Friday, August 01, 2008

Socialize This!

Hey! Sorry to not have blogged for so long, but I've been on vacation, and working on (drumroll please...)


Winlar '08: Making Things Worse!

September 12th, 13th and 19th at the Famous Jewel Box Theater in the Rendezvous Bar and Restaurant! 8pm! (Still amazingly just 10 bucks!)

Mark your calendars!

And as a little teaser, here's a little snippet that I'm working on for the show Enjoy!

Here’s a complaint I get sometimes. “You’re a Communist! Like Hitler!”

Man, that hurts. Did you get that GED from Harvard?

It really bothers me that whenever Democrats suggest anything to even slow capitalist greed down they call Democrats “Socialists.” Hmm… So Socialists receive millions of dollars in campaign contributions from huge corporations? Is that what they’re about?

The whole thing is ridiculous, because Socialism means that the government would actually ever have some kind of power, and I don't see either party recognizing that...

What is anybody even talking about socializing? We can’t even socialize health care, and that’s been proven to WORK!

But this got me to thinking that perhaps there are some industries out there that we should take a long look at nationalizing. Some that, quite frankly, need some federal help. So, without further ado, a quick list of some industries the government couldn’t possibly run any worse than they are being run right now:

Cable TV. Does anyone here have the Comcast DVR? Tell me that even the least effectual government bureaucrat could not improve on that unadulterated piece of shit. Fast forwards for 5 seconds, and then it just freezes. The thing makes ColecoVision look like a supercomputer

Honestly, the cable companies are sucky monopolies anyway so making them a government monopoly couldn’t possibly be much worse. They have it coming. It’s a done deal. Cable companies, we’re nationalizing you tomorrow. Sometime between noon and six pm. Be there.

Sports: Um, last time I checked, we’re building all the stadiums anyway… You keep hearing sports franchises saying things like this: (This is based on a true story, perhaps you’ve heard it?) “I just bought this franchise for 350 million dollars, and now you have to build a 500 million dollar facility, or we’re leaving!”

So an easy solution, why don’t we just pay the 350 million and buy the team ourselves and then spend the extra $150 mil on free beer?

Clay Bennett, may he rot in hell and by that I mean, “may he rot in hell TODAY, wouldn’t be anything more than a rich asshole. (As opposed to a rich asshole with my fucking team. Yes. I'm still bitter.)

The Post Office: Imagine a utopia where the government controlled the mail and a letter sent easily and efficiently from doorstep to doorstep anywhere in the country for but 40 cents. What an idealistic dream that would be… Oh wait, skip that one.

A State-run Ministry of Propaganda: You know, to give glowing, biased accounts of what great things the current administration is doing… Oh wait, that’s already outsourced to Fox news. That one’s done.

Energy: This would be a big reversal. I know we’re used to the energy industry running the government, but we should take a turn running it for a change. Sounds like a fair trade.

Um, the oil is under OUR country. Um, it is sort of the linchpin of the entire economy. Perhaps we should have at least some government control?

Maybe the feds couldn’t do better than $4.25 a gallon, but I’d rather get sodomized by someone I can vote out of office rather than have no say whatsoever as to the price of gas. Plus, in the future when we go to war for oil, this cuts out the middleman!

And speaking of getting sodomized, that leads me to:

Pornography: State run porn! It's the best idea I have ever had! We already had a preview of this with the Starr Commission report.

This could be a moneymaker! I have it all figured out. C-SPAN 4! Sexual Congress!

Starring Eliot Spitzer. Larry Craig, Mark Foley. Now they’re earning their congressional salaries!

Think of the marriages it could save:

“Are you downloading porn, you sicko?”

“No hon, just seeing who to vote for… Man, I’m such a good citizen!"

Sure, keep government out of a woman's uterus, but there are some other parts that I'm comfortable with it touching...

“Introducing Bill HR 1423 sub clause five: campaign finance reform. The vote for cloture will now begin… (Cue the bad Jazz-funk fusion music) Boump bit di boum boum…” Everybody wins with this scenario!

Just a few suggestions. Feel free to comment and suggest some of your own!

Until next week,


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