The Bible, sung to the tune of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”
You didn’t know you needed it, but you do.
God makes earth in the begin
Adam, Eve, Orig’nal sin
Fall of man, God’s great plan
Cain kills Abel
Flood and other this and thats
Canaan cursed, then begats
Table of nations, tower of Babel
Abraham hits rock bottom
Destruction of Gomorrah and Sodom
Isaac’s Sidekicks, Esau, Ishmael
Jacob steals the birthright
Then beats God in a fight
Stairway to heaven, now he goes by Israel
He runs off and double weds
Leah, Rachel, lots of kids
Run around, lost and found
Joseph gets a coat
Sold into slavery
Though his brother’s knavery
Feast and famine,
Lil’ Joe gets his game on
Then to Egypt they all go
Joseph working for Pharoah
Joseph dies
Plagues of flies
Moses grabs the ball
First borns die, lots of fuss
Moses leads an Exodus
Red Sea Deadly
To Promised land they crawl
Bunch of military stands
Burning bush, ten commands
Manna, hosanna
Little golden calf
Amorites, Amelikites
Cloud by day, fire by night
Tabernacle, buds on Aaron’s staff
Israelites keep up the pace
Moses gets a shiny face
Wrath of God, Ephod
Golden ark stays hidden
Breakin’ down the Jewish law
Sacrifices to the God
Sinai, Levi
Some foods get forbidden
Census taken, Folks rebel
God sends rebels straight to hell
Earthquake, Bronze Snake
Water from a rock
Balaam’s donkey, Midianites
Lots of real one-sided fights
Promised land, Moses banned
40 years? That wasn’t planned!
Eatin’ Quail and livin’ large
Moses out. Josh in charge
Crossing Jordan, Fall of Jericho
Circumcision at Gilgal
Caleb proves a trusty pal
Canaan! Ah man!
Fin’ly, in we go!
Battle entered, Sun stands still
Five Amorite kicks are killed
Plots allotted to the twelve tribes
Confident they’re fin’ly home
Now they bury Joseph’s bones
Praising, grazing
Lots of diatribes
Judges set to rule the place
But the people lose their faith
Deborah, foo for ah
This goes on a while
Othniel and Ehud bite
Gideon kills the Midianites
Micah, like ya’
Samson and Delilah
Samuel comes, folks want a king
That may ruin everything
God says fine, Philistines
Then they turn to Saul
Saul disses Samuel
Country then goes right to hell
David sings, grabs a sling
Then Goliath falls
Saul goes nuts from jealousy
David will the next king be
Might men, Jerusalem
David and Ziba
Lots of infidelity
Absolem’s conspiracy
Naughty hottees
Nathan, Bathsheba
Much much later David dies
Solomon is very wise
Temple built, no more guilt
Then the baby split
He kills off his enemies
Fetches lots of cedar trees
Then his death, what a mess
Everything to shit
Kingdom gets split in two
Lots of kings, god knows who
Ahijah, Elijah
Nehoboem, Nadab
Asa, Baasha, Elah
Omri, Zimri, Judah
Prophets come off it
Ahab, Ben-hadad
Ahaziah, Zechariah
Pekahiah, Hezekiah
Sallem, Menahem
Mount Carmel
Elisha comes, how ‘bout that?
Jumpin’ King Jehosophat!
Jehoazaz, Azaz
Jezebel
Elijah goes straight up to heaven
Still eating the bread unleaven
Axhead floats, scape goats
Kids get in a scrap
Envoys from Babylon
More and more kings on and on
God condemns
Jerusalem
Then we must recap…
Chronicles reiterates
Lots of names, lots of dates
Exile
Takes a while
Ezra rebuilds
Xerxes, Darius
Jews won’t intermarry us
Confession, Procession
Everyone is thrilled
Brand new walls begin to wail
Esther lives a fairy tale
Mordecai, real cool guy
Haman gets hanged
Nehemiah brings them back
Fends off loyalist attack
Exiles reconciled
Back! Well, I’ll be danged!
Brief tangent, now comes Job
Pretty little epic ode
Psalms and Proverbs
Praising things to death
Solomon sings a song
Chorus tries to sing along
Ecclesiastes, Life is nasty
All is meaningless
Isaiah born, ungrateful nation
Persians and Lamentations,
Prophesy, Poetry
Mountain of the Lord
Oracles, Ezekiel
Jeremiah goes through hell
Adultery, Imagery
Drought, Famine, Sword
Nebuchadnezzar’s dream
He gets Daniel on his team
Lion’s den, Shows them then!
God’s the way to go!
Floating hand writes on a wall
Fiery furnace free for all
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego
Jonah swallowed
Joel Hosea
Romans conquer all Judea
Zephaniah, Zechariah
Ain’t we havin’ fun?
Coming of Zion’s king
Zerubbabel, the signet ring
Malachi dots the eye
End of Act one!!!
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