Thursday, January 09, 2014

Text You a Picture

Lots of requests to put this one online.  NVSFW, but loads of fun and quite topical!

Baby I know it’s important to you 
In this cybernetic new age 
You need a man who is tech literate
And can find his way ‘round a web page 

Ipads and Ipods, webcams and cell phones 
I’m well equipped there as such 
But I’ve got another, more old-fashioned gadget 
That you care about just as much 

You can’t decide yet if I am your dream man, 
Well I’ll get you out of that funk 
You’re gonna fall in love with me baby
When I
Text you pictures of my junk

I need a way to prove I’m your man 
And I know a way just sublime 
To show you I have both packages you’re searchin’ for 
And I’ll show you both at one time 

Your eyes are asking two questions of me
And my answers to both, they will free you 
Why, yes that is a smart phone in my pocket 
But I’m also quite happy to see you 

Some say we’re not right together, 
But we both know that’s all bunk 
You’re gonna fall in love with me baby
When I
Text you pictures of my junk

If we lived in ancient times 
Prehistory or I dunno know what 
I’d paint you cave drawings, or send naughty faxes 
Or photocopy my butt 
But we live in a brand new day
Where I can connect with you dearie
So what do you say
We have a four-way?
You, me, Carlos Danger and Siri!

So now we know each other's megabits better
I think it’s time that we dated 
Don’t you want to see a little more me 
More live, and less pixilated? 
So confident that my exhibition  
Will prove to you I’m worth your whi-le 
C’mon baby let me into your inbox
And please god, do not hit “reply all” 
Today’s modern marvels showcase my marbles
Ten years ago who woulda thunk?
You’re gonna fall in love with me baby
When I
Text you pictures of my junk

Monday, January 06, 2014

The War on Drugs

Hearing some of the absolute right-wing garbage about how the new marajuana laws in Washington and Colorado are going to be the ruin of western society, I felt it necessary to post this quite poorly performed song from a show or two ago, in order to remind everyone what a glorious and spectacular failure the war on drugs has been so far.  Funny how some government failures are swept under the rug and others the pundits won't stop yammering about.  Anyway, enjoy:

What if I’d  told you I’d had a fix for poverty?
What if I’d said that we could end it permanently?
So we spent a lot of money, and for forty years we strived
To eradicate the problem,  ruining countless lives
Then after 40 years you asked me to report
Is poverty gone? Did we make progress? What sort?
What if I said, “It’s all about the same” and shrugged
Ladies and gentlemen, the war on drugs

What if I’d told you that I could feed the world?
And you gave me the go ahead and I’d given it a whirl
And since 1970 I’d spent 1.5 trillion dollars
But fed no more people Would that raise a hoot and holler?
Or would you laugh and find it grievously funny
When with a straight face I hit you up for some more money
You’d ask me what kind of cough medicine I’d chugged
Ladies and gentlemen the war on drugs

If this were some more progressive enterprise
Would anybody really be all that surprised,
If we had called it quits a long time ago?
If we had had the common sense to "just say no."
We quit all kinds of stuff, leave lots of things unsolved
Why is this diff’rent?  Is it cause guns are involved?
Cops, criminals and congressmen acting like thugs
Ladies and Gentlemen, the war on drugs

What if I told you we could close so many prisons
Fund education better, lessen race divisions
Decrease urban blight and the causes underneath
Put cops back on the streets who aren't armed to the teeth
Stop providing price supports for drug-dealer's greed
And give suffering people the medical attention that they need
We could do all those things if we just pulled the plug, on…

Ladies and Gentlemen...


Thursday, January 02, 2014

Atheist at Christmas

One of my New Year's resolutions is to finally "come out" as an Atheist.  Couldn't think of any better way to do it, but with this song.  Lyrics below.  Enjoy!

There’s been some talk about a War on Christmas
Implying there’s no way to celebrate
The happy holiday without at a’blurrin’
The line betwixt religion and the state

They say the season is meant for “Believing”
But I believe that’s just a load o’ guff
All you need to believe in at Christmas
Is eating and drinking and giving and getting stuff!

It’s fun to be an Atheist at Christmas
Trust me, I’ve done lots of research
Great to be an Atheist at Christmas
All of the presents none of the goin’ to church!

At my house there’s a moment every Christmas
We think ‘bout getting on our knees to pray
But then we realize that we don’t have to
And we just go open presents anyway

No deity brings us the Christmas spirit
It comes along ‘cuz simply ‘tis the Season
For us to be nice and to give to others
There needn’t be some supernat’ral reason

It’s fun to be an Atheist at Christmas
In no way does that make the season flawed
Great to be an Atheist at Christmas
All of the presents none of the blood-debt owed to some sky-god
We skip the mass.  We skip the prayer
We skip the rosaries
We skip those comic’ly embarrassing live nativity scenes
We just blow off the churching
We hold days off too dear
Which makes us just like everyone else
Except for twice a year

Fun to be an Atheist at Christmas
Ye are free to do just what thou wilt
Great to be an atheist at Christmas
All of the presents, none of the Catholic guilt

I know, I know, the “True meaning of Christmas!”
The Virgin Birth, the manger, all those trappin’s
But in our house it’s all about elves and reindeer
Which seem to me more likely to have happened!

Sure the tale of Jesus’ birth is nifty
A magic guy with 12 most helpful friends
But Santa’s got 9 flying reindeer
And his story doesn’t have the violent end…

Fun to be an Atheist at Christmas
The joy simply cannot be denied
Great to be an Atheist at Christmas
All of the presents none of the baby who’s gonna get crucified!

So don’t tell me that there's a“War on Christmas”
Just 'cause some folks wish Happy Holidays
If being kind and thoughtful attacks Christmas
You’ve lost that war already anyway

And If you’ll pardon this strange contradiction
For an Atheist this time is heaven sent
The best gift of all’s telling Bill O’reilly
And Sarah Palin they can just get bent!

It’s fun to be an Atheist at Christmas
That’s not even open for debate
Great to be an Atheist at Christmas
All the presents none of the Santa, oh wait we get all the Santa too!  (Even Naughty Santa!)
All of the presents, none of the carolling… No wait, this is a carol, we get plenty of carols..…
All of the presents none of the drinking…
Wait, we get TONS of drinking… guilt-free drinking…
Oh yeah, that's it...
All of the presents, none of the pious Fox news commentators!
Happy Holidays everybody!
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