Friday, October 31, 2008

Ode to Joe the Plumber

Boy, Obama sure did have trouble answering that question from that guy who came up to him and... completely made it up... Bad mistake for Barack the Senator grounding his answer in reality while "Joe the Plumber" (Well, at least the “the” is accurate) based his question on a business that didn't exist and circumstances he just made up. But still, a folk hero is a folk hero and even this one deserves his own ode before he (hopefully) disappears into the abyss of political obscurity. So here we go.

You think a quarter mil’ a year makes you middle class?
Joe I hope you’re a good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math

Well Joe it seems you got yourself in one hell of a mess
Goin’ up there to Obama and asking him a question
And ever since we’ve seen you spoutin’ off your rabid views
About how you’d be taxed more to all who watch Fox News
Yes Joe, you sure hate taxes, no ifs ands or buts
But a little research shows Obama’d get your taxes CUT

You should have checked your figures there, before you spewed your wrath
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math!

You’d buy a made-up business, but you’re scared of the taxes
Uh, two secs to crunch real numbers will show you what the facts is:
Buying that unreal company won’t raise your tax berth
'Cuz you pay income tax on INCOME, not what the company’s worth
So great news! No one will tax you just 'cuz you’re ambitious
(And there’s no tax at all, when the company’s fictitious!)

So your little pretend company won’t make you take a bath
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math!

You say that you’d be taxed more than the Average Joe
Just because you’d make ‘bout 6 times what average is? Oh NO!
Were your business real, which it isn’t, even so
The tax penalty that you’d pay, um, it ain’t a lot of dough
To avoid a coupla' bucks in tax, you’d honestly forgo
A 200 K increase in pay? Great business sense there Joe!

Instead of fake tax you'd pay, think of the fake wealth you'd amass
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, ‘cuz you sure do suck at math

The politics of laissez-faire sure do have their appeal
When you talk about people who aren’t suffering or… real
So stick to plumbing Joe, if your work is worth the price
And when you add your bill up please don't mind I'll surely check it twice
But as for punditry, your misspent fame, well, it’s been fun
But come Tuesday, your famous fifteen minutes should be done.

Use a calculator first, THEN talk out your ass
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, ‘cuz you sure do suck at... political science, foreign policy, economics, country music, giving interviews, punditry, personal hygiene, oh, and math!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

God Bless Our Constitution

God Bless Our Constitution
(It’s worth giving up freedom for)
By Winlar

F Bflat
God bless our Founding fathers for a contract they did sign
Which put our rights and freedoms right there on the dotted line
It’s called a constitution and God knows what it’s about
But it’s something that we cherish here there isn’t any doubt

But in 2001 the document came under fire
Some sick and twisted terrorists to steal it did aspire
And tragic’ly the parchment that the thing was written on
Was not designed to shield us from Al Qaeda’s dirty bombs

Bflat F
So let’s keep this thing safe, let’s lock it up behind closed doors
God bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for!

What makes this land so great? Why it’s a wondrous document
Which gives full-unchecked power over us to government
But now the creed’s under attack. By Terrorists thieves and knaves it’s
Clear we must destroy the document, if only but to save it

Damned if we’ll let Terrorists have rights we so adore
God bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for

You know those wacky terrorists
Have such amazing talentses
The hide ever so cleverly
Behind our checks and balances
So do not stop to read it
Like some intellectual dorkus
Or they’ll jump right out and stab you
Right there in your Habeas Corpus!

It’s a wonderful ol’ document, just not when we’re at war
God bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for.

So come on folks, we're mired in this fearsome fight of fights
And we cannot be encumbered by some weighty Bill of Rights
So let's safeguard our principles where they'll be far from woe
Let's lock that constitution up safe in Guantanamo!

It’s got sentimental value that we don’t use anymore
God Bless our constitution
It’s worth giving up freedom for

Monday, October 20, 2008

Welcome to the Country

I actually wrote this months before the recent economic meltdown, and yet it still works. Here's a clip from the last show, lyrics below.


Welcome to the Country

By Winlar


Welcome newborns to this world of ours

Welcome to the planet’s greatest nation

Where wealth abounds and there is still some economic growth

Marginally once you’ve adjusted for inflation

I know you’ll have a life of love and prosperity

Doin’ whatever you’ll be doin’

Despite the fact that decades of bad

Economic practices will surely lead us to impending ruin

Oh may you have a wonderful life

With joy and love and even weekend days off

At least until our monetary system collapses

And society spirals into chaos

Bridge 1

You’ll have a sparkling life

Despite the pending strife

Don’t worry about this, not yet

I know you’re just days old

So you have not been told

You were born nine trillion dollars in debt

So as you grow, and go, you know

That life is mostly all fun and cheers

Especially when you’ve shunned fiscal responsibility

Like we’ve been doing lo these 30 years

But don’t you sweat the post-apocalyptic hell that we will soon live in

Get that out of your head

That economic nightmare is still many years away

And by that time both your parents will be dead!

Oh may you have a wonderful life

And stay on the right side of the layoffs

At least until our monetary system collapses

And society spirals into chaos


All this is years away

Don’t let it ruin your day

So what if our currency is flawed?

It’s possible you may

Not even live to that day

Oh, and by the way there is no God

Life will always have its triumphs and its crises

There’s a fine line there I guess will always be

But even finer is that finer line that any day could snap

Between our civil code and violent anarchy

But you know crisis means the same as opportunity

It’s possible things will turn out neat

So good luck outrunning all the godless starving hordes

Who’ll want to kill you just because they need the meat

I know you’ll have a wonderful life

I’ll bet your team always makes the playoffs

At least until our monetary system collapses and \

Society spirals into chaos

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Comments from the right

OK, so I posted my "Are You Really That Stupid" song on Facebook, and I've gotten some right-wing hate mail answering the question very much in the affirmative. I think the comments are very much a microcosm of Republican campaigning in general, so I thought I would share the exchange with you, my dear blog fans, all seven of you. (You may wish to scroll down and watch the video first.)

First, the comment:

1. Are you wearing a hair helmet or is that seriously your hairstyle?

2. You look like the kind of guy that would support Obama because you are always looking for the next thing the government can do for you instead of actually doing something for yourself.

3. Did you wake your Mom when you were making this video or did you have her basement door shut while you were in your "room" (a curtained off corner of the basement I assume).

4. Do you actually have any idea about Obamas proposed policies.


--John C. Namewinlarmadeup.

And here's my patriotic response:

Dear John,

Thanks for checking out my video!

I always appreciate intelligent, thoughtful, and constructive feedback. I also appreciate yours.

Thank you for enlightening the current political debate with a stream of ad homonym attacks, tired catch-phrases and assertions that you can't possibly know are factual, and as it turns out, aren't. May I hazard a guess that you sir, are a Republican?

Allow me to deal with your attempts at put-down humor one by one:

1. Hair helmet! Ah, Scrubs was funny wasn’t it? But now it's gone. What sitcom will you get your material from now?

Yes, that is my real hair. Of my many faults, vanity is clearly not one of them.

Nice pic of you by the way! Is that your real chest? So nice of you to share so much of it!

Sorry blog fans. Can't share his picture with you as I do want to keep things anonymous, but just imagine a neckline right out of the Sopranos or the mid-seventies and a well lubed-back coif.

2. I remember when I joined the US military I thought to myself, "Gee, here's something my country can do for ME!” When I started teaching low-income kids, I thought, "I'm going to make MILLIONS doing this!”

And when I asked for a $750 billion bailout... Was that me or was that conservative “free-market ideologues” who believe in privatizing profit, but socializing debt? Hint: It wasn’t me.

You stereotype liberals when you say we ask what government can do for us personally. What liberals ask is what government can do for SOCIETY. ALL OF US! Education, alleviating poverty, health care, equality, a greater social safety net, maternity leave for mothers et al. These are not selfish requests, these are CHRISTIAN requests.

3. Wake my Mom? That's the best you can come up with? What are you twelve? It’s a good thing we’re not living in a grown up country with grown up problems, or your misguided cheap shot would somehow cheapen the discourse…

The video is shot in the house that I OWN and where I live with my wife, my 2 kids and the world’s best dog. The fact that I’m married is visible on my Facebook profile. I’m curious, did you not bother to look up that fact, or did you research it and go with the attack anyway? (I'd like to ask the same thing to Sarah Palin)

People’s houses (in this case my upstairs office. When we assume..) are where YouTube videos are shot! If you want production values get HBO. YouTube, Facebook, and MySpace are all about the common man taking back the conversation from the corporate media. Why be such a dick about the set design?

4. Um, had you listened to the song, you'd have heard that I mentioned lowering college tuition, ending the Iraq war, and health care as Obama’s proposed policies. (More policy discourse in one song than in McCain’s entire convention speech.)

How could anyone at this juncture NOT know Obama’s proposed policies? He mentions them in every stump speech, they were talked about ad nauseum at the convention, the 24 hour cable news networks have absolutely nothing else to talk about except for fist bumps and lapel pins, and I understand that there is this thing nowadays called the Internet that’s all the rage. (It’s almost as though we’ve entered some kind of “Information Age!”) What kind of mediocre citizen wouldn’t research both candidate’s positions?

If someone's even paying a passing attention, they’ve picked up a dozen things Obama will do, and I play very close attention. I read three different newspapers. I have linked on my homepage. I TiVo stuff on C-SPAN! (Having admitted that, I feel I must restate the fact that I do not live with my mother) I did a whole stinkin’ hour-long hilarious political comedy show for crying out loud! (DVD’s still available!)

Why do I pay so much attention? Because before I started paying so much attention, I was a conservative.

But since you asked, (sans question marks) here are a few other things Obama proposes to do that come to mind off the top of my head, in no particular order:

-He will implement a saner, less arrogant foreign policy, ending the "Silent treatment" policy, which never worked in high school, hasn't worked internationally, and has devastated our prestige with other nations.

-He supports the Employee Free Choice Act, which will increase the power of Unions to negotiate better wages in this country. Studies consistently show that unions drive wages up, even for non-members. This is a good thing.

-He’ll invest in energy solutions to get us off of our petroleum dependency, decrease the nation’s carbon footprint, and creating new jobs in new technologies.

-He’ll raise the federal minimum wage! You do know that the vast majority of people living in poverty work, right? You do know that the majority of people earning minimum wage are not teenagers but male heads of households and single mothers, right? So let’s see… when you pull up to the drive thru during an Obama administration, not only will the guy serving you your whopper be less likely to spit in it, he’ll have health care so if he does it will likely be less contagious. I’d say that’s a win-win wouldn’t you?

-And oh yeah, he'll stop torturing people without even the right of habeus corpus, bring back the rule of law, and end one of the saddest, most paranoid eras in American history?

Is that enough, or would you like to know more about people he’s met who did bad things when he was eight?


Let me recommend some very useful websites

Which should demonstrate to you the clear differences in tax policy between the two candidates and also demonstrate that you are very likely voting against your own economic self-interest.

Boy, I have gone on haven’t I? That’s how it goes when you talk about issues rather than someone’s hair.

I hope you've enjoyed my responses to your questions, (more questions than Sarah Palin has fielded in the past 2 weeks…)

Thanks again for your comment on my song and asking such insightful questions, while answering my original one!



Let that be a lesson to you all. Winlar's hair is OFF LIMITS!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Are You Really?

Sorry 'bout the low quality video, but we're going on the fly these days. Here's a little song I wrote for those who are buying the latest Republican line, asking that musical question. (Lyrics below)

So you’re worried ‘bout Obama
Because of Bill Ayers
Combine that with fist bumps
And his lapel pin and you’re really scared

Well your vote is your choice
So do what you must do
But first if you don’t mind if I’d like to ask
One question of you

Are you really that Stupid
Are you really that daft?
Can you actually function
With your head
So far up your ass?
Is your life’s only purpose
To turn food into poop? It
Really pains me that I have to ask
Are you really that stupid?

You know the country has problems
The economy’s ailin’
And you can see none of them can be solved
By Sarah Palin

But you’ve heard that “That One”
Is a dangerous guy
At least that’s what John McCain says
And why would he lie?


I know you want cheaper college
And taxes cut just a tweak?
And I know you want to end this war that’s costing
2 billion a week

And I know you want health care
For all sick and lame
But you'll just forgo all that
Cuz' you're scared of some guy's middle name


Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Town Hall Debate Running Diary

All Right, well, I haven’t done a running diary on anything since I don’t know when, so I thought I’d spend 90 otherwise worthwhile minutes of my life watching tonight’s presidential debate and giving my reactions as they hit me. (Props of course to the Sport’s Guy for more or less inventing the format.)

Let’s get to it!

5:55:35 PM
OK, Debate’s about to begin. Some notes going in watching the pregame:

-Cindy McCain today said that Obama’s run “the dirtiest campaign in the History of the US.” Hello? This isn’t even the dirtiest campaign in the history of John McCain!

-The debate is before a “town meeting” and there are like 40 people in the hall. What town are they talking about, Wasilla Alaska?

-The questions will be asked by “undecided” voters. Honestly, how can anybody still be undecided at this point? These candidates have been at it for more than a year! If you committed a crime when these guys began, congratulations, the statute of limitations has run out by now! Why don’t we allow people who at least follow politics once a year to ask the debate questions?

6:00:40 PM
OK. Going to watch the debate on PBS, which I recommend to all. No interrupting, no crawl line, no pulse thingy. When in doubt, PBS.

6:01:56 PM
Here’s Tommy Brokaw to fact-check me and say the town hall has 80 people. Oh great. Tom has screened the questions. Conspiracy theorists, get typing… So there won’t be any question coming out of left field. No. It’s not like a president ever needs to think on his feet or anything…

6:03:09 PM
Here they come to shake hands. McCain makes perhaps the only eye contact of the night with Obama.

6:03:58 PM
Bald guy asks first question. Economy of course. Big drawl. Who decided on Nashville for this? Dems gave away home field advantage.
The answers strike me as dull because I’ve heard it all before.
Oh, but first lie of the night. McCain on Energy. 700 billion is an inflated estimate. The real number is around 569 billion. (Yes, I’ve been on a lot lately)
McCain sounds like a grandparent trying to make his grandkids eat broccoli.

6:09:00 PM
Tom asks a follow-up question. I’m wondering if somehow Brokaw will wind up asking more questions than the audience. Even odds on that.
McCain suggests someone from E-bay to be Treasury secretary (It’s on this “Internet” thing he’s heard of.)
Obama suggests, well, no actual name.

6:11:33 PM
Can a brother ask a question around here? Yes! Already this debate is more diverse than the Reppublican National Convention…
(I was so excited for the fact that someone diverse was asking something I missed the question.)
McCain says we probably haven’t heard of Freddie and Fannie Mac before. Man, he is condescending. Then he blames Democrats and cronies and the people who, god forbid, asked for mortgages. (65% of whom qualified for better mortgages than they were talked into, but still, they’re POOR!!)

Obama is going to go well over the time limit. This will be a problem for both all night. They have to answer the questions, connect with the questioners and slander each other all within a one-minute time span.

6:17:52 PM
If you’re drinking at home, you should have picked “cronyism” for your trigger word.

6:18:54 PM
Man, this woman, Theresa Finch, was almost in tears asking “How can we trust you! Both parties are bad!” Hey, I feel her pain, but again, if you’re an undecided voter at this point you’re part of the problem. If people like you paid more attention Theresa, then the parties wouldn’t be allowed to run roughshod all over you. Try before giving up on democracy…

-McCain really is good at this format. He’s also helped by the complete lack of rebuttal time allowed.

6:23:51 PM
Who cried out for more Brokaw? “I got the fever, and it can only be cured with more Brokaw!” Tom, we get you on Meet the Press every week. Let these 80 Joe Six-Packs ask one freakin’ question for one night in 4 years. Jeesh.
Anyway, He wants priorities on things, and I’m totally bored already.

6:26:50 PM
This debate is sounding exactly like the last debate. Make that the last two debates. It’s like hearing Barack Obama and John McCain cover bands.

6:28:35 PM
Tom slipped another question in there. He has now asked 5 questions to 3 by the audience. I will continue to score this.

-John McCain REALLY hates that overhead projector Obama bought for a Chicago Planetarium. Apparently it represents everything that is wrong with America.

Side note: I’m sure I’m not the first person to have noticed that Microsoft Word’s spellchecker has no problem with John McCain, but it redlines both Barack and Obama. Just another obstacle he’s had to climb…

6:32:25 PM
My son just pooped his pants. This concerns me much more than the debate right now or how either of the candidates “connects” to anybody.

6:33:29 PM
Another Brokaw question! 6-3. (By the way, the spellchecker has no problem with Brokaw either! Really? Brokaw? How commonly do people type Brokaw?)

6:35:56 PM
McCain just compared Obama to Herbert Hoover. John, only you remember Herbert Hoover.
Now the thing is heating up. McCain just told a bunch of whopping lies that aren’t allowed to get rebutted. My child’s diaper is still poopy, but McCain’s last answer reeks worse.

6:38:57 PM
7-3 Brokaw. This is becoming a rout. The Candidates and Hall had better get busy or Tom’s gonna run away with this debate…

-All the talk about tax plans could be fixed with a visit to or the Washington Post’s excellent chart.
Oh, but that would require the American People to do RESEARCH! God forbid…

6:42:43 PM
McCain’s trying to out-Sarah-Palin Sarah Palin. Some g’s please folks and fella’s!

6:43:21 PM
Question from the hall. 7-4. And a generic question about Climate Change! Thanks for screening the questions Tom! Are the people of Nashville really this DULL? (That would explain the state of country music…)

6:45:26 PM
McCain really seems excited! Well, not really. He seems like someone trying to ACT excited saying things he’s already said 1000 times. Anyway, it’s a good format for him.

More exciting though is that there’s this kid with a crew cut who is in the background whenever a certain camera angle is used and the kid appears to be an odd combination of bored/terrified. 3 to 1 the kid picks his nose on national TV before we’re through. It will be the best part of this debate.

6:48:20 PM
8-4 Brokaw. Do we need a Manhattan Project for Energy? Duh. We should have Manhattan Projects for everything. But that’s just my opinion. Manhattan Projects work.

-Finally a good health care question from the house makes it 8-5. Unfortunately I already know how both candidates will answer it. They’ll tell lies about each other’s plans rather than extol the merits of their own. Too bad.

(My wife has chimed in with “Just say yes or no.” She’s right. For those of you playing at home, the correct answer is:
“Is health care a commodity? NO. It’s a fucking NEED!”
Neither candidate answered it correctly. Maybe Tom will follow-up?)

6:55:29 PM
Tom gets in there. 9-5. Is health care a right, privilege of responsibility? Nice to have a little follow, but why the third option Tom? Responsibility? What does that even mean?
For the record, McCain-Responsibility, Obama- Right.

Obama goes over time by about 100 years but had to because Health care is complex. You know the Lincoln-Douglass debates? No time limits! Let’s get back to that.

6:59:56 PM
And from there to Iraq. 9-6. The hall is making a comeback. My kid’s diaper has been changed and John McCain is ignoring the question he was asked.

7:01:37 PM
Man, have I heard both sides talk about Iraq ad nauseum. Guys, it was a bad idea. Let’s get out of there and stop turning good money into bad and good troops into casualties.

Oh, and by the way, not that anyone mentioned it, but the surge didn’t work. More on that later.

7:04:24 PM
Brokaw asks an interesting question. “What is your doctrine?” An interesting question, but still, Tom’s talking too much. 10-6.

Apparently the McCain doctrine consists mainly of criticizing the Obama doctrine…

John, damnit, someone needs to set you straight on this, so I guess it has to be me in bold face.
Victory and Defeat are terms for games. Stop belittling our troops by referring to a war as if it were a game! (By the way, the vets of Iraq and Afghanistan graded you a D for the past 2 years.)

7:08:36 PM
Katie Hamm (Real name? You decide) reads a question on a card as if it’s the first time she’s ever seen it. 10-7 Come on Hall! Make a comeback!

(I have to pee. How much more of this thing is left?)

McCain’s strategy for winning Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan? David Petraeus! What are we going to clone him?
(Spellchecker did not find Petraeus btw)

Oh, now we’re getting personal. The bomb Iran, and all the dumb McCain quotes are coming out. It’s almost interesting. Almost.

7:16:28 PM
Enter Brokaw. 11-7. Should we reorganize Afghanistan strategy? Meanwhile, my wife has turned on “Legally Blonde” on our second TV (Yes, I have two TV’s next to each other in my living room.) It’s hard to keep an eye on John McCain when 15 sorority girls are screaming and hugging each other just to his right…

Reason number 2003 that John McCain shouldn’t be president. He still says the surge worked. The surge didn’t work. It’ didn’t cause the Anbar awakening etc…
What really stopped the violence in Iraq? Sadly, the neighborhoods became so segregated, there’s “No one left to kill” as one expert put it. That’s what’s brought the violence down, as well as some other diplomacy.
And, John, even if the surge DID work, and the only reason that violence is down is the presence of US troops, then what the hell happens when we eventually do pull out? Sure, you can bring down crime by imposing a police state, but something else has to change, or the crime will come right back as soon as you leave. The surge commits us to Iraq for LONGER!
But I’m not very opinionated on that…

7:20:14 PM
Tom reads a question from the Internet. Does that make the score 11-7-1? I dunno. I’ve paused the debate for the first time because I really need to pee.

OK. Russia. McCain says there won’t be a new cold war, then basically calls Putin “Evil.”
Both candidates are trying to list more obscure countries than the other here as a way of showing that they can win a geography bee. Meanwhile my daughter has decided to just scream through the whole thing anyway and I don’t blame her.

Here’s all you need to know about what US foreign policy will be like in the next administration: We’ll still be arrogant, “talk tough” to keep the domestic fear level high, and use our military way too much, because when your only tool is a hammer, every problem becomes a nail. Don’t worry folks. As long as you clamor for a “strong leader” and “American Exceptionalism” you’ll get to keep paying 20 times more for your military than any other country…

7:27:04 PM
“Is Russia the Evil Empire” question. Tom’s now up 12-7-1.
McCain makes a joke. Yeah, the cold war. Good times..

7:28:17 PM
From the peanut gallery, a question about Iran and Israel makes it 12-8-1. I have Sooooo much trouble actually believing that this Naval Petty Officer really wanted to ask a question about Iran attacking Israel. Really? Is that really what’s first and foremost on your mind there CPO Sharkey? What the hell?

McCain: “Be afraid of Iran. Be very afraid”
Obama: “Be afraid. Be very afraid… Nuclear weapons…”
Honestly kids, Iran? A threat? Have we really run that low on things to be afraid of? Who else are we going to be at war with in the next 4 years? (Don’t answer that. Please don’t answer that…)

7:33:05 PM
Last Question. Thank God… From the Internet. 12-8-2 final score, Brokaw asking more questions than a US city and the Internet combined. Thanks Tom for still being our “Media Filter.”
The question is “what don’t you know and how will you learn it?” It got a laugh, but um, what a blitheringly stupid question to sum up a blitheringly stupid night.
If there’s something you don’t know, you don’t know it, hence the question is inherently unanswerable and makes us vulnerable to a potential Donald Rumsfeld “Unknown Unknown” nonsense. Thank you Internet, for wasting even more of my time and thank you “Commission on Presidential Debates” for stealing 90 minutes of my life I could have spent bonding with my kids.

This thing just sucked folks. You can’t put lipstick on this pig.

Ugh. Time to wrap up…

So who won? Tell you what. I won’t belittle the debate process by using terms like “win” and “lose” if the candidates stop belittling wars the same way.
But if you must have an answer: I lost. Lost a little more confidence in our system, lost a little more respect for Tom Brokaw, and lost a little more faith in democracy. But other than that, Go USA!!

9:23:54 PM
OK, It’s been a couple of hours and a hot tub soak since the debate ended, and I have a few more rants thinking about a few things.

First and foremost, this “debate” format was a complete joke. Town Hall? The only good things about the town hall format are that people can ask unpredictable questions, and can do it directly, with no mediation. By having Brokaw screen the questions, they sucked that out of it and turned the citizens into mere props. That’s like waiting a long time for fast food, or paying more at Home Depot. Once you take the one good thing out all that you’re left with is suck. This whole Town meeting format really needs to find the dung heap of Americana if they keep doing it like this.

And I still can’t believe that a naval officer in Tennessee has nothing more pressing on his mind than whether or not Iran is going to invade Israel, and is basing his presidential selection on how a candidate answers that question. I just can’t. The dude wasn’t even Jewish! Something funny is going on here. This is a crock.

You know what would be better than all of this hyped “debate” nonsense? I’m just begging to see two candidates sit at a table, no moderator, and just TALK TO EACH OTHER! Ask questions of each other. Haggle over figures. Heck, put a computer there on the table and they can research figures and fact check on the Internet and everything. Sure, four and a half hours every four years wouldn’t be enough, so hell, put them both in the same room and let them argue for a week. It would be so much better than this pre-packaged garbage that the Commission on Presidential Debates brings us. That organization needs to be disbanded in the worst way. It’s a huge impediment to intelligent democracy.

Sorry. I guess I’m just a bit burned out by politics.
See you later in the week with a nice funny song which will probably address more issues than tonight's debate did.


Monday, October 06, 2008

Joe Six-Pack

So Sarah Palin said repeatedly in the debate that she’s just a “Joe Six-Pack.” Funny… I’m a Six-Pack and I’ve never seen you at the family reunions!

I often enjoy a six-pack or two in between six-packs and being a part of the proud Six-Pack family I’d like to say that Sarah Palin does not speak for me. In fact, if she is a true Six-Pack, (maybe by marriage? Is that why it’s hyphenated?) then she’s soiling the good Six-Pack family name as an embarrassment to Six-Packs everywhere. This Gov is no true Six-Pack.

Here’s a little primer on how to be a good Six-Pack:

Us Six-Packs don’t care if you don’t answer the questions the way people expect, but we do want you to answer correctly once in a while…

Six-Packs know that no matter how low your expectations, if you get your ass kicked in a debate, you got your ass kicked in a debate.

Six-Packs know that the causes of things, like global warming or the financial crisis matter!

Six-Packs know the difference between “fundamentals” and “workers.” We do not believe these words are synonyms.

This Joe Six-Pack believes in evolution, since he has seen his compatriots regress from time to time.

Joe Six-Pack thinks that, now that you’re worth $1.2 million, maybe you can kick in for beer, or health care, or college tuition for the rest of the family.

Joe Six-Pack believes that paying his taxes is patriotic, taking your company offshore is unpatriotic, and that labeling people patriotic and unpatriotic does a disservice to the nation. (Joe Six-Pack realizes the contradiction lying therein.)

Joe Six-Pack knows that, despite all the abstinence education you get, Six-Packs being what they are, if you don’t learn about contraception, there are gonna be a lot of little Six-Packs running around.

Joe Six-Pack loves America, Americans, of all creeds colors and backgrounds. He doesn’t just “Tolerate” them.

Joe Six-Pack is wondering how you can share his values, since you don’t seem to have any…

And lastly, Joe Six-Pack really hates it when people talk out their asses, lie and weasel, and aren’t qualified for their jobs.

And now, for the Six-Packs everywhere, some true populism:

Thursday, October 02, 2008

God Chose This President and ists.

So in honor of tonight's upcoming "debate" featuring things Sarah Palin has been told to say and things Joe Biden will be nit-picked for, I thought I'd blog the opening song of my last show. (DVD's of which are available!) which you can view by scrolling down.

But first, since I realize that for making fun of Gov. Palin I will be labeled a "sexist" by people who don't have a single clue what the term means, I wrote a little essay to edify.

The “Ist” thing

I’m not antifeminist. I’m antisarahpalinist. I’m not sexist, I’m anncoulterist. Specificity people. It’s what American discourse is lacking. I see a lot of people confusing political correctness with actual correctness, so we need a little crash course on how and when to use "ists."

What people still don’t seem to get about the ist thing is that sex-ist means that something insults the entire sex, as I would do if I said, “No woman should be vice-president.” That insults the entire sex. However, when I say, “any woman would be a better vice-president than Sarah Palin.” Well that’s about as un-sexist as you can get.

The ist thing does not apply to shots taken at any one particular person. You demean ists when you forget this. When I say, “OJ probably killed his wife,” I’m not saying “All black people killed OJ’s wife.” That's not even technically possible. If I say “Black folks all smoke pot,” that’s obviously as racist as it is untrue, but if I say “Snoop Dogg needs to put the pipe down,” I’m simply stating something well documented in the public record.
If I say that Pat Buchanon is a blithering jackass, would it be said that I hate all white men? Does that make me a self-hating white male? No. I hate blithering jackasses. This makes me a self-hating blithering jackass, but that’s just something I’ll have to learn to deal with.

So since I’m talking about blithering jackasses, let’s come full circle back to Palin. Sarah, stop trying to change the ist rules. The ist rules, when properly enforced don’t allow you to hide behind everyone who happens to share your gender, race, class or creed whenever someone happens to point out the fact that you’re a psycho. I'm not saying that you are a psycho because you're a woman, I'm saying that you are a psycho because you're a psycho. Don’t blame it on an ist or ism because someone points out that you personally have done nothing but slander and lie with your fifteen minutes of fame. It’s not sexism, it’s sarahpalinism and there’s going to be a lot more of it the more you duck behind a feminist movement you never previously seemed to want any part of. Stop hiding behind your gender and take your lumps like a… like a… well, let’s just say vice-presidential candidate running with a guy who opposed the ERA.

OK, now let's sing a song making fun of you.

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