The Bible in We Didn't Start the Fire form

 The Bible, sung to the tune of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”

You didn’t know you needed it, but you do.

God makes earth in the begin

Adam, Eve, Orig’nal sin

Fall of man, God’s great plan

Cain kills Abel

Flood and other this and thats

Canaan cursed, then begats

Table of nations, tower of Babel

Abraham hits rock bottom

Destruction of Gomorrah and Sodom

Isaac’s Sidekicks, Esau, Ishmael

Jacob steals the birthright

Then beats God in a fight

Stairway to heaven, now he goes by Israel

He runs off and double weds

Leah, Rachel, lots of kids

Run around, lost and found

Joseph gets a coat

Sold into slavery

Though his brother’s knavery

Feast and famine,

 Lil’ Joe gets his game on

Then to Egypt they all go

Joseph working for Pharoah

Joseph dies

Plagues of flies

Moses grabs the ball

First borns die, lots of fuss

Moses leads an Exodus

Red Sea Deadly

To Promised land they crawl

Bunch of military stands

Burning bush, ten commands

Manna, hosanna

Little golden calf

Amorites, Amelikites

Cloud by day, fire  by night

Tabernacle, buds on Aaron’s staff

Israelites keep up the pace

Moses gets a shiny face

Wrath of God, Ephod

Golden ark stays hidden

Breakin’ down the Jewish law

Sacrifices to the God

Sinai, Levi

Some foods get forbidden

Census taken, Folks rebel

God sends rebels straight to hell

Earthquake, Bronze Snake

Water from a rock

Balaam’s donkey, Midianites

Lots of real one-sided fights

Promised land, Moses banned

40 years? That wasn’t planned!

Eatin’ Quail and livin’ large

Moses out. Josh in charge

Crossing Jordan, Fall of Jericho

Circumcision at Gilgal

Caleb proves a trusty pal

Canaan! Ah man!

Fin’ly, in we go!

Battle entered, Sun stands still

Five Amorite kicks are killed

Plots allotted to the twelve tribes

Confident they’re fin’ly home

Now they bury Joseph’s bones

Praising, grazing

Lots of diatribes

Judges set to rule the place

But the people lose their faith

Deborah, foo for ah

This goes on a while

Othniel and Ehud bite

Gideon kills the Midianites

Micah, like ya’

Samson and Delilah

Samuel comes, folks want a king

That may ruin everything

God says fine, Philistines

Then they turn to Saul

Saul disses Samuel

Country then goes right to hell

David sings, grabs a sling

Then Goliath falls

Saul goes nuts from jealousy

David will the next king be

Might men, Jerusalem

David and Ziba

Lots of infidelity

Absolem’s conspiracy

Naughty hottees

Nathan, Bathsheba

Much much later David dies

Solomon is very wise

Temple built, no more guilt

Then the baby split

He kills off his enemies

Fetches lots of cedar trees

Then his death, what a mess

Everything to shit

Kingdom gets split in two

Lots of kings, god knows who

Ahijah, Elijah

Nehoboem, Nadab

Asa, Baasha, Elah

Omri, Zimri, Judah

Prophets come off it

Ahab, Ben-hadad

Ahaziah, Zechariah

Pekahiah, Hezekiah

Sallem, Menahem

Mount Carmel

Elisha comes, how ‘bout that?

Jumpin’ King Jehosophat!

Jehoazaz, Azaz

Jezebel

Elijah goes straight up to heaven

Still eating the bread unleaven

Axhead floats, scape goats

Kids get in a scrap

Envoys from Babylon

More and more kings on and on

God condemns

Jerusalem

Then we must recap…

Chronicles reiterates

Lots of names, lots of dates

Exile

Takes a while

Ezra rebuilds

Xerxes, Darius

Jews won’t intermarry us

Confession, Procession

Everyone is thrilled

Brand new walls begin to wail

Esther lives a fairy tale

Mordecai, real cool guy

Haman gets hanged

Nehemiah brings them back

Fends off loyalist attack

Exiles reconciled

Back! Well, I’ll be danged!

Brief tangent, now comes Job

Pretty little epic ode

Psalms and Proverbs

Praising things to death

Solomon sings a song

Chorus tries to sing along

Ecclesiastes, Life is nasty

All is meaningless

Isaiah born, ungrateful nation

Persians and Lamentations,

Prophesy, Poetry

Mountain of the Lord

Oracles, Ezekiel

Jeremiah goes through hell

Adultery, Imagery

Drought, Famine, Sword

Nebuchadnezzar’s dream

He gets Daniel on his team

Lion’s den, Shows them then!

God’s the way to go!

Floating hand writes on a wall

Fiery furnace free for all

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego

Jonah swallowed

Joel Hosea

Romans conquer all Judea

Zephaniah, Zechariah

Ain’t we havin’ fun?

Coming of Zion’s king

Zerubbabel, the signet ring

Malachi dots the eye

End of Act one!!!

Teenagers!

A song about parenting (about 13 years in)

Enjoy! (Lyrics below)

Children, god they’re beautiful

‘Specially your own;

Parents, savor these fine jewels

Soon they’ll be full grown

Love each little trait

Love each slip and fall

Even appreciate

Those times they cry and whine and bawl

Their delightful little smiles

The funny things they say

Enjoy these things all while

You still can see them everyday

Love these little guys

These little golden dream makers

Cause in the blink of an eye

They turn into fucking teenagers…

Teenagers, Fucking Teenagers

Whiney nasty, gangly little gits

Teenagers, Fucking Teenagers

Who only exist to give their parents shit

2

Now their voc’lizations

Seem just heaven sent

Soon every conversation

It will be an argument

Plus their faces flare up

Time will have its ravages

Those delightful little cherubs

They turn into fucking savages!

T. FT

A stage out of which they’ll hopefully grow

T, FT

(Mocking) 

Yeah Dad I know I know I know I know!!

Br.

Oh great, you figured it out

Your generation figured everything out!

You’re so smart and we’re so dumb

Us, OK Boomers, yeah, it’s not boomer it’s Gen X but OK Do whatever you like you stupid fucking…

T. FT

Their sentences are abnormally curt

T FT

But yet still they just really really hurt

Oh they are sweet now

But you just observe

In a few years they’ll learn how

To tap dance on your every nerve

Time goes by so quick

Soon you’ll wish it went faster

So they can jump the ship

And then, you’ll miss the little bastards

T FT

Can’t live with ‘em can’t leave ‘em alone

T FT

Stop staring at your mother fucking phone!

T FT

They get more annoying by the hour

T FT

Would it kill you just to take a fuckin’ shower?

Which Mass Shooting?

Which Mass Shooting

By Winlar

All of this hollerion’ All of this hooting

Would not have prevented that recent mass shooting!

Alll of these measures

All this invective

I’ll guarantee nothing would have been effective

All these solutions

All that you’ve dropped

No how now way that they would have stopped

Those tragic events

There isn’t a doubt

Wait… 

Which mass shooting are we talking about?

Background checks?

Banning of guns?

What crimes would they stop? Not this one!

America’s diff’rent

Unique among lands

Your solution’s no better than throwing up hands

It wouldn’t have worked

This idea you’ve thrown out

Wait…

Which mass shooting are we talking about?

You know the one

The one that I mean

I think it involves an AR 15

Wielded and eas’ly obtained by a teen

To make mass bloodshed

Cruel and obscene

Yes that one, no that one

No not that one no

The one that just happened

Weeks days hours ago

Damn, now I’m confused

Can’t figure it out

Wait,...

Which mass shooting are we talking about?

Oh it doesn’t matter

All these reforms

None ‘vum will make us

Stray from this norm

When all’s said and done

When all’s done and said

We’re impotent trying to cut down the bloodshed

So let’s only, let’s only let gun laws soften

And maybe… just… maybe… they’ll happen less often?

There’s no other path, we’re stuck on this route

Wait…

Which mass shooting are we talking about?

Safe. Legal. And none your goddamned bus'ness!

 Safe. Legal. And NONE YOUR GODDAMNED BUS’NESS!

Well these are quite the times, we heard a ruling about Roe

The Christian nationalists on the SCOTUS gave it the heave ho

And since nobody asked me lately

If I would opine

On what my take on this whole issue is

Well, OK, fine

Since you haven’t asked

And since, I am a straight white male

I know you need my take on this post haste,

So without fail:

My opinion on abortion?

Well here it is, bear witness

It should be Safe, Legal,

And none your goddamned bus’ness

Don’t call yourself pro-liberty

If your government watches

And weilds sovereignty over

What we do with all our crotches

Especially if’n you’re livin’ down there in a southern state

With higher infant mortality

Than Leb’non or Kuwait (look it up)

Yeah third world rates of infant death

Here In the US Skippy

So don’t claim your pro-life

(I’m lookin’ at YOU Mississippi)

None of which will be helped by these laws

All of the like’ll

Put dumb criminal penalties upon the menstrual cycle

Here’s the take away in case you still somehow ain’t gettin’ dis’

Safe. Legal

And None your goddamned bizness

Br.

Are we really gonna try to numerate and try keep pegs

One what a female does with her each and every egg?

Cause then, equality!! Keep track where my sperms all go!

Cause frankly sirs, that info, you don’t wanna fuckin’ know!

(It’s really quite astounding, someone might wan’ call Guiness)

Safe, Legal

And none your goddamned bus’ness

So let’s take abortion and maybe

not let it make us tribal

Let’s not mention it even once.

You know, just like the bible?

(Doesn’t mention the word once

In its whole  long-winded thesis

Not by Moses, not by Joshua

Or certainly not Jesus)

This right should be sacrosanct

And it should keep it on goin’

As does your right to shut up

And leave well enough alone

As when it comes to gay marriage

Or a person’s contraception

The  mind your own bidness rule

Continues to apply without exception

So don’t bring legislators

To try get all up in this

Just make it Safe. Legal.

And none of your goddamned bus’ness