Thursday, August 28, 2008

News Quiz!

As I get ready for my political show, it’s time to make sure you’re up to speed on the issues, so that you’ll be able to follow along! So here’s a quick quiz!
(If you’ve been watching cable news, you should have no trouble matching the questions to the answers below!)
Good luck!

1. What positions have each candidate taken on the role of the World Bank, IMF, and WTO?

2. What is “Extraordinary Rendition?”

3. How many children are currently living in poverty in the US?

4. What is the number one cause of bankruptcy in the US?

5. How much money has each campaign received from the oil industry?

6. What occurred in Iran in 1953 for which Iranians still harbor resentment for the US?

7. What is John McCain’s health care plan?

8. How many voters have been “purged” off of eligible voter rolls in the past 4 years?

9. What positions do the candidates have on media consolidation?

10. How many Iraqi civilians have died as a result of Operation Iraqi Freedom?

Scroll down for the answers!

1. Jeremiah Wright
2. Fist Bump
3. Brangelina
4. John Edwards
5. Elitist
6. Secret Muslim
7. Hillary cried
8. Seven houses
9. Lapel pin
10. Brett Favre

Nice Job! Sounds like you’ve been paying attention!
See you at the show!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Olympic Notes

Not a lot of time for blogging this week, as I'm working on my show and I have Olympic fever! So that in mind, here are a few thoughts about the Beijing Olympics.

-Every Olympics I become Canadian. They have way better coverage, far fewer commercials, and when they win something, man are they HAPPY! I’m so blessed to live close enough to the border to get the CBC. So as the Olympics go on, I just imagine that the border migrated about 300 miles south. Bob Costas versus Don Cherry? Come on!

-Fencing. There is nothing about this sport that would not be helped by giving the fencers furniture to jump around on. Doubles the ratings right there. Somebody needs to get on this!

-Not to take away anything from Michael Phelps' accomplishments, but aren’t the number of medals in swimming sort of inflated? Basically, you swim back and forth various distances, but you can double your medal winnings by being the fastest to swim the same distance a different way. (Butterfly, breast stroke, etc...)

How many more medals could track and field stars garner if they offered not only the 100 meter dash, but also the 100 meter skip, 100 meter run backwards, and the 100 meter hop on one foot? Jesse Owens would have had about 20.

I’m not saying that track should add these, but rather that swimming add hurdles. Some kind of aquatic javelin would also be fun.

-Lastly, synchronized diving? Why? Why do we have this? Why?

See you next week,

Friday, August 08, 2008


Hey all. 34 days to my upcoming show! Busy busy busy. But here's a timely rant that I'll likely cut from it. Enjoy. And remember. Sept 12th, 13th and 19th!

So this political process has brought us the stupidest accusations of all time. No I’m not referring to the accusations of secret Muslimism or being the Antichrist or that John McCain’s middle name is “W.” No, I’m talking about the accusations of FLIP-FLOPPING!
I don’t argue that both candidates have done it. They’ve done it early and often. They probably both flip-flopped twice in the time that it took you to read that sentence. That’s not the reason, however, that it’s a stupid accusation. It’s a stupid accusation because it assumes that flip-flopping is a bad thing, when in actuality it is the one thing I hope every candidate can do!

You know who never flip-flopped? Hitler. Anyone wish perhaps he were just a little more fickle? Did Stalin listen to the will of the people a little too much for you? Flip-flopping is the number one quality that we SHOULD want in a president.

I’m tired of politicians who say “I don’t govern by the polls.” Yeah, who cares about public opinion IN A DEMOCRACY!

“Oh, he’s a flip-flopper! He… listens… to the people he… works for… then he tries to… do… what they want…. That’s not the way things are supposed to be, is it?”

Memo to politicians. As an elected official, YOU WORK FOR US! And we are a fickle, fickle bunch. So you’d better be flexible and you’d better start flopping!
We forget that we’re the bosses in America. The corporations don’t forget that. But the people do. We, the unwashed are SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE!

An election is like a job interview and the American people are doing the interviewing. And when you’re interviewing for a job, the answer to everything is “Yes sir!”
Don’t start the interview by listing the things you won’t do:
“I don’t believe that government should be the solution.” Try telling the folks at McDonalds that you don’t believe in fast food. See if that puts you on the fast track to management.
“I think the free market works better than government.” Try telling Burger King, “I think the tables will bus themselves…”
“My philosophy of government doesn’t allow me to take that position.”
Yes, and my philosophy of breakfast doesn’t include ham and egg burritos, but you shouldn’t tell that to the folks at Taco Bell. It upsets them.

I’m so tired of “Government shouldn’t do this” and “Government shouldn’t do that.” I got news for you. This is a democracy. Government can and will do whatever we goddamned want it to!

Stop having opinions and philosophies of government. We don’t pay you to have opinions. If we got paid to have opinions in this country, I’d be a fucking millionaire. You’re not in office to espouse your opinions; you’re in office to carry out our whims!

No. We the people want an employee, not a bunch of crazy opinions. Start acting like a boot-licking toadie if you want my vote.

Oh, and you’d better kiss some babies. Why? Because babies have fat cheeks and we want to know if you’re good at kissing fat cheeks. We just may have some more fat cheeks you’re gonna need to be kissing. Do you get what I’m saying? Thank you.

Power to the people!
Winlar out.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Socialize This!

Hey! Sorry to not have blogged for so long, but I've been on vacation, and working on (drumroll please...)


Winlar '08: Making Things Worse!

September 12th, 13th and 19th at the Famous Jewel Box Theater in the Rendezvous Bar and Restaurant! 8pm! (Still amazingly just 10 bucks!)

Mark your calendars!

And as a little teaser, here's a little snippet that I'm working on for the show Enjoy!

Here’s a complaint I get sometimes. “You’re a Communist! Like Hitler!”

Man, that hurts. Did you get that GED from Harvard?

It really bothers me that whenever Democrats suggest anything to even slow capitalist greed down they call Democrats “Socialists.” Hmm… So Socialists receive millions of dollars in campaign contributions from huge corporations? Is that what they’re about?

The whole thing is ridiculous, because Socialism means that the government would actually ever have some kind of power, and I don't see either party recognizing that...

What is anybody even talking about socializing? We can’t even socialize health care, and that’s been proven to WORK!

But this got me to thinking that perhaps there are some industries out there that we should take a long look at nationalizing. Some that, quite frankly, need some federal help. So, without further ado, a quick list of some industries the government couldn’t possibly run any worse than they are being run right now:

Cable TV. Does anyone here have the Comcast DVR? Tell me that even the least effectual government bureaucrat could not improve on that unadulterated piece of shit. Fast forwards for 5 seconds, and then it just freezes. The thing makes ColecoVision look like a supercomputer

Honestly, the cable companies are sucky monopolies anyway so making them a government monopoly couldn’t possibly be much worse. They have it coming. It’s a done deal. Cable companies, we’re nationalizing you tomorrow. Sometime between noon and six pm. Be there.

Sports: Um, last time I checked, we’re building all the stadiums anyway… You keep hearing sports franchises saying things like this: (This is based on a true story, perhaps you’ve heard it?) “I just bought this franchise for 350 million dollars, and now you have to build a 500 million dollar facility, or we’re leaving!”

So an easy solution, why don’t we just pay the 350 million and buy the team ourselves and then spend the extra $150 mil on free beer?

Clay Bennett, may he rot in hell and by that I mean, “may he rot in hell TODAY, wouldn’t be anything more than a rich asshole. (As opposed to a rich asshole with my fucking team. Yes. I'm still bitter.)

The Post Office: Imagine a utopia where the government controlled the mail and a letter sent easily and efficiently from doorstep to doorstep anywhere in the country for but 40 cents. What an idealistic dream that would be… Oh wait, skip that one.

A State-run Ministry of Propaganda: You know, to give glowing, biased accounts of what great things the current administration is doing… Oh wait, that’s already outsourced to Fox news. That one’s done.

Energy: This would be a big reversal. I know we’re used to the energy industry running the government, but we should take a turn running it for a change. Sounds like a fair trade.

Um, the oil is under OUR country. Um, it is sort of the linchpin of the entire economy. Perhaps we should have at least some government control?

Maybe the feds couldn’t do better than $4.25 a gallon, but I’d rather get sodomized by someone I can vote out of office rather than have no say whatsoever as to the price of gas. Plus, in the future when we go to war for oil, this cuts out the middleman!

And speaking of getting sodomized, that leads me to:

Pornography: State run porn! It's the best idea I have ever had! We already had a preview of this with the Starr Commission report.

This could be a moneymaker! I have it all figured out. C-SPAN 4! Sexual Congress!

Starring Eliot Spitzer. Larry Craig, Mark Foley. Now they’re earning their congressional salaries!

Think of the marriages it could save:

“Are you downloading porn, you sicko?”

“No hon, just seeing who to vote for… Man, I’m such a good citizen!"

Sure, keep government out of a woman's uterus, but there are some other parts that I'm comfortable with it touching...

“Introducing Bill HR 1423 sub clause five: campaign finance reform. The vote for cloture will now begin… (Cue the bad Jazz-funk fusion music) Boump bit di boum boum…” Everybody wins with this scenario!

Just a few suggestions. Feel free to comment and suggest some of your own!

Until next week,

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