Thursday, July 03, 2008

Sonics leaving. A plan of action and revenge.

OK. So the Sonics are leaving. I’ve been trying to put into words how hurt and angry and horrified I am, as a sports fan, Sonics fan, and citizen of the United States of America but it’s just not coming out right, so it’s going to turn into some random angry thoughts:

First off, let’s stop blaming our local leaders. Yeah, they didn’t do much, but what could they do? What could any of us do? We’re just citizens of the United States of America. We traded in any actual power we may have had as CITIZENS during the Reagan Administration so that we could become CONSUMERS instead. And as consumers with, well, no money, turns out we don’t really have any power at all. Yeah. Good trade.

So don’t blame our state and local elected officials. Let’s blame Clay (Asshole) Bennett and David (Fucking) Stern. They’re the corporate lackies who forced this to where it is, they’re the carpetbaggers who stole a piece of our history and culture, and they’re the ones who have turned the NBA from something special into a not-so-profitable business.

Now we’ve blamed the right people. And once you’ve blamed the right people, what do we as good Americans do? No! We don’t invade Iraq. Stop that. We get Payback! Payback against the RIGHT people. Clay Asshole Bennett and David Fucking Stern.

Here’s how we gets us some good old fashioned-Mel-Gibson-Passion-of-the-Christ Payback!

First, David Fucking Stern and Clay Asshole Bennett are not allowed in our State ever again. I don’t know how to legally do this, but I’m sure there’s a way. We have the greatest state in the world. The west coast of Western Civilization. What do you do when a spouse leaves you, then insists on hanging around? You get a restraining order. Sorry Clay (Asshole) you will never get to see the sun set over Puget Sound or rise over Mt. Rainier, except maybe on YouTube.

Second, Let’s bring them down. Patty Murray, Maria Cantwell are you listening? It’s time for congressional inquiries into the NBA. Seriously. Do you know how sports teams make their money? The public teat. All of them. OK, fine, I’m for a little help to certain industries from government, but this jerking around of cities and pitting them against each other has got to stop. The value of these teams keep getting inflated by government hand-outs in the form of stadiums, luxury boxes and tax breaks, and that has to end. These swindling owners can’t claim to be "public institutions" and "just plain 'ol businesses" at the same time. Let’s get Congress to gut this sham.

Third, speaking of Congress, let’s nationalize the oil industry. You know how people keep accusing Democrats of being socialists but what do we ever even try to socialize? Health Care sort of, but not even that really. So fuck it. You wanna call us socialists? Howzabout we socialize the American Oil Industry? All energy in fact. Would there be a downside? Probably. But upsides? One: We probably wouldn’t be in the stupid war to privatize Iraq’s oil we’ve been in. Two: Income tax would be lessened by all the money we could make off the oil under OUR country’s land that we right now pay guys like Clay Asshole Bennett to take out of the ground for us, and Three: We could VOTE on the price of gas instead of being told to just bend over and take it by Four: people in the industry like Clay Asshole Bennett so that he can turn around and spend it buying our sports teams and moving them just because he was born with such a ridiculously small penis.

Fourth, Sir Mix-a-lot, your city needs you! Times like this call for devastating ridicule through rap! Hey, you know what? Clay Asshole Bennett and David Fucking Stern both have big butts and I can not lie! Start with that and run with it baby! I know you’ll make us proud!

Fifth, Let’s sleep around. OK. So this was like a marriage, and someone stole our wife. They lied about us to do it, kicked our name around and it got ugly, like, well a divorce. So what do you do in such a scenario? Right! Whore yourself to everyone in town. Show them what they’re missing. Yoo hoo! NHL! Can we have a team? We got 45 mill from our ex and we just wanna spend it all on you! MLS? Indoor Lacrosse? Oh yeah! You know Seattle’s hot to trot! In fact the best thing would be to bring back the ABA, which will be like sleeping with the NBA’s brother. Will we regret it? Oh yes, probably. Especially when we wake up one morning with an Arena Football team we have to cook an impromptu omelet for. But the main thing is that it will HURT Clay Asshole Bennett and David Fucking Stern. Every cheer we send up, every ticket we buy, every World Team Tennis Novelty Foam finger we buy, we’ll be letting them know what they could have had and they no longer get.

And that’s the way we get over this. We don't get over this. This is a soulless awful, shortsighted corporate idiotic move that makes no sense to anyone. Score it like this:

Seattle loses 41 years of History, loyalty, civic pride, and cheers.
OKC gains a business, a glorified expansion team, and a rich man's toy.
David Stern gains the ability to continue to blackmail local governments, the only way his poorly structured corporation can make money.
NBA fans lose rivalries, security, and the illusion that fans matter.

Sorry to just incoherently rant this week, but I'm stunned into incoherence but this incoherent move. Now if anyone needs me, I'll be getting drunk.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Bennett must have given Stern some damn good blowjobs!

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