Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Just Lay There

Go Ahead and Just Lay There 4.0
By Winlar™ + GT

G,D,C, G,G,
When I hear guys talk about their wives, it takes me aback
Expecting so much all day, and then fireworks in the sack
But we have a partnership hon, when push comes to shove
And there’s more to a marriage than just epic-mind-blowing love
Because all the things you do by day shine like a beacon
You know there’s no need for you by night to get your freak on

I’m not like other men love,
I know how to play fair
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there

When we lay together, do you know what makes me giddy?
Just thinkin’ bout how well you help clothe and feed our kiddies
So tonight I don’t need to see your sex skills blossom
And oh, I’ve got an appointment at seven tomorrow, so could you set the alarm, that’d be awesome.

We take care of business
That’s why we’re a great pair
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there

(Bridge 1)
You don’t need to go down
You don’t need to lube
You don’t need to do any of those cool things I saw on YouTube
You don’t need to dress up
You don’t need to fuss D
You don’t need to invite over some of your friends who might be curious
Don’t sweat the boudoir baby
You don’t earn your pay there
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there

So don’t sweat the fact that we don’t always make the bed creaky
I’ll look on the Internet if I really want to get freaky
Don’t fret the acrobatics and all that shaken your fanny
If I want superfluous stuff like that, there’s always the nanny

I’m so glad we hired
That college-aged Au pair
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Age of Paranoia

OK, so I’m going to the Mariner’s game the other night, and I get stopped at security to look through my bag, and they won’t let me in because I had, as a key chain, a small Swiss army knife. I should have remembered that we are living in the Age of Paranoia, and that such small potentially pokey things are a no-no for sporting events, but come on. This is a Swiss Army Knife! It’s not a weapon. Even members of the Swiss Army don’t use them as weapons. Honestly, I think one of the gadgets on thing is a white flag. This particular Swiss army knife couldn’t cut butter. Yet they made me walk all the way back to my car, or throw it away. I walked, in a huff.

So I was preparing a scathing blog about how ridiculous stadium security is nowadays. (That’ll show ‘em!) I mean what’s more likely, getting stabbed to death with an implement better designed to open bottles of pinot grigio than combat, or being beaned by a 120mph line drive foul ball? -This being a baseball game I was banned from after all- I had a whole list of other things that are allowed into stadiums which are much more dangerous. (For instance: They allowed me to enter with a pen and paper on which I can write dangerous things like, “If someone won’t let you into a ball game because of your Swiss Army Knife, choke the living S*** out of them.”) Oh, it was going to be a devastating critique of the fearful, ridiculous, terrorist loathing times we live in and the lengths we go to for the artifice of safety, all of it premised by the fact that, come on, nobody’s ever been killed with a Swiss Army knife, at least nobody that you’ve ever heard of.

Then, at the last second, just to be on the safe side, I googled “Killed by a Swiss Army Knife” and what should turn up? Mark Fuhrman’s book on the OJ Simpson case! Fuhrman speculates that the murder weapon wasn’t OJ’s hunting knife, but rather a Swiss Army Knife for which he'd found a box, but never the actual weapon. (Perhaps it was OJ’s key chain?) And with that, my blog premise was blown, and the devastating jokes therein ruined.

So I suppose I must concede this one to you, stadium security personnel. Your paranoia is justified. How can you know that I’m not a violence-prone former athlete and car rental agency spokesman? I guess my little combo bottle-opener, tweezers and toothpick could indeed be used lethally and treating me like a terrorist is perhaps the right thing to do.

But wouldn’t it just be easier to keep OJ out of the ballpark?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

We Will Survive!

I'm going to try to have two posts this week, so do check back. But here's a little song from my last show with a nice message of hope after 7.5 years of misery.

Oh, and here are the lyrics:

We Will Survive
By Winlar™

First you got us scared, we were petrified
We thought that you would never lose with Karl Rove by your side
We spent so many nights thinking Democracy'd gone wrong
But we grew strong
Why can’t we all just get along?
We’re coming back
From your disgrace
No longer will we have to view that brain-dead look upon your face
We should have impeached your stupid cock
We should have kicked you out with glee
If only for your most disastrous
Foreign policy

Don’t get your ass
Hit by the door
You’re approval rating’s 30
No one’s listening anymore
You killed Al Gore and John Kerry with your lies
And politicized the memory
Of 4000 lost GI’s
Yet even so
We will survive
We’ve a thirst for liberty stronger than Bill Clinton’s sex drive
You say history will forgive
All your failed initiatives
What are you high?
But we’ll survive

(Ukulele solo!)

I’m surprised the bill of rights didn’t fall apart
As you built an empire like some two-bit Bonaparte
No more election nights
Feeling sorry for ourselves
You made Hillary cry!
But we didn’t lay down and die
Soon we’ll elect
Somebody new
Hell it may be a three-toed sloth
But that’d be better than you
And maybe we’ll get back our rights to free speech and privacy
And just maybe, once ag
ain we will be a democracy

We will Survive
Oh I think from now on we’ll be the ones doin' the decidin'
We’re gonna get back a little thing called national
We’ll survive. Oh we’ll survive. USA!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

The Rich Get Richer

I was planning on writing a whole thing this week, but I have a gig this Friday and that got time consuming, so instead here's another snippet from the show. Enjoy!

The Rich Get Richer
By Winlar and GT

They say that in this life
There’s two guarantees
Death and Taxes
Everyone agrees
But two other things
To me seem more certain
Than paying dues to government
And drawing that final curtain
Death and taxes no, Two things have much more certitude
The rich get richer
And we get screwed

I called up my congressmen
Told him what I’d learned
Said I don’t mind the rich getting rich
But the second part has me concerned
He said don’t worry, he’s got just the solution
And that he’d get right on that if I gave him a contribution…
Here’s where I think you’d like to sing along with me too
The rich get richer…

In the eyes of congress
Two types of folks exist
Nobody, and those who can afford a lobbyist
If the poor have things so bad
Goes their summation
Why don’t they use their wealth, influence, and power
To change their situation?

I complained to the networks
Of beefs I had a litany
They said they’d get right to them
Once they’re done discussing Brittany
If you ain’t rich or pretty
The press will not heed ya’
That’s really weird, since
Liberals like me control the media
Here’s a little headline you won’t hear on cable news?
The Rich Get richer…

They tell me that it’s good for me this big supply-side con
But I don’t see much trickling down, I’m getting trickled on
A rising tide lifts all ships and will keep us afloat
Well that would give me solace
if I could afford a fucking boat!

Yet I’m still maybe thinkin’
Maybe It’s kinda strange
Maybe just maybe
Maybe all this can change
Maybe we’ll rise up and address the situation
Maybe we’ll reform things
Maybe we’ll change this nation
Maybe we’ll shake things up
Maybe who knows what?
And maybe flying pigs will just start rocketing out my butt
And you wonder why I have such attitude?
The rich get richer, and we get screwed

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Which One's Next?

Which One’s Next?
By Winlar™ + GT

Mark Foley, then Ted Haggard
Now Idaho’s Larry Craig
It’s hard to tell some conservatives from
Dogs humping your leg
It’s such a nasty party
With so darn much back stabbin’
I wonder what all’s goin’ on
Behind the doors of their log cabin?

Which republican’s next to be gay?
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Which one’s gonna end his career in a most embarrassing way?
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Come on folks, it’s time to play
Which republican’s next to be gay?

Will Tom Delay
Be found out gay?
That would cause derision
A whisper campaig
Says it’s John McCain
He was in that Vietnamese prison

Does Thompson, Fred
Give strange men head
In an airport bathroom stall?
Who’s in the sack
With Sam Brownback?
That name just says it all


If it’s Huckabee
That’d be irony
He’s so against gays marryin’
I could see Ron Paul
In a free for all

He’s very libertarian!

Gingrich, Newt
Thinks boys are cute
He’s just a big old bear
Romney, Mitt

Does nasty shit
In his Mormon underwear


I think all their gay bashing
Gets them worked up as hell
Perhaps the party’s motto
Oughtta be don’t ask don’t tell
Those red state togs and colors
And all those who don
You really never know these days
So don’t turn your back on ‘em!

Hides the salami
With several foreign powers
Mr. Nine-eleven
Just gets revvin’
Thinkin' 'bout twin towers

Orrin Hatch
Would outlaw snatch
If he could get a quorum
And he doesn’t crave dick
As bad as Rick
“My name means lube” Santorum


Such girly men
All of them
In that tent they keep so small
This ain’t too nice
But Condy Rice
Is the manliest of them all

All of them this year
Seem very queer
When shove comes down to push
I think they’re all gay
Look at the way
They’re staying away from Bush!


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