Thursday, June 05, 2008

Why Obama Won

So, Barack Obama is our nominee. How did this happen? Can it be explained? Pundits will be discussing this one for a long time or at least until Brittany goes clubbing without panties again. So I thought I’d toss in my two-cents, which may not be well founded, or well explained, or by any standards grammatically correct but they have the advantage of being right.

Here’s what it boils down to:

The reason Obama won?

Obama has It.

That simple.

Don’t ask me to tell you what It is, because obviously if I could call it anything else I wouldn’t have to call it It, but Barack has It. Napoleon had It. FDR had It. JFK had It. Hell, Bill Clinton had It. Barack’s got it too and by it I mean It. You just watch him and you know. He was either born with, inherited, bought, or was infected by It, whatever, but It’s all over him. It the man has.

Hillary, on the other hand, does not have It. I’m sorry. She has a lot of things but she doesn’t have It. She didn’t have It in Iowa, she doesn’t have It now. She’s been desperately trying to get It, or at least rent It for a while, but she ain’t got It, and I doubt she’ll ever have It.

What she has is much more like Anti-It. She has negative It. She sucks the It out of other people. That’s how she’s stayed in the race so long. She’s been sucking the It out of Obama and that’s kept him from overwhelming us with his
Itness. She’s become an It sucking machine. It was a good strategy, but in the end, Obama just had more It than she could neutralize. Basic It physics.

That’s why she and Bill have a good marriage. (I know, you just spat out your drink reading that, but let me explain.) He’s got It, she’s got Anti-It and they thus form an It symbiosis. Perhaps the It and the Anti-It meet and annihilate each other like matter and anti-matter giving the couple a warp-drive like energy which has fueled their political ambitions to these lofty heights at speeds faster than light. I don’t know. We’re in the realm of pure speculation here and to attempt to fathom it further I’d need another six-pack.

Most political races boil down to just that. It versus Anti-It and It usually wins, at least in this political universe under these gravitational laws. That’s too bad for Hillary on this one, but great news for an It starved nation.

So will Obama win in November? Well, suffice it to say that John McCain can’t even spell It. He couldn’t hit It if It were water and he fell out of a boat. He probably doesn’t even know that there’s such a thing as It. He avoids It as if he were playing a game of tag. Etcetera, etcetera.

So yes, I’m feeling pretty good about this election campaign.

Viva la It.


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