Thursday, December 20, 2007

Perhaps Seattle will land the Knicks!

With all the talk of the Sonics potentially leaving town, I found this interesting article about the Knicks being unexpectantly sold. Thought that I'd post it.

New York Knicks sold to Seattle-based ownership group
Group downplays possibility of relocating team, but likely will

The New York Knicks, a fixture in New York, and Madison Square Garden have been sold for an undisclosed sum to Seattle multi-billionaire Jay Stennett. Stennett, an arms dealer and direct email marketer is also CEO of the Basketball Club of Seattle Who Will Bring an NBA Team to Seattle. (BCSWWBNBATS)” Stennett immediately downplayed speculation that the Knicks would be moving.

“The Knicks have a great fan base and a rich tradition here in New York. Move the team from New York to Seattle? That would make about as much sense as moving a Seattle team to, I dunno, some smaller town in the Southwest or something.” Said Stennett.

Where it does make sense that the team would stay in the nation’s largest and most influential market, Seattle is an interesting proposition, since the Key Arena, renovated just 12 years ago, is newer and thus more appealing than the historic, but old Madison Square Garden. “We’re going to need a brand-new facility, funded entirely by tax-payers, but we’re all very optimistic that we can make this work. It’s going to be a lot of work, but I’m very bullish on New York,” Remarked Stennett. Stennett then went on to say that if a workable solution was not fully in place by 3pm next Tuesday he would have no other choice but to “look for other options.”

Stennett who consistently referred to the team as the “Seattle, er, sorry, New York Knicks” raised his fortune selling armor piercing bullets to the military, and had his net worth greatly upgraded by the current political situation in the Middle East. He has spent the last 20 years of his life trying to bring a basketball team to Seattle area, despite the fact that Seattle already has a basketball team, and has for 40 years. In high school he was voted “Most likely to relocate an NBA basketball franchise to Seattle. Next month he is to be inducted into the Seattle hall of fame. “We’re excited to enter the New York market!” Stennett went on. “Have you built me that stadium yet? No? Come on people, time’s a tickin’. I got a plane to catch and a big salmon dinner waiting.”

NBA Commissioner David Stern expressed “nearly genuine sadness” for New York’s loyal fan base, but claimed that the NBA was powerless to block the deal, or any proposed move. He also said he was “disheartened” by New York’s clear lack of support for the 8 and 17 Knicks, exemplified by booing in Madison Square Garden. “The booing, empty seats, and reluctance of politicians to spend half a billion dollars at a time when our nation is at war is a vivid example of how the Big Apple refuses to support professional basketball.” When hundreds of fans sent Stern harsh emails and phone calls in response to these remarks he cited them as “another show of how New Yorkers are hostile to the NBA.” He went on to say that “The relocation of the team is entirely the fault of New Yorkers, who left a nice man like Jay Stennett no choice.” He then rushed off to speak at Stennett’s Seattle Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

Now-former Knicks owner James Dolan said he was “extremely optimistic” about the team’s future in New York. “In my opinion, selling to a Seattle businessman with no ties to the city, and who has utter contempt for its fan base and citizenry is the best chance to keep the team in New York,” claimed Dolan, world-class idiot. “We’re sorry to sell the team, but we lost 42 million dollars last year, and only some of that due to sexual harassment lawsuits! Another 10 or 11 years of those kind of losses, and we no longer would have been able to sell the team for a gigantic profit!” He added, “I do hope they keep Isaiah though. My love for him knows no bounds.”

The future of embattled General Manager Isaiah Thomas remains in doubt. Most likely he’ll be fired, forced to retire or “simply made to disappear,” according to one source close to the group. Thomas expressed his personal confidence that he would stay with the Knicks and likely be promoted.

Knicks fans, who eventually will have absolutely no say on the matter, had mixed emotions on the pending sale and subsequent demand for a new stadium. “I love the Knicks!” said one fan. “This is a sad day! If only we had done a better job of supporting a team that hasn’t made the playoffs in half a decade and hasn’t won a championship since the Nixon administration.”
Others were more critical. “NBA players come from a social class below mine and are now in a class far above mine. I won’t support this kind of rampant social mobility with my tax dollars. Tax money should only go to paying for police, prisons, and developing technologically superior smart bombs,” chimed in someone with no friends.
“The team’s leaving? Bummer. But it’s worth it to get rid of Dolan and Isaiah! Go Giants!” said most people.

Perhaps as a good-will gesture, Stennett hired former Knicks great and fan favorite Walt Frazier as president of basketball operations. He then fired him five minutes later.

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