Sunday, July 31, 2022

The Bible in We Didn't Start the Fire form

 The Bible, sung to the tune of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”

You didn’t know you needed it, but you do.


God makes earth in the begin

Adam, Eve, Orig’nal sin

Fall of man, God’s great plan

Cain kills Abel

Flood and other this and thats

Canaan cursed, then begats

Table of nations, tower of Babel


Abraham hits rock bottom

Destruction of Gomorrah and Sodom

Isaac’s Sidekicks, Esau, Ishmael

Jacob steals the birthright

Then beats God in a fight

Stairway to heaven, now he goes by Israel


He runs off and double weds

Leah, Rachel, lots of kids

Run around, lost and found

Joseph gets a coat

Sold into slavery

Though his brother’s knavery

Feast and famine,

 Lil’ Joe gets his game on


Then to Egypt they all go

Joseph working for Pharoah

Joseph dies

Plagues of flies

Moses grabs the ball

First borns die, lots of fuss

Moses leads an Exodus

Red Sea Deadly

To Promised land they crawl


Bunch of military stands

Burning bush, ten commands

Manna, hosanna

Little golden calf

Amorites, Amelikites

Cloud by day, fire  by night

Tabernacle, buds on Aaron’s staff


Israelites keep up the pace

Moses gets a shiny face

Wrath of God, Ephod

Golden ark stays hidden

Breakin’ down the Jewish law

Sacrifices to the God

Sinai, Levi

Some foods get forbidden


Census taken, Folks rebel

God sends rebels straight to hell

Earthquake, Bronze Snake

Water from a rock

Balaam’s donkey, Midianites

Lots of real one-sided fights

Promised land, Moses banned

40 years? That wasn’t planned!

Eatin’ Quail and livin’ large

Moses out. Josh in charge

Crossing Jordan, Fall of Jericho

Circumcision at Gilgal

Caleb proves a trusty pal

Canaan! Ah man!

Fin’ly, in we go!


Battle entered, Sun stands still

Five Amorite kicks are killed

Plots allotted to the twelve tribes

Confident they’re fin’ly home

Now they bury Joseph’s bones

Praising, grazing

Lots of diatribes


Judges set to rule the place

But the people lose their faith

Deborah, foo for ah

This goes on a while

Othniel and Ehud bite

Gideon kills the Midianites

Micah, like ya’

Samson and Delilah


Samuel comes, folks want a king

That may ruin everything

God says fine, Philistines

Then they turn to Saul

Saul disses Samuel

Country then goes right to hell

David sings, grabs a sling

Then Goliath falls


Saul goes nuts from jealousy

David will the next king be

Might men, Jerusalem

David and Ziba

Lots of infidelity

Absolem’s conspiracy

Naughty hottees

Nathan, Bathsheba


Much much later David dies

Solomon is very wise

Temple built, no more guilt

Then the baby split

He kills off his enemies

Fetches lots of cedar trees

Then his death, what a mess

Everything to shit


Kingdom gets split in two

Lots of kings, god knows who

Ahijah, Elijah

Nehoboem, Nadab

Asa, Baasha, Elah

Omri, Zimri, Judah

Prophets come off it

Ahab, Ben-hadad


Ahaziah, Zechariah

Pekahiah, Hezekiah

Sallem, Menahem

Mount Carmel

Elisha comes, how ‘bout that?

Jumpin’ King Jehosophat!

Jehoazaz, Azaz

Jezebel


Elijah goes straight up to heaven

Still eating the bread unleaven

Axhead floats, scape goats

Kids get in a scrap

Envoys from Babylon

More and more kings on and on

God condemns

Jerusalem

Then we must recap…


Chronicles reiterates

Lots of names, lots of dates

Exile

Takes a while

Ezra rebuilds

Xerxes, Darius

Jews won’t intermarry us

Confession, Procession

Everyone is thrilled


Brand new walls begin to wail

Esther lives a fairy tale

Mordecai, real cool guy

Haman gets hanged

Nehemiah brings them back

Fends off loyalist attack

Exiles reconciled

Back! Well, I’ll be danged!


Brief tangent, now comes Job

Pretty little epic ode

Psalms and Proverbs

Praising things to death

Solomon sings a song

Chorus tries to sing along

Ecclesiastes, Life is nasty

All is meaningless


Isaiah born, ungrateful nation

Persians and Lamentations,

Prophesy, Poetry

Mountain of the Lord

Oracles, Ezekiel

Jeremiah goes through hell

Adultery, Imagery

Drought, Famine, Sword


Nebuchadnezzar’s dream

He gets Daniel on his team

Lion’s den, Shows them then!

God’s the way to go!

Floating hand writes on a wall

Fiery furnace free for all

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego


Jonah swallowed

Joel Hosea

Romans conquer all Judea

Zephaniah, Zechariah

Ain’t we havin’ fun?

Coming of Zion’s king

Zerubbabel, the signet ring

Malachi dots the eye

End of Act one!!!




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