Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Whack Nativities

So there’s been a lot of talk about the atheist’s sign on display at the Washington State Capitol. It’s in a special area with a “holiday tree” and a nativity scene, the theory being that you can have a religious display on public property if you also open it up to other faiths (or lacks of faith) as need be. Well, the freedom from religion foundation took them up on it, and now… well we’ve got a hell of a mess. It’s not just ugly, it’s Bill O’reilly ugly, and that’s pretty ugly.

(Note to O’reilly: Matthew 19:23-34 “It is harder for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” See you in hell Bill!)

While I find the wording of the sign a bit harsh, and can think of a lot of other ways the point could be made, I do feel obliged to say to the poor, misguided folks protesting it that THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON’T KEEP CHURCH AND STATE SEPARATE! We’ve told you members of the Christian right and anyone else who might listen, that not only is the mix of faith and government bad for the state, it is also bad for religion. When you demand that religious monuments be displayed on public property, the public (read: government) gets to decide what face your religion shows to the world.

And it could be worse than just a few angry atheists. Imagine that the state-supported nativity that you fought so hard for included, say, I don’t know... Something ridiculous… Say… I dunno… a little figurine of a world figure defecating on the whole scene…


No, go back and look again. Scroll through the gallery and read it.


Yes, in the Catalan region of Spain, there is an actual TRADITION of putting a figure in the nativity who… oh, how should I put this? Takes a dump in the corner. Imagine if someone demanded that on the White House lawn! Imagine one of those full-size live versions... OK, stop imagining, be glad there aren't a lot of vocal Catalans in our state, and stop complaining when you hear "Season's Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas, glory to God in the highest."

And do think about this anytime you’re tempted to breach the walls between church and state. Your efforts could end up with a world leader literally and figuratively taking a crap in it.

Now is that really what you want?

Happy holidays, Seasons Greetings and Joyous Saturnalia,


Wednesday, December 03, 2008

When We Say Freedom

When We Say Freedom… We Mean Money

By Winlar

Many are confused by
U.S. foreign policy
They wonder what we mean when we say
“Freedom isn’t free”

Well, freedom has a lot of meanings
Different usages of the word
And our current regime’s definition might be
Different than ones you’ve heard

It’s a simple misunderstanding
You know it’s actually quite funny
When we say “Freedom?”
We mean money

You’ve heard our president say
“Freedom came under attack”
Our freedom took a hit
So we went and got some in Iraq

Our reasons for invading
Iraq were really sound
They have a lot of freedom there
Once you pump out of the ground

Bush done named it “Operation Iraqi freedom” done he?
Well when he said freedom…
He meant money

Freedom of the press
Fox news, and CNN
Freedom of religion
The Christian Coali-shen
And if our freely elected leaders you must reach
Well you’re gonna need to raise a little “freedom of speech”

They’ve watered down the word so much
It’s getting kinda runny
When they say freedom
They mean money

Fight for freedom in Darfur?
or Rwanda? Sure, well, fine
Just as soon as we can find a way
To make it fit our bottom line

It’s not that we don’t love third world freedom
Enough for war
It’s really nothing personal, just…
Ooh, they’re so poor!

Get some more foreign investment
Then we’ll talk there sonny
‘Cuz When they say freedom,
They mean money

I hope now that you understand
Why freedom isn’t free
You can only live in freedom
If you pay the membership fee

So as they say so proudly
“Let freedom ring”
I hear some freedom now
Ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching

We love our freedom so much
It really isn’t funny
And when we say freedom… we mean money!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

God of STD's

I know. I'm going straight to hell, but at least we'll be laughing all the way there. Here's a song to help teach "Abstinence Education" to our nation's youth. Full lyrics and chords below.

God of STD's
By Winlar

F Dm Bflat C

God created love. It’s the greatest thing he made

But that don’t mean you’re doing his will when you’re out getting laid

What you’re thinkin’ bout’s a sin the way you behave you

Must never ever act upon the urges… God gave you


Bflat C

God created love

F Bflat

That’s plain to see

Bflat C

But our loving God is also


God of STDs

F, Dm, Bflat, CCC

God created love so love with naught to hide

But know that God created love with one mean downside

God set down some rules for love in Leviticus

And ifyou not follow them God fills… your junk with pus

God is love, but platonic love

I think you will agree

Remember that you’re messing with

The God of STD’s


Gm Dm

You may laugh and say what do I know about love

Gm Dm

You may taunt me or tease me or scoff

Gm Dm

But heed my advice and you’ll thank me someday


When your penis DOESN’T fall off

Love’s a gift from God to everything that’s living

But God can also gift you with the gift that keeps on giving

So you might think that you love that boy so bad it gives you fits

But you never know when Satan might be lurking… in his naughty bits

Love’s a very blessed thing

We all can agree

But don’t mess with the blessings of…

the God Of STDs

So remember kids to use your bible not your common sense

Demons, hellfire, these are things that condoms won’t prevent

Life Romance and Happiness for those you’ve God to thank

But read the good book you’ll see on the eighth day… God created skank


God is the creator of all eternity

But our maker has a side job…

God of STDs.

Monday, November 10, 2008

My Heart's in a Condition of Extraordinary Rendition

In honor of the news the NY Times reported today about secret missions our military has been conducting into countries we're not at war with, I thought I'd post this little song about "extraordinary rendition." That's where the CIA secrets people away to countries where torture is legal and, well, who knows what happens, but they supposedly start talking. This naturally inspired me to write a love song. Enjoy!

My Heart’s in a Condition

Of Extraordin’ry Rendition

By Winlar




My heart’s in a condition

Of Extraordin’ry rendition

No freedom since you got a hold of me

Been beaten black and blue

To make me say that I love you true

Your love takes some uncivil liberties

Oh the things my heart has done

Ever since I met you hon’

It really is so hard to explain

I said "how do you do"

And the next thing that I knew

My heart was handcuffed, gagged and forced onto a plane

My poor heart vanished with no trace

To some dark and scary place

You know they say that love can curl your hair?

Well it can straighten it out too

Especially when you

Got your Electrodes hooked up dear god knows where



They say love takes one to strange places

Now I know what that means

I just wish your strange places

Weren’t run by such cruel regimes…

And now my love I’m locked in

To your love’s extreme shock doctrine

I haven’t felt quite right since don’t know when

Not sure where it will get us

But I love you dear, now let us

Never ever ever speak of this again….

Monday, November 03, 2008

My Endorsement

With one day left before the election, pollsters tell us that one in seven voters may still be undecided. How? You’ve had two years people! What kind of laissez-faire citizen must you be to not have accidentally gleaned enough info at this point to at least make the wrong decision?

But then I realized what it is everyone is waiting for! MY official endorsement. Yes, I realized that I haven’t officially endorsed anyone yet, and though it shouldn’t be too hard if you read my work, watch my shows, or hear my songs to figure out which candidate I’d endorse, if you’re still undecided at this point maybe you’re just not smart enough to read which direction I’m leaning without me out and out saying so.
So here goes:

I endorse, with nearly every fiber of my being, Barack Obama for President of the United States. So if you’ve been undecided, please go vote for him now.

In short, he’s one of us and all of the opposition’s attempts to paint him as “the other” have only managed to point this out in greater detail.
He wasn’t born to wealth and privilege. He’s worked hard to gain everything he’s achieved with an intellectual curiosity this college graduate finds deeply refreshing. He hasn’t turned his back on his roots either, pushing for health care, tax fairness, higher wages, and social equality for the middle class.
And outside of the many tangible issues he's right about, let’s just talk about the gut reaction we get from this guy, which is that he can flat-out lead. Whether he’s right or wrong, flim-flam or the real McCoy, I will follow this guy. I’ve heard folks question what this “Svengali-like hold” Obama wields over people is. Might I suggest it might be a thing called “leadership” that we’ve been without so long we hardly recognize it anymore? Dismiss it all as "words" if you must, but we live now in the information age, and commanding words is an important part of commanding a nation.

With this endorsement of course, I do not wish to disparage Senator McCain. Following his career as I have, I have always thought of him as an honorable man. I don’t wish to disparage him. Unfortunately, through his campaign, he has disparaged himself.

Senator McCaskill of Missouri said it best. “Barack Obama is running to fix America and John McCain is simply running against Barack Obama.” I’ve long respected Sen. McCain’s position on reform, but he has dishonored himself with the low nature of his campaign.
Perhaps out of desperation he has played the “guilt by association” gambit, a gambit which does a disservice to McCain’s honor, to our political process, and to logic itself. But since McCain began with that gambit, he has fallen victim to it, as his own association to a miserable unjust war, a running mate with no ideas or experience just bile and insults, and a Republican Party so mad to remain in power they will forego decency, morality and the good of the nation. Were this country the child in King Solomon’s Conundrum, they would clearly rather it be split than share the rule of it. Such friends defame you Senator McCain, and while I may have welcomed you in the White House, your friends have vandalized its walls and we can’t have them there anymore. You would serve your honor best to disassociate from such people.

So there you have it. I endorse Obama and any force to change the direction of this nation towards progressive policies where EVERY American dream stands a better chance of fulfillment.

Now go vote.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Ode to Joe the Plumber

Boy, Obama sure did have trouble answering that question from that guy who came up to him and... completely made it up... Bad mistake for Barack the Senator grounding his answer in reality while "Joe the Plumber" (Well, at least the “the” is accurate) based his question on a business that didn't exist and circumstances he just made up. But still, a folk hero is a folk hero and even this one deserves his own ode before he (hopefully) disappears into the abyss of political obscurity. So here we go.

You think a quarter mil’ a year makes you middle class?
Joe I hope you’re a good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math

Well Joe it seems you got yourself in one hell of a mess
Goin’ up there to Obama and asking him a question
And ever since we’ve seen you spoutin’ off your rabid views
About how you’d be taxed more to all who watch Fox News
Yes Joe, you sure hate taxes, no ifs ands or buts
But a little research shows Obama’d get your taxes CUT

You should have checked your figures there, before you spewed your wrath
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math!

You’d buy a made-up business, but you’re scared of the taxes
Uh, two secs to crunch real numbers will show you what the facts is:
Buying that unreal company won’t raise your tax berth
'Cuz you pay income tax on INCOME, not what the company’s worth
So great news! No one will tax you just 'cuz you’re ambitious
(And there’s no tax at all, when the company’s fictitious!)

So your little pretend company won’t make you take a bath
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math!

You say that you’d be taxed more than the Average Joe
Just because you’d make ‘bout 6 times what average is? Oh NO!
Were your business real, which it isn’t, even so
The tax penalty that you’d pay, um, it ain’t a lot of dough
To avoid a coupla' bucks in tax, you’d honestly forgo
A 200 K increase in pay? Great business sense there Joe!

Instead of fake tax you'd pay, think of the fake wealth you'd amass
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, ‘cuz you sure do suck at math

The politics of laissez-faire sure do have their appeal
When you talk about people who aren’t suffering or… real
So stick to plumbing Joe, if your work is worth the price
And when you add your bill up please don't mind I'll surely check it twice
But as for punditry, your misspent fame, well, it’s been fun
But come Tuesday, your famous fifteen minutes should be done.

Use a calculator first, THEN talk out your ass
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, ‘cuz you sure do suck at... political science, foreign policy, economics, country music, giving interviews, punditry, personal hygiene, oh, and math!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

God Bless Our Constitution

God Bless Our Constitution
(It’s worth giving up freedom for)
By Winlar

F Bflat
God bless our Founding fathers for a contract they did sign
Which put our rights and freedoms right there on the dotted line
It’s called a constitution and God knows what it’s about
But it’s something that we cherish here there isn’t any doubt

But in 2001 the document came under fire
Some sick and twisted terrorists to steal it did aspire
And tragic’ly the parchment that the thing was written on
Was not designed to shield us from Al Qaeda’s dirty bombs

Bflat F
So let’s keep this thing safe, let’s lock it up behind closed doors
God bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for!

What makes this land so great? Why it’s a wondrous document
Which gives full-unchecked power over us to government
But now the creed’s under attack. By Terrorists thieves and knaves it’s
Clear we must destroy the document, if only but to save it

Damned if we’ll let Terrorists have rights we so adore
God bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for

You know those wacky terrorists
Have such amazing talentses
The hide ever so cleverly
Behind our checks and balances
So do not stop to read it
Like some intellectual dorkus
Or they’ll jump right out and stab you
Right there in your Habeas Corpus!

It’s a wonderful ol’ document, just not when we’re at war
God bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for.

So come on folks, we're mired in this fearsome fight of fights
And we cannot be encumbered by some weighty Bill of Rights
So let's safeguard our principles where they'll be far from woe
Let's lock that constitution up safe in Guantanamo!

It’s got sentimental value that we don’t use anymore
God Bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for

Monday, October 20, 2008

Welcome to the Country

I actually wrote this months before the recent economic meltdown, and yet it still works. Here's a clip from the last show, lyrics below.


Welcome to the Country

By Winlar



Welcome newborns to this world of ours

Welcome to the planet’s greatest nation

Where wealth abounds and there is still some economic growth

Marginally once you’ve adjusted for inflation

I know you’ll have a life of love and prosperity

Doin’ whatever you’ll be doin’

Despite the fact that decades of bad

Economic practices will surely lead us to impending ruin

Oh may you have a wonderful life

With joy and love and even weekend days off

At least until our monetary system collapses

And society spirals into chaos

Bridge 1

You’ll have a sparkling life

Despite the pending strife

Don’t worry about this, not yet

I know you’re just days old

So you have not been told

You were born nine trillion dollars in debt

So as you grow, and go, you know

That life is mostly all fun and cheers

Especially when you’ve shunned fiscal responsibility

Like we’ve been doing lo these 30 years

But don’t you sweat the post-apocalyptic hell that we will soon live in

Get that out of your head

That economic nightmare is still many years away

And by that time both your parents will be dead!

Oh may you have a wonderful life

And stay on the right side of the layoffs

At least until our monetary system collapses

And society spirals into chaos


All this is years away

Don’t let it ruin your day

So what if our currency is flawed?

It’s possible you may

Not even live to that day

Oh, and by the way there is no God

Life will always have its triumphs and its crises

There’s a fine line there I guess will always be

But even finer is that finer line that any day could snap

Between our civil code and violent anarchy

But you know crisis means the same as opportunity

It’s possible things will turn out neat

So good luck outrunning all the godless starving hordes

Who’ll want to kill you just because they need the meat

I know you’ll have a wonderful life

I’ll bet your team always makes the playoffs

At least until our monetary system collapses and \

Society spirals into chaos

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Comments from the right

OK, so I posted my "Are You Really That Stupid" song on Facebook, and I've gotten some right-wing hate mail answering the question very much in the affirmative. I think the comments are very much a microcosm of Republican campaigning in general, so I thought I would share the exchange with you, my dear blog fans, all seven of you. (You may wish to scroll down and watch the video first.)

First, the comment:

1. Are you wearing a hair helmet or is that seriously your hairstyle?

2. You look like the kind of guy that would support Obama because you are always looking for the next thing the government can do for you instead of actually doing something for yourself.

3. Did you wake your Mom when you were making this video or did you have her basement door shut while you were in your "room" (a curtained off corner of the basement I assume).

4. Do you actually have any idea about Obamas proposed policies.


--John C. Namewinlarmadeup.

And here's my patriotic response:

Dear John,

Thanks for checking out my video!

I always appreciate intelligent, thoughtful, and constructive feedback. I also appreciate yours.

Thank you for enlightening the current political debate with a stream of ad homonym attacks, tired catch-phrases and assertions that you can't possibly know are factual, and as it turns out, aren't. May I hazard a guess that you sir, are a Republican?

Allow me to deal with your attempts at put-down humor one by one:

1. Hair helmet! Ah, Scrubs was funny wasn’t it? But now it's gone. What sitcom will you get your material from now?

Yes, that is my real hair. Of my many faults, vanity is clearly not one of them.

Nice pic of you by the way! Is that your real chest? So nice of you to share so much of it!

Sorry blog fans. Can't share his picture with you as I do want to keep things anonymous, but just imagine a neckline right out of the Sopranos or the mid-seventies and a well lubed-back coif.

2. I remember when I joined the US military I thought to myself, "Gee, here's something my country can do for ME!” When I started teaching low-income kids, I thought, "I'm going to make MILLIONS doing this!”

And when I asked for a $750 billion bailout... Was that me or was that conservative “free-market ideologues” who believe in privatizing profit, but socializing debt? Hint: It wasn’t me.

You stereotype liberals when you say we ask what government can do for us personally. What liberals ask is what government can do for SOCIETY. ALL OF US! Education, alleviating poverty, health care, equality, a greater social safety net, maternity leave for mothers et al. These are not selfish requests, these are CHRISTIAN requests.

3. Wake my Mom? That's the best you can come up with? What are you twelve? It’s a good thing we’re not living in a grown up country with grown up problems, or your misguided cheap shot would somehow cheapen the discourse…

The video is shot in the house that I OWN and where I live with my wife, my 2 kids and the world’s best dog. The fact that I’m married is visible on my Facebook profile. I’m curious, did you not bother to look up that fact, or did you research it and go with the attack anyway? (I'd like to ask the same thing to Sarah Palin)

People’s houses (in this case my upstairs office. When we assume..) are where YouTube videos are shot! If you want production values get HBO. YouTube, Facebook, and MySpace are all about the common man taking back the conversation from the corporate media. Why be such a dick about the set design?

4. Um, had you listened to the song, you'd have heard that I mentioned lowering college tuition, ending the Iraq war, and health care as Obama’s proposed policies. (More policy discourse in one song than in McCain’s entire convention speech.)

How could anyone at this juncture NOT know Obama’s proposed policies? He mentions them in every stump speech, they were talked about ad nauseum at the convention, the 24 hour cable news networks have absolutely nothing else to talk about except for fist bumps and lapel pins, and I understand that there is this thing nowadays called the Internet that’s all the rage. (It’s almost as though we’ve entered some kind of “Information Age!”) What kind of mediocre citizen wouldn’t research both candidate’s positions?

If someone's even paying a passing attention, they’ve picked up a dozen things Obama will do, and I play very close attention. I read three different newspapers. I have factcheck.org linked on my homepage. I TiVo stuff on C-SPAN! (Having admitted that, I feel I must restate the fact that I do not live with my mother) I did a whole stinkin’ hour-long hilarious political comedy show for crying out loud! (DVD’s still available!)

Why do I pay so much attention? Because before I started paying so much attention, I was a conservative.

But since you asked, (sans question marks) here are a few other things Obama proposes to do that come to mind off the top of my head, in no particular order:

-He will implement a saner, less arrogant foreign policy, ending the "Silent treatment" policy, which never worked in high school, hasn't worked internationally, and has devastated our prestige with other nations.

-He supports the Employee Free Choice Act, which will increase the power of Unions to negotiate better wages in this country. Studies consistently show that unions drive wages up, even for non-members. This is a good thing.

-He’ll invest in energy solutions to get us off of our petroleum dependency, decrease the nation’s carbon footprint, and creating new jobs in new technologies.

-He’ll raise the federal minimum wage! You do know that the vast majority of people living in poverty work, right? You do know that the majority of people earning minimum wage are not teenagers but male heads of households and single mothers, right? So let’s see… when you pull up to the drive thru during an Obama administration, not only will the guy serving you your whopper be less likely to spit in it, he’ll have health care so if he does it will likely be less contagious. I’d say that’s a win-win wouldn’t you?

-And oh yeah, he'll stop torturing people without even the right of habeus corpus, bring back the rule of law, and end one of the saddest, most paranoid eras in American history?

Is that enough, or would you like to know more about people he’s met who did bad things when he was eight?


Let me recommend some very useful websites



Which should demonstrate to you the clear differences in tax policy between the two candidates and also demonstrate that you are very likely voting against your own economic self-interest.

Boy, I have gone on haven’t I? That’s how it goes when you talk about issues rather than someone’s hair.

I hope you've enjoyed my responses to your questions, (more questions than Sarah Palin has fielded in the past 2 weeks…)

Thanks again for your comment on my song and asking such insightful questions, while answering my original one!



Let that be a lesson to you all. Winlar's hair is OFF LIMITS!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Are You Really?

Sorry 'bout the low quality video, but we're going on the fly these days. Here's a little song I wrote for those who are buying the latest Republican line, asking that musical question. (Lyrics below)

So you’re worried ‘bout Obama
Because of Bill Ayers
Combine that with fist bumps
And his lapel pin and you’re really scared

Well your vote is your choice
So do what you must do
But first if you don’t mind if I’d like to ask
One question of you

Are you really that Stupid
Are you really that daft?
Can you actually function
With your head
So far up your ass?
Is your life’s only purpose
To turn food into poop? It
Really pains me that I have to ask
Are you really that stupid?

You know the country has problems
The economy’s ailin’
And you can see none of them can be solved
By Sarah Palin

But you’ve heard that “That One”
Is a dangerous guy
At least that’s what John McCain says
And why would he lie?


I know you want cheaper college
And taxes cut just a tweak?
And I know you want to end this war that’s costing
2 billion a week

And I know you want health care
For all sick and lame
But you'll just forgo all that
Cuz' you're scared of some guy's middle name


Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Town Hall Debate Running Diary

All Right, well, I haven’t done a running diary on anything since I don’t know when, so I thought I’d spend 90 otherwise worthwhile minutes of my life watching tonight’s presidential debate and giving my reactions as they hit me. (Props of course to the Sport’s Guy for more or less inventing the format.)

Let’s get to it!

5:55:35 PM
OK, Debate’s about to begin. Some notes going in watching the pregame:

-Cindy McCain today said that Obama’s run “the dirtiest campaign in the History of the US.” Hello? This isn’t even the dirtiest campaign in the history of John McCain!

-The debate is before a “town meeting” and there are like 40 people in the hall. What town are they talking about, Wasilla Alaska?

-The questions will be asked by “undecided” voters. Honestly, how can anybody still be undecided at this point? These candidates have been at it for more than a year! If you committed a crime when these guys began, congratulations, the statute of limitations has run out by now! Why don’t we allow people who at least follow politics once a year to ask the debate questions?

6:00:40 PM
OK. Going to watch the debate on PBS, which I recommend to all. No interrupting, no crawl line, no pulse thingy. When in doubt, PBS.

6:01:56 PM
Here’s Tommy Brokaw to fact-check me and say the town hall has 80 people. Oh great. Tom has screened the questions. Conspiracy theorists, get typing… So there won’t be any question coming out of left field. No. It’s not like a president ever needs to think on his feet or anything…

6:03:09 PM
Here they come to shake hands. McCain makes perhaps the only eye contact of the night with Obama.

6:03:58 PM
Bald guy asks first question. Economy of course. Big drawl. Who decided on Nashville for this? Dems gave away home field advantage.
The answers strike me as dull because I’ve heard it all before.
Oh, but first lie of the night. McCain on Energy. 700 billion is an inflated estimate. The real number is around 569 billion. (Yes, I’ve been on Factcheck.org a lot lately)
McCain sounds like a grandparent trying to make his grandkids eat broccoli.

6:09:00 PM
Tom asks a follow-up question. I’m wondering if somehow Brokaw will wind up asking more questions than the audience. Even odds on that.
McCain suggests someone from E-bay to be Treasury secretary (It’s on this “Internet” thing he’s heard of.)
Obama suggests, well, no actual name.

6:11:33 PM
Can a brother ask a question around here? Yes! Already this debate is more diverse than the Reppublican National Convention…
(I was so excited for the fact that someone diverse was asking something I missed the question.)
McCain says we probably haven’t heard of Freddie and Fannie Mac before. Man, he is condescending. Then he blames Democrats and cronies and the people who, god forbid, asked for mortgages. (65% of whom qualified for better mortgages than they were talked into, but still, they’re POOR!!)

Obama is going to go well over the time limit. This will be a problem for both all night. They have to answer the questions, connect with the questioners and slander each other all within a one-minute time span.

6:17:52 PM
If you’re drinking at home, you should have picked “cronyism” for your trigger word.

6:18:54 PM
Man, this woman, Theresa Finch, was almost in tears asking “How can we trust you! Both parties are bad!” Hey, I feel her pain, but again, if you’re an undecided voter at this point you’re part of the problem. If people like you paid more attention Theresa, then the parties wouldn’t be allowed to run roughshod all over you. Try Factcheck.org before giving up on democracy…

-McCain really is good at this format. He’s also helped by the complete lack of rebuttal time allowed.

6:23:51 PM
Who cried out for more Brokaw? “I got the fever, and it can only be cured with more Brokaw!” Tom, we get you on Meet the Press every week. Let these 80 Joe Six-Packs ask one freakin’ question for one night in 4 years. Jeesh.
Anyway, He wants priorities on things, and I’m totally bored already.

6:26:50 PM
This debate is sounding exactly like the last debate. Make that the last two debates. It’s like hearing Barack Obama and John McCain cover bands.

6:28:35 PM
Tom slipped another question in there. He has now asked 5 questions to 3 by the audience. I will continue to score this.

-John McCain REALLY hates that overhead projector Obama bought for a Chicago Planetarium. Apparently it represents everything that is wrong with America.

Side note: I’m sure I’m not the first person to have noticed that Microsoft Word’s spellchecker has no problem with John McCain, but it redlines both Barack and Obama. Just another obstacle he’s had to climb…

6:32:25 PM
My son just pooped his pants. This concerns me much more than the debate right now or how either of the candidates “connects” to anybody.

6:33:29 PM
Another Brokaw question! 6-3. (By the way, the spellchecker has no problem with Brokaw either! Really? Brokaw? How commonly do people type Brokaw?)

6:35:56 PM
McCain just compared Obama to Herbert Hoover. John, only you remember Herbert Hoover.
Now the thing is heating up. McCain just told a bunch of whopping lies that aren’t allowed to get rebutted. My child’s diaper is still poopy, but McCain’s last answer reeks worse.

6:38:57 PM
7-3 Brokaw. This is becoming a rout. The Candidates and Hall had better get busy or Tom’s gonna run away with this debate…

-All the talk about tax plans could be fixed with a visit to Obamataxcut.com or the Washington Post’s excellent chart.
Oh, but that would require the American People to do RESEARCH! God forbid…

6:42:43 PM
McCain’s trying to out-Sarah-Palin Sarah Palin. Some g’s please folks and fella’s!

6:43:21 PM
Question from the hall. 7-4. And a generic question about Climate Change! Thanks for screening the questions Tom! Are the people of Nashville really this DULL? (That would explain the state of country music…)

6:45:26 PM
McCain really seems excited! Well, not really. He seems like someone trying to ACT excited saying things he’s already said 1000 times. Anyway, it’s a good format for him.

More exciting though is that there’s this kid with a crew cut who is in the background whenever a certain camera angle is used and the kid appears to be an odd combination of bored/terrified. 3 to 1 the kid picks his nose on national TV before we’re through. It will be the best part of this debate.

6:48:20 PM
8-4 Brokaw. Do we need a Manhattan Project for Energy? Duh. We should have Manhattan Projects for everything. But that’s just my opinion. Manhattan Projects work.

-Finally a good health care question from the house makes it 8-5. Unfortunately I already know how both candidates will answer it. They’ll tell lies about each other’s plans rather than extol the merits of their own. Too bad.

(My wife has chimed in with “Just say yes or no.” She’s right. For those of you playing at home, the correct answer is:
“Is health care a commodity? NO. It’s a fucking NEED!”
Neither candidate answered it correctly. Maybe Tom will follow-up?)

6:55:29 PM
Tom gets in there. 9-5. Is health care a right, privilege of responsibility? Nice to have a little follow, but why the third option Tom? Responsibility? What does that even mean?
For the record, McCain-Responsibility, Obama- Right.

Obama goes over time by about 100 years but had to because Health care is complex. You know the Lincoln-Douglass debates? No time limits! Let’s get back to that.

6:59:56 PM
And from there to Iraq. 9-6. The hall is making a comeback. My kid’s diaper has been changed and John McCain is ignoring the question he was asked.

7:01:37 PM
Man, have I heard both sides talk about Iraq ad nauseum. Guys, it was a bad idea. Let’s get out of there and stop turning good money into bad and good troops into casualties.

Oh, and by the way, not that anyone mentioned it, but the surge didn’t work. More on that later.

7:04:24 PM
Brokaw asks an interesting question. “What is your doctrine?” An interesting question, but still, Tom’s talking too much. 10-6.

Apparently the McCain doctrine consists mainly of criticizing the Obama doctrine…

John, damnit, someone needs to set you straight on this, so I guess it has to be me in bold face.
Victory and Defeat are terms for games. Stop belittling our troops by referring to a war as if it were a game! (By the way, the vets of Iraq and Afghanistan graded you a D for the past 2 years.)

7:08:36 PM
Katie Hamm (Real name? You decide) reads a question on a card as if it’s the first time she’s ever seen it. 10-7 Come on Hall! Make a comeback!

(I have to pee. How much more of this thing is left?)

McCain’s strategy for winning Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan? David Petraeus! What are we going to clone him?
(Spellchecker did not find Petraeus btw)

Oh, now we’re getting personal. The bomb Iran, and all the dumb McCain quotes are coming out. It’s almost interesting. Almost.

7:16:28 PM
Enter Brokaw. 11-7. Should we reorganize Afghanistan strategy? Meanwhile, my wife has turned on “Legally Blonde” on our second TV (Yes, I have two TV’s next to each other in my living room.) It’s hard to keep an eye on John McCain when 15 sorority girls are screaming and hugging each other just to his right…

Reason number 2003 that John McCain shouldn’t be president. He still says the surge worked. The surge didn’t work. It’ didn’t cause the Anbar awakening etc…
What really stopped the violence in Iraq? Sadly, the neighborhoods became so segregated, there’s “No one left to kill” as one expert put it. That’s what’s brought the violence down, as well as some other diplomacy.
And, John, even if the surge DID work, and the only reason that violence is down is the presence of US troops, then what the hell happens when we eventually do pull out? Sure, you can bring down crime by imposing a police state, but something else has to change, or the crime will come right back as soon as you leave. The surge commits us to Iraq for LONGER!
But I’m not very opinionated on that…

7:20:14 PM
Tom reads a question from the Internet. Does that make the score 11-7-1? I dunno. I’ve paused the debate for the first time because I really need to pee.

OK. Russia. McCain says there won’t be a new cold war, then basically calls Putin “Evil.”
Both candidates are trying to list more obscure countries than the other here as a way of showing that they can win a geography bee. Meanwhile my daughter has decided to just scream through the whole thing anyway and I don’t blame her.

Here’s all you need to know about what US foreign policy will be like in the next administration: We’ll still be arrogant, “talk tough” to keep the domestic fear level high, and use our military way too much, because when your only tool is a hammer, every problem becomes a nail. Don’t worry folks. As long as you clamor for a “strong leader” and “American Exceptionalism” you’ll get to keep paying 20 times more for your military than any other country…

7:27:04 PM
“Is Russia the Evil Empire” question. Tom’s now up 12-7-1.
McCain makes a joke. Yeah, the cold war. Good times..

7:28:17 PM
From the peanut gallery, a question about Iran and Israel makes it 12-8-1. I have Sooooo much trouble actually believing that this Naval Petty Officer really wanted to ask a question about Iran attacking Israel. Really? Is that really what’s first and foremost on your mind there CPO Sharkey? What the hell?

McCain: “Be afraid of Iran. Be very afraid”
Obama: “Be afraid. Be very afraid… Nuclear weapons…”
Honestly kids, Iran? A threat? Have we really run that low on things to be afraid of? Who else are we going to be at war with in the next 4 years? (Don’t answer that. Please don’t answer that…)

7:33:05 PM
Last Question. Thank God… From the Internet. 12-8-2 final score, Brokaw asking more questions than a US city and the Internet combined. Thanks Tom for still being our “Media Filter.”
The question is “what don’t you know and how will you learn it?” It got a laugh, but um, what a blitheringly stupid question to sum up a blitheringly stupid night.
If there’s something you don’t know, you don’t know it, hence the question is inherently unanswerable and makes us vulnerable to a potential Donald Rumsfeld “Unknown Unknown” nonsense. Thank you Internet, for wasting even more of my time and thank you “Commission on Presidential Debates” for stealing 90 minutes of my life I could have spent bonding with my kids.

This thing just sucked folks. You can’t put lipstick on this pig.

Ugh. Time to wrap up…

So who won? Tell you what. I won’t belittle the debate process by using terms like “win” and “lose” if the candidates stop belittling wars the same way.
But if you must have an answer: I lost. Lost a little more confidence in our system, lost a little more respect for Tom Brokaw, and lost a little more faith in democracy. But other than that, Go USA!!

9:23:54 PM
OK, It’s been a couple of hours and a hot tub soak since the debate ended, and I have a few more rants thinking about a few things.

First and foremost, this “debate” format was a complete joke. Town Hall? The only good things about the town hall format are that people can ask unpredictable questions, and can do it directly, with no mediation. By having Brokaw screen the questions, they sucked that out of it and turned the citizens into mere props. That’s like waiting a long time for fast food, or paying more at Home Depot. Once you take the one good thing out all that you’re left with is suck. This whole Town meeting format really needs to find the dung heap of Americana if they keep doing it like this.

And I still can’t believe that a naval officer in Tennessee has nothing more pressing on his mind than whether or not Iran is going to invade Israel, and is basing his presidential selection on how a candidate answers that question. I just can’t. The dude wasn’t even Jewish! Something funny is going on here. This is a crock.

You know what would be better than all of this hyped “debate” nonsense? I’m just begging to see two candidates sit at a table, no moderator, and just TALK TO EACH OTHER! Ask questions of each other. Haggle over figures. Heck, put a computer there on the table and they can research figures and fact check on the Internet and everything. Sure, four and a half hours every four years wouldn’t be enough, so hell, put them both in the same room and let them argue for a week. It would be so much better than this pre-packaged garbage that the Commission on Presidential Debates brings us. That organization needs to be disbanded in the worst way. It’s a huge impediment to intelligent democracy.

Sorry. I guess I’m just a bit burned out by politics.
See you later in the week with a nice funny song which will probably address more issues than tonight's debate did.


Monday, October 06, 2008

Joe Six-Pack

So Sarah Palin said repeatedly in the debate that she’s just a “Joe Six-Pack.” Funny… I’m a Six-Pack and I’ve never seen you at the family reunions!

I often enjoy a six-pack or two in between six-packs and being a part of the proud Six-Pack family I’d like to say that Sarah Palin does not speak for me. In fact, if she is a true Six-Pack, (maybe by marriage? Is that why it’s hyphenated?) then she’s soiling the good Six-Pack family name as an embarrassment to Six-Packs everywhere. This Gov is no true Six-Pack.

Here’s a little primer on how to be a good Six-Pack:

Us Six-Packs don’t care if you don’t answer the questions the way people expect, but we do want you to answer correctly once in a while…

Six-Packs know that no matter how low your expectations, if you get your ass kicked in a debate, you got your ass kicked in a debate.

Six-Packs know that the causes of things, like global warming or the financial crisis matter!

Six-Packs know the difference between “fundamentals” and “workers.” We do not believe these words are synonyms.

This Joe Six-Pack believes in evolution, since he has seen his compatriots regress from time to time.

Joe Six-Pack thinks that, now that you’re worth $1.2 million, maybe you can kick in for beer, or health care, or college tuition for the rest of the family.

Joe Six-Pack believes that paying his taxes is patriotic, taking your company offshore is unpatriotic, and that labeling people patriotic and unpatriotic does a disservice to the nation. (Joe Six-Pack realizes the contradiction lying therein.)

Joe Six-Pack knows that, despite all the abstinence education you get, Six-Packs being what they are, if you don’t learn about contraception, there are gonna be a lot of little Six-Packs running around.

Joe Six-Pack loves America, Americans, of all creeds colors and backgrounds. He doesn’t just “Tolerate” them.

Joe Six-Pack is wondering how you can share his values, since you don’t seem to have any…

And lastly, Joe Six-Pack really hates it when people talk out their asses, lie and weasel, and aren’t qualified for their jobs.

And now, for the Six-Packs everywhere, some true populism:

Thursday, October 02, 2008

God Chose This President and ists.

So in honor of tonight's upcoming "debate" featuring things Sarah Palin has been told to say and things Joe Biden will be nit-picked for, I thought I'd blog the opening song of my last show. (DVD's of which are available!) which you can view by scrolling down.

But first, since I realize that for making fun of Gov. Palin I will be labeled a "sexist" by people who don't have a single clue what the term means, I wrote a little essay to edify.

The “Ist” thing

I’m not antifeminist. I’m antisarahpalinist. I’m not sexist, I’m anncoulterist. Specificity people. It’s what American discourse is lacking. I see a lot of people confusing political correctness with actual correctness, so we need a little crash course on how and when to use "ists."

What people still don’t seem to get about the ist thing is that sex-ist means that something insults the entire sex, as I would do if I said, “No woman should be vice-president.” That insults the entire sex. However, when I say, “any woman would be a better vice-president than Sarah Palin.” Well that’s about as un-sexist as you can get.

The ist thing does not apply to shots taken at any one particular person. You demean ists when you forget this. When I say, “OJ probably killed his wife,” I’m not saying “All black people killed OJ’s wife.” That's not even technically possible. If I say “Black folks all smoke pot,” that’s obviously as racist as it is untrue, but if I say “Snoop Dogg needs to put the pipe down,” I’m simply stating something well documented in the public record.
If I say that Pat Buchanon is a blithering jackass, would it be said that I hate all white men? Does that make me a self-hating white male? No. I hate blithering jackasses. This makes me a self-hating blithering jackass, but that’s just something I’ll have to learn to deal with.

So since I’m talking about blithering jackasses, let’s come full circle back to Palin. Sarah, stop trying to change the ist rules. The ist rules, when properly enforced don’t allow you to hide behind everyone who happens to share your gender, race, class or creed whenever someone happens to point out the fact that you’re a psycho. I'm not saying that you are a psycho because you're a woman, I'm saying that you are a psycho because you're a psycho. Don’t blame it on an ist or ism because someone points out that you personally have done nothing but slander and lie with your fifteen minutes of fame. It’s not sexism, it’s sarahpalinism and there’s going to be a lot more of it the more you duck behind a feminist movement you never previously seemed to want any part of. Stop hiding behind your gender and take your lumps like a… like a… well, let’s just say vice-presidential candidate running with a guy who opposed the ERA.

OK, now let's sing a song making fun of you.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Pointy-headed Intellectual

Pointy-Headed Intellectual
By Winlar™ + GT

Since when did we decide in this brave land of the free
That to love our land we must be mired in imbecility?
The “love U.S. or leave it” crowd just keeps on talking tough
And as a proud college alumnus I’ve had much more than enough

I’m tired of so-called pundits telling me time and again
I’m less of an American ‘cause there’s more in my brain
A patriot is more than just a jingoistic dunce
We can win this war on terror using more than ignorance

So hear this once and hear it well you bloated balls of gas
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still Kick your ass

I’m tired of being told about how our shit isn’t stinky
By folks who think the Dixie Chicks are “just a bit too thinky”
My colors don’t run either and I love my Uncle Sammer
But when I write country songs I use PROPER GRAMMAR!

I can rock out with Bon Jovi yet appreciate smooth Jazz
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still kick your ass

I can dance, I can sing I can play guitar
I can fact-check on the web like a superstar
I can beat you on the court, in the classroom or the bar
And the presets on my radio are tuned to NPR
(Don’t make me go all Nina Totenberg on your ass motherfucker! Cuz I will!)

I love people regardless of their gender, race or class
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
Public Radio member!
And I can still kick your ass
I'm not a snob, elitist or excessively refined
Just because I mock the hobgoblins of your wee puny mind
Did you not get that reference? I'll simplify a notch
I just zinged you quoting Emerson. Feel the burn bee-yatch!

I’m full of piss and vinegar, and wittily parsed sass
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still kick your ass!

Bridge 2
I pack a mighty wallop, so prepare to be out-flogged
And I got lots of free time so prepare to be out-blogged
I use Socratic logic, so prepare to be out-thunk
And I'm a Democrat, so you're gonna get out-drunk!
(C’mon, just you, me, and a cheeky Pinot Noir. What are you scared?)

I can quaff sip or chug it, just gimme the glass
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still kick your ass!

So stop telling me that I should not influence this nation
Just because before espousing I look up my information
I got a love of country and a mind that's all my own
And that should trump a fat-ass and a radio microphone

Don't discriminate against me just because I'm good at math
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual…
Soccer player!
Community organizer!
And I can still kick your ass!

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Greatest Threat

Reminder! Last night to catch my show is tonight at 8pm at the Rendezvous in Belltown.
While you're waiting, here's your video fix of me:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Damn. Here I’ve been down on John McCain, only to just find out that he’s a Maverick! Why had no one told me? This changes everything! A Maverick!
So I’ve written a little rap about his life story as one maverick to another.

John McCain
Nothing says rebellion like more of the same!

Broke all the rules
They tried to tame him with in exclusive private schools

That’s for sure!
Lists among his pastimes 19th century literature

Born to be bad
So he ran off to work in the same place as his Dad

Rocked the nation
Doin’ what was expected from his family for generations

If he was to run free
He would need the strict discipline of the mili-trie’

Told ‘em all to go to hell
By doing what was ordered of him honorably and well…

No prison could hold ‘im
Except the prison that held him. It really held him.

Cage him? Please!
Only ‘til high-level negotiations ensure his release, Bee-yatch!

John McCain
Nothing says rebellion like more of the same!

Bring it on!
No job says “stick it” more than Senate Naval Liaison!

His mind is free
At the Episcopal churches he attended reg’larly

Loves to fight!
So he chose to represent the party of the rich and white

Got his own philosophy
Marching in lock step with talking points of the GOP

From hell done sent
All of his employers? The US government

Give him cheers!
Been stuck in the same job for 26 years
(And that job ain't exactly intergalactic secret agent rock star...)

Bucks the norm
By trying to find the middle ground for ethics and reform

Shakin’ up what he can
Tax cuts for the wealthy! Stick it to the man!

John McCain
Nothing says rebellion like more of the same!

According to Merriam-Webster:
Maverick: an unbranded range animal (especially a stray calf); belongs to the first person who puts a brand on it
And he's carrying that Republican brand well...

Monday, September 15, 2008

John McCain song and Thanks

Thanks to everyone who came out to my show this weekend! Hope you tell all your friends and fam about the one remaining performance I have on Friday the 19th. The show is getting some rave reviews and crowds have been most enthusiastic. I couldn't be more pleased.
Here's a little snippet from the show to wet your appetite for more!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Obama Tax Cut

If I've done this properly, clicking on the title of this post will lead you to a cool website that calculates the size of the tax cut you'll get if Obama's tax plan is enacted. I highly recommend that you check it out and forward it to every Republican you know. (Even ones who can't use a computer, like John McCain...)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Show Tomorrow Night!

OK, well I have a show tomorrow night, so I don't have any time at all to blog, but I thought I'd just remind everyone about it (below) and also just vent with some random stuff that I'm not able to shoehorn into the show at this late date but feel like getting off my chest. So, in no particular order...

-When John McCain took office in 1982 the national debt was 57.93 Billion (with a B) bucks. It is now 9.5 trillion. Um, I know it isn't all John's fault and that he does fight against wasteful spending but if he's fighting, he's LOSING. If I played soccer the way McCain plays budget, my Dad would have offered me condolences and a lifesaver not let me be president.

-My pal Ingrid sent me a cool link, with one of many upcoming Palin gaffes.
So now we know that she's economically illiterate as well as scientifically illiterate and foreign policy illiterate. I enjoy learning more and more about this new fresh face don't you?

-Cost of bridge to nowhere: $398 million.
Cost of the Iraq war. $300 million. PER DAY!!!
So kudos on saving us so much money there J-Mac and Saracuda. Oh wait, you didn't save us any money, since Sarah still ain't paid the money back...
As I've said before, Democrats may be tax and spend, but Republicans are tax and KEEP!

-Funny bit of sketch comedy here:

And a very funny rather pointed show here:
Winlar '08: Making Things Worse
Sept. 12th, 13th and 19th
At the Jewel Box Theater in the Rendezvous Bar and Restaurant!
2322 2nd Avenue in Belltown!

As the political season winds to a close, scene-stealing comic genius Winlar, former writer for Almost Live! NPR's Rewind with Bill Radke and theater's Kazoo! sketch comedy group skewers the right with his last political show of the Bush Administration. Join Winlar as he wonders aloud who will do his writing for him after Jan. 20, 2009…

If you agree with Winlar's Politics, you will LOVE this show! If you don't agree with Winlar's politics, please don't vote!

(Warning! Performance contains ukulele and what is loosely called singing.)

See you this weekend I dearly hope!


Thursday, September 04, 2008

We have a new Dick!

So after hearing Sarah Palin speak last night, I have to say I was impressed. They way she reached out across partisan lines to make snide comments, spin and attack needlessly showed that she won't let things like decency, truth or manners get in the way of continuing the enmity and gridlock in congress. Nice. Hey! She kind of reminded of someone...

Hmm, so she's a self-described "pitbull" (Attack dog)
She hunts. (Though shooting animals from a helicopter is less hunting and more vandalism)
She's closely tied to the oil industry.

Here we've been worried that McCain would be continuing 4 more years of Bush, but now with Palin, we know that we'll be getting 4 more years of Dick Cheney too!

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Palin the face

So as the firestorm brews about the many many fallibility's of Sarah Palin, I'd just like to chime in with my own note that I'm not hearing anywhere.

Sarah Palin thinks that Creationism is scientifically credible and should be taught in schools. Anyone versed in the subject to any degree knows that this goes directly against the grain as to the very nature of what science even is. So belief that public schools should waste any of the science curriculum on this completely discredited hypothesis demonstrates a woeful lack of science literacy.

But does a vice-president really need to be scientifically literate? Among the duties of the Vice-President's office? Chairman of the Board of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Arguably the most prestigious scientific organization in the world.

So John McCain has just selected someone to be Chairman of the Board of NASA who IS SCIENTIFICALLY ILLITERATE!

But let's talk about her son in Iraq and pregnant daughter instead because that's less "thinky."

Thursday, August 28, 2008

News Quiz!

As I get ready for my political show, it’s time to make sure you’re up to speed on the issues, so that you’ll be able to follow along! So here’s a quick quiz!
(If you’ve been watching cable news, you should have no trouble matching the questions to the answers below!)
Good luck!

1. What positions have each candidate taken on the role of the World Bank, IMF, and WTO?

2. What is “Extraordinary Rendition?”

3. How many children are currently living in poverty in the US?

4. What is the number one cause of bankruptcy in the US?

5. How much money has each campaign received from the oil industry?

6. What occurred in Iran in 1953 for which Iranians still harbor resentment for the US?

7. What is John McCain’s health care plan?

8. How many voters have been “purged” off of eligible voter rolls in the past 4 years?

9. What positions do the candidates have on media consolidation?

10. How many Iraqi civilians have died as a result of Operation Iraqi Freedom?

Scroll down for the answers!

1. Jeremiah Wright
2. Fist Bump
3. Brangelina
4. John Edwards
5. Elitist
6. Secret Muslim
7. Hillary cried
8. Seven houses
9. Lapel pin
10. Brett Favre

Nice Job! Sounds like you’ve been paying attention!
See you at the show!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Olympic Notes

Not a lot of time for blogging this week, as I'm working on my show and I have Olympic fever! So that in mind, here are a few thoughts about the Beijing Olympics.

-Every Olympics I become Canadian. They have way better coverage, far fewer commercials, and when they win something, man are they HAPPY! I’m so blessed to live close enough to the border to get the CBC. So as the Olympics go on, I just imagine that the border migrated about 300 miles south. Bob Costas versus Don Cherry? Come on!

-Fencing. There is nothing about this sport that would not be helped by giving the fencers furniture to jump around on. Doubles the ratings right there. Somebody needs to get on this!

-Not to take away anything from Michael Phelps' accomplishments, but aren’t the number of medals in swimming sort of inflated? Basically, you swim back and forth various distances, but you can double your medal winnings by being the fastest to swim the same distance a different way. (Butterfly, breast stroke, etc...)

How many more medals could track and field stars garner if they offered not only the 100 meter dash, but also the 100 meter skip, 100 meter run backwards, and the 100 meter hop on one foot? Jesse Owens would have had about 20.

I’m not saying that track should add these, but rather that swimming add hurdles. Some kind of aquatic javelin would also be fun.

-Lastly, synchronized diving? Why? Why do we have this? Why?

See you next week,

Friday, August 08, 2008


Hey all. 34 days to my upcoming show! Busy busy busy. But here's a timely rant that I'll likely cut from it. Enjoy. And remember. Sept 12th, 13th and 19th!

So this political process has brought us the stupidest accusations of all time. No I’m not referring to the accusations of secret Muslimism or being the Antichrist or that John McCain’s middle name is “W.” No, I’m talking about the accusations of FLIP-FLOPPING!
I don’t argue that both candidates have done it. They’ve done it early and often. They probably both flip-flopped twice in the time that it took you to read that sentence. That’s not the reason, however, that it’s a stupid accusation. It’s a stupid accusation because it assumes that flip-flopping is a bad thing, when in actuality it is the one thing I hope every candidate can do!

You know who never flip-flopped? Hitler. Anyone wish perhaps he were just a little more fickle? Did Stalin listen to the will of the people a little too much for you? Flip-flopping is the number one quality that we SHOULD want in a president.

I’m tired of politicians who say “I don’t govern by the polls.” Yeah, who cares about public opinion IN A DEMOCRACY!

“Oh, he’s a flip-flopper! He… listens… to the people he… works for… then he tries to… do… what they want…. That’s not the way things are supposed to be, is it?”

Memo to politicians. As an elected official, YOU WORK FOR US! And we are a fickle, fickle bunch. So you’d better be flexible and you’d better start flopping!
We forget that we’re the bosses in America. The corporations don’t forget that. But the people do. We, the unwashed are SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE!

An election is like a job interview and the American people are doing the interviewing. And when you’re interviewing for a job, the answer to everything is “Yes sir!”
Don’t start the interview by listing the things you won’t do:
“I don’t believe that government should be the solution.” Try telling the folks at McDonalds that you don’t believe in fast food. See if that puts you on the fast track to management.
“I think the free market works better than government.” Try telling Burger King, “I think the tables will bus themselves…”
“My philosophy of government doesn’t allow me to take that position.”
Yes, and my philosophy of breakfast doesn’t include ham and egg burritos, but you shouldn’t tell that to the folks at Taco Bell. It upsets them.

I’m so tired of “Government shouldn’t do this” and “Government shouldn’t do that.” I got news for you. This is a democracy. Government can and will do whatever we goddamned want it to!

Stop having opinions and philosophies of government. We don’t pay you to have opinions. If we got paid to have opinions in this country, I’d be a fucking millionaire. You’re not in office to espouse your opinions; you’re in office to carry out our whims!

No. We the people want an employee, not a bunch of crazy opinions. Start acting like a boot-licking toadie if you want my vote.

Oh, and you’d better kiss some babies. Why? Because babies have fat cheeks and we want to know if you’re good at kissing fat cheeks. We just may have some more fat cheeks you’re gonna need to be kissing. Do you get what I’m saying? Thank you.

Power to the people!
Winlar out.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Socialize This!

Hey! Sorry to not have blogged for so long, but I've been on vacation, and working on (drumroll please...)


Winlar '08: Making Things Worse!

September 12th, 13th and 19th at the Famous Jewel Box Theater in the Rendezvous Bar and Restaurant! 8pm! (Still amazingly just 10 bucks!)

Mark your calendars!

And as a little teaser, here's a little snippet that I'm working on for the show Enjoy!

Here’s a complaint I get sometimes. “You’re a Communist! Like Hitler!”

Man, that hurts. Did you get that GED from Harvard?

It really bothers me that whenever Democrats suggest anything to even slow capitalist greed down they call Democrats “Socialists.” Hmm… So Socialists receive millions of dollars in campaign contributions from huge corporations? Is that what they’re about?

The whole thing is ridiculous, because Socialism means that the government would actually ever have some kind of power, and I don't see either party recognizing that...

What is anybody even talking about socializing? We can’t even socialize health care, and that’s been proven to WORK!

But this got me to thinking that perhaps there are some industries out there that we should take a long look at nationalizing. Some that, quite frankly, need some federal help. So, without further ado, a quick list of some industries the government couldn’t possibly run any worse than they are being run right now:

Cable TV. Does anyone here have the Comcast DVR? Tell me that even the least effectual government bureaucrat could not improve on that unadulterated piece of shit. Fast forwards for 5 seconds, and then it just freezes. The thing makes ColecoVision look like a supercomputer

Honestly, the cable companies are sucky monopolies anyway so making them a government monopoly couldn’t possibly be much worse. They have it coming. It’s a done deal. Cable companies, we’re nationalizing you tomorrow. Sometime between noon and six pm. Be there.

Sports: Um, last time I checked, we’re building all the stadiums anyway… You keep hearing sports franchises saying things like this: (This is based on a true story, perhaps you’ve heard it?) “I just bought this franchise for 350 million dollars, and now you have to build a 500 million dollar facility, or we’re leaving!”

So an easy solution, why don’t we just pay the 350 million and buy the team ourselves and then spend the extra $150 mil on free beer?

Clay Bennett, may he rot in hell and by that I mean, “may he rot in hell TODAY, wouldn’t be anything more than a rich asshole. (As opposed to a rich asshole with my fucking team. Yes. I'm still bitter.)

The Post Office: Imagine a utopia where the government controlled the mail and a letter sent easily and efficiently from doorstep to doorstep anywhere in the country for but 40 cents. What an idealistic dream that would be… Oh wait, skip that one.

A State-run Ministry of Propaganda: You know, to give glowing, biased accounts of what great things the current administration is doing… Oh wait, that’s already outsourced to Fox news. That one’s done.

Energy: This would be a big reversal. I know we’re used to the energy industry running the government, but we should take a turn running it for a change. Sounds like a fair trade.

Um, the oil is under OUR country. Um, it is sort of the linchpin of the entire economy. Perhaps we should have at least some government control?

Maybe the feds couldn’t do better than $4.25 a gallon, but I’d rather get sodomized by someone I can vote out of office rather than have no say whatsoever as to the price of gas. Plus, in the future when we go to war for oil, this cuts out the middleman!

And speaking of getting sodomized, that leads me to:

Pornography: State run porn! It's the best idea I have ever had! We already had a preview of this with the Starr Commission report.

This could be a moneymaker! I have it all figured out. C-SPAN 4! Sexual Congress!

Starring Eliot Spitzer. Larry Craig, Mark Foley. Now they’re earning their congressional salaries!

Think of the marriages it could save:

“Are you downloading porn, you sicko?”

“No hon, just seeing who to vote for… Man, I’m such a good citizen!"

Sure, keep government out of a woman's uterus, but there are some other parts that I'm comfortable with it touching...

“Introducing Bill HR 1423 sub clause five: campaign finance reform. The vote for cloture will now begin… (Cue the bad Jazz-funk fusion music) Boump bit di boum boum…” Everybody wins with this scenario!

Just a few suggestions. Feel free to comment and suggest some of your own!

Until next week,

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