fault For not being in stitches Whiney whiney whiney whiney whiney little bitches! Pinning all their failure On the poor slobs who attend Lord oh lord I hate comedians So here’s the thing I hope you fucks remember from today When I say “nice set” what I mean is “go away” Your only purpose on this earth The reason you’re alive Is when I find you funny I know I’m too drunk to drive Oh wait, you do have one good line That gives me much delight Lord I love it when you say “That’s my time g’night.” Yeah The best thing ‘bout your tired schtick Is that it always ends Lord, oh lord I hate comedians

WOKE

 

You think you're one hip asshole keeping up on all the terms

Watching Fox and Gutfeld like the best behaved of worms

And I’ve been watching with you. I’ve listened and I’ve heard

That you oh too clever fuckwads have a new four letter word!!

A word you love to use so much you say time and again

A new word and you’re lucky this one doesn’t start with “N”

You use it like a new confederate flag you just unfurled

As the cause of all your fear and perceived evils in the world

It’s now become the trite answer to each and every question

Like “why do I not have a job” and “What’s this indigestion?”

It’s become your newest thing, your purpose, mission, cause

It’s all your hack comedians have to get their cheap applause

You use it in your politics, you use it in your jokes

-Yeah it’s your brand new buzz word.

Let’s all say it, “Woke!

You say that you are not it, as if that’s a source of pride

And you’re so glad not to use it like those on the correct side

Well, about that, I got bad news that you’re really gonna hate

Cuz I gotta remind you we’re no longer in two thousand eight

And vocabul’ry has moved on. It’s gonna make you sore

But nobody says “Woke” except racists anymore…

Nope. Nobody says Woke except for racists anymore…

It started out a novel word with lots of good intent

A way to try and tell a bunch of bigots to get bent

The term was ‘sposed to designate the too few human b’ings

Who read the room and realize that race is still a thing

But now it’s all gone sideways and gone so darned obtuse

That being “Anti-woke’s” become some grandiose excuse

For all of Trump’s ol’ rabid basket of deplor'ble minions

To hold on to their vilest fears and least informed opinions

And claim that they’re not racist, no, they’re never racist, nope

They’re somehow being ANTI-racist being anti-woke

And since they’re anti-woke we get to hear them sleep and snore

Nobody says “Woke” except racists anymore…

No. Nobody says “Woke” except racists anymore…

I wish that I could blame my jokes

Bein’ not funny on the “woke”

And it’s my slant being attacked

And not that I’m a soulless hack

And if the writing gets too hard

Just blame ‘wokeness” like Bill Maher

But I can’t use that tired basis

Because I’m sadly just not racist

And it would be total absurd

To blame my failure on a word

That I can't use, I'm not allowed

For only racists use it now...

Don’t you blame your lack of effort or your tired schtick

Don’t you blame it makes you come across a total dick

Don’t you blame material that’s best be called “meh, fine”

Don’t blame never bothering to have a damned punch line

Don’t blame the fact your jokes are old and stale and are just duds

Just say folks are "too woke" and resume slurping your own pud

Then die hard with your two bland minutes at the Com’dy store

Nobody says Woke except racists anymore

Nobody says Woke except racists anymore

Sad that that poor Word “Woke” has become the hue and cry

Of folks who kind of like it when the cops beat a black guy

It was folly, I now think, trying to define

People as “woke” simply ‘cause they’re thoughtful, brave and kind

All it did was give ammunition and buck shot

Against aforesaid people by those decidedly… not

The snoozers who ran with it and per usual stole the game

Because that’s really all they got ya' know is calling people names

And since they used it all up and now seldom is heard

Their tired and true old favorite, you know, the N-word

They’ve taken the poor “woke” word, which really should mean “nice”

And made it their favorite new dog-whistling device

And so it has become sadly one that we need ignore.

‘Cuz nobody says “Woke” except racists anymore…

Sigh. Nobody says “Woke” except racists anymore…

Safe. Legal. And None Your Goddamned Bus'ness!

https://youtu.be/cyb17vTTq3E

 Safe. Legal. And NONE YOUR GODDAMNED BUS’NESS!

Well these are quite the times, we heard a ruling about Roe

The Christian nationalists on the SCOTUS gave it the heave ho

And since nobody asked me lately

If I would opine

On what my take on this whole issue is

Well, OK, fine

Since you haven’t asked

And since, I am a straight white male

I know you need my take on this post haste,

So without fail:

My opinion on abortion?

Well here it is, bear witness

It should be Safe, Legal,

And none your goddamned bus’ness

Don’t call yourself pro-liberty

If your government watches

And wields its sovereignty over

Everybody’s crotches

Especially if’n you’re livin’ down there in a southern state

With higher infant mortality

Than Leb’non or Kuwait (look it up)

Yeah we got third world rates of infant death

Right here, damn skippy

So don’t claim your pro-life

(I’m lookin’ at YOU Mississippi)

Here’s the take away in case you still somehow ain’t gettin’ dis’

Safe. Legal

And None your goddamned bizness

Br.

Are we really gonna try to numerate and try keep pegs

On what each woman does with every each and every egg?

Cause then, equality!! Keep track where my sperms all go!

Cause frankly sirs, that info, you don’t wanna fuckin’ know!

(It’s really quite astounding, someone might wan’ call Guiness)

Safe, Legal

And none your goddamned bus’ness

So let’s just deep-six all these laws

All of which the like’ll

Put dumb criminal penalties upon the menstrual cycle

And further when it comes to gay marriage

Or  contraception

The  mind your own damn bidness rule

applies without exception

These rights should be sacrosanct

And we should keep ‘em goin’

As does your right to shut up

And leave well enough alone

Stop you legislators

Tryin’ to get all up in this

Just make it Safe. Legal.

And none of your goddamned bus’ness

I Write Fiction

People ask me Winlar why do you debase yourself

Performing for the unwashed masses

Why waste your talent and Kamaka tenor ukulele

On folks who won’t even get off their asses?

They say you’re bunch a layabouts who wouldn’t lift a finger

To even try to get anything done

Well that ain’t true I’ve often seen you lift a finger

It’s just it’s usually the middle one

They tell me that I’m wasting my genius on you losers and I have to say I beg the contradiction

You’re all winners in my book

…I write fiction

I make a point not to judge on other people I’m always kind congenial and gentle

And I just wouldn’t dream of judgin’ any of you all right now as some of you are very clearly mental

Cause bein’ judgemental, where’s that even get ya’?

I love all of you the equal and the same

As people I meet under classier circumstances who aren’t irrevokably lame

Nope you will not find me a’ judgin’ or a’juryin’

Don’t even think you rate my jurisdiction

Nope. You’re all winners in my book

…I write fiction

Br.

Sorting people into classifications

That’s the kinda thing done by snobs

I don’t think other people are better than you, just ‘cause maybethey can hold a job

No you won’t hear me using 

awful terms like low-class, ill-mannered or uncouth

Nope I’m too classy to use words like that

Even if they happ’n to be the truth…

So I’ll go and repeat it, it’s really a nice sentiment, don’t see why it’s causin’ any friction

You’re all winners in my book.

…I write fiction…

Yeah, This whole notion of winners and a’losers it’s a thing that anyone just shount do

I Don’t divide the world in two and call one group “winners”

And go and call the other group, well, you

Life as they say, it ain’t a competition

No matter how horrifically you play

A situation that the likes of you must be quite thankful for

Each and every motherfuckin’ day

And yes you could improve a lot in lots of minor areas like manners, hygiene, etiquette

And diction

But you’re all winners in my book

…I write fiction

Yeah you’re all winners in my book

(It’s a pretty thin book…)

I write fiction!

You’d like it, there’s pictures!

The Bible in We Didn't Start the Fire form

 The Bible, sung to the tune of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”

You didn’t know you needed it, but you do.

God makes earth in the begin

Adam, Eve, Orig’nal sin

Fall of man, God’s great plan

Cain kills Abel

Flood and other this and thats

Canaan cursed, then begats

Table of nations, tower of Babel

Abraham hits rock bottom

Destruction of Gomorrah and Sodom

Isaac’s Sidekicks, Esau, Ishmael

Jacob steals the birthright

Then beats God in a fight

Stairway to heaven, now he goes by Israel

He runs off and double weds

Leah, Rachel, lots of kids

Run around, lost and found

Joseph gets a coat

Sold into slavery

Though his brother’s knavery

Feast and famine,

 Lil’ Joe gets his game on

Then to Egypt they all go

Joseph working for Pharoah

Joseph dies

Plagues of flies

Moses grabs the ball

First borns die, lots of fuss

Moses leads an Exodus

Red Sea Deadly

To Promised land they crawl

Bunch of military stands

Burning bush, ten commands

Manna, hosanna

Little golden calf

Amorites, Amelikites

Cloud by day, fire  by night

Tabernacle, buds on Aaron’s staff

Israelites keep up the pace

Moses gets a shiny face

Wrath of God, Ephod

Golden ark stays hidden

Breakin’ down the Jewish law

Sacrifices to the God

Sinai, Levi

Some foods get forbidden

Census taken, Folks rebel

God sends rebels straight to hell

Earthquake, Bronze Snake

Water from a rock

Balaam’s donkey, Midianites

Lots of real one-sided fights

Promised land, Moses banned

40 years? That wasn’t planned!

Eatin’ Quail and livin’ large

Moses out. Josh in charge

Crossing Jordan, Fall of Jericho

Circumcision at Gilgal

Caleb proves a trusty pal

Canaan! Ah man!

Fin’ly, in we go!

Battle entered, Sun stands still

Five Amorite kicks are killed

Plots allotted to the twelve tribes

Confident they’re fin’ly home

Now they bury Joseph’s bones

Praising, grazing

Lots of diatribes

Judges set to rule the place

But the people lose their faith

Deborah, foo for ah

This goes on a while

Othniel and Ehud bite

Gideon kills the Midianites

Micah, like ya’

Samson and Delilah

Samuel comes, folks want a king

That may ruin everything

God says fine, Philistines

Then they turn to Saul

Saul disses Samuel

Country then goes right to hell

David sings, grabs a sling

Then Goliath falls

Saul goes nuts from jealousy

David will the next king be

Might men, Jerusalem

David and Ziba

Lots of infidelity

Absolem’s conspiracy

Naughty hottees

Nathan, Bathsheba

Much much later David dies

Solomon is very wise

Temple built, no more guilt

Then the baby split

He kills off his enemies

Fetches lots of cedar trees

Then his death, what a mess

Everything to shit

Kingdom gets split in two

Lots of kings, god knows who

Ahijah, Elijah

Nehoboem, Nadab

Asa, Baasha, Elah

Omri, Zimri, Judah

Prophets come off it

Ahab, Ben-hadad

Ahaziah, Zechariah

Pekahiah, Hezekiah

Sallem, Menahem

Mount Carmel

Elisha comes, how ‘bout that?

Jumpin’ King Jehosophat!

Jehoazaz, Azaz

Jezebel

Elijah goes straight up to heaven

Still eating the bread unleaven

Axhead floats, scape goats

Kids get in a scrap

Envoys from Babylon

More and more kings on and on

God condemns

Jerusalem

Then we must recap…

Chronicles reiterates

Lots of names, lots of dates

Exile

Takes a while

Ezra rebuilds

Xerxes, Darius

Jews won’t intermarry us

Confession, Procession

Everyone is thrilled

Brand new walls begin to wail

Esther lives a fairy tale

Mordecai, real cool guy

Haman gets hanged

Nehemiah brings them back

Fends off loyalist attack

Exiles reconciled

Back! Well, I’ll be danged!

Brief tangent, now comes Job

Pretty little epic ode

Psalms and Proverbs

Praising things to death

Solomon sings a song

Chorus tries to sing along

Ecclesiastes, Life is nasty

All is meaningless

Isaiah born, ungrateful nation

Persians and Lamentations,

Prophesy, Poetry

Mountain of the Lord

Oracles, Ezekiel

Jeremiah goes through hell

Adultery, Imagery

Drought, Famine, Sword

Nebuchadnezzar’s dream

He gets Daniel on his team

Lion’s den, Shows them then!

God’s the way to go!

Floating hand writes on a wall

Fiery furnace free for all

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego

Jonah swallowed

Joel Hosea

Romans conquer all Judea

Zephaniah, Zechariah

Ain’t we havin’ fun?

Coming of Zion’s king

Zerubbabel, the signet ring

Malachi dots the eye

End of Act one!!!

Teenagers!

A song about parenting (about 13 years in)

Enjoy! (Lyrics below)

Children, god they’re beautiful

‘Specially your own;

Parents, savor these fine jewels

Soon they’ll be full grown

Love each little trait

Love each slip and fall

Even appreciate

Those times they cry and whine and bawl

Their delightful little smiles

The funny things they say

Enjoy these things all while

You still can see them everyday

Love these little guys

These little golden dream makers

Cause in the blink of an eye

They turn into fucking teenagers…

Teenagers, Fucking Teenagers

Whiney nasty, gangly little gits

Teenagers, Fucking Teenagers

Who only exist to give their parents shit

2

Now their voc’lizations

Seem just heaven sent

Soon every conversation

It will be an argument

Plus their faces flare up

Time will have its ravages

Those delightful little cherubs

They turn into fucking savages!

T. FT

A stage out of which they’ll hopefully grow

T, FT

(Mocking) 

Yeah Dad I know I know I know I know!!

Br.

Oh great, you figured it out

Your generation figured everything out!

You’re so smart and we’re so dumb

Us, OK Boomers, yeah, it’s not boomer it’s Gen X but OK Do whatever you like you stupid fucking…

T. FT

Their sentences are abnormally curt

T FT

But yet still they just really really hurt

Oh they are sweet now

But you just observe

In a few years they’ll learn how

To tap dance on your every nerve

Time goes by so quick

Soon you’ll wish it went faster

So they can jump the ship

And then, you’ll miss the little bastards

T FT

Can’t live with ‘em can’t leave ‘em alone

T FT

Stop staring at your mother fucking phone!

T FT

They get more annoying by the hour

T FT

Would it kill you just to take a fuckin’ shower?