A Ove Song

D Dsus2 A
I went to pen a song for you but I accidentay
D Dsus2 A
Knocked my cup of coffee over and spied iquid on the keys
G D G A
My aptop was totay fried but eventuy it mosty got better
G D A
And now it functions reasonabby fine with the exception of one important etter
D Dsus2
As for how my songwriting went
G
Obviousy not to we
D Dsus2 A
I tried to write you a ove song but my typewriter doesn’t have a
D Dsus2

2
It’s a most pequeiar probem I gotta talk with my computer wiz
I can’t even type the etter that I can’t type to te you what the etter even is
You can see it's causin' me endess troube and strife
I can't say how you’re my uscious itte ady who’s the ever ovin’ ight of my ife
There are otsa otsa otsa ines that I’m not sure that I ever get to te
I wanna write you a ove song but my typewriter doesn’t have a…

Sing
Tra a a a a a a a ah.
Tha a a a a a a a ah

C’mon. Sing a ong. A of you!
Now just the gentemen! Now just the adies!
Now a together!

Facebook Whore

D G

You asked me for your friendship

D A

And since I think I’ve earned it

D G

I went as far as logging in

D A

And clicking to confirm it

Gmin Dmin

But then I saw your list of so-called friends on your profile

Gmin Dmin

The list you have of cyberpals

A

Went on for miles and miles

D G

I suspected you a phony

D A

But now I am quite sure

G D

I thought you were my special friend

A D

(Pause) But you’re just another facebook whore!

G D A

Facebook whore

G D

I thought that you were special but turns out

A

You’re just another facebook whore

You’ve got ten thousand facebook friends

But it’s all just a show

I’m certain more than half of them

You barely even know

I can’t believe you take online

Relationships so gratis

Do you ever do anything else but update your fucking status?

I have to say I find your online etiquette quite poor

No I won’t sign your online petition

‘cause you’re just another facebook whore

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

Gmin Dmin

I don’t want you to poke me

Don’t write on my wall

Don’t send me little gifts

You do know those aren’t gifts at all

Don’t tag me in your pictures

Don’t ask to be a fan

Don’t ask me to take an online quiz

A

To see what Twilight character I am

D G

View quiz, I don’t think so, no

D A

Just watch me click ignore

G D A

You’re a livingsocial disease and you’re just another facebook whore

So now I am unfriending you

I’m gonna hide your face

No more do I want to see you

slutting up my space

I’ve had it with your links and likes

and all your facebook litter

From now I’ll only follow you

on youtube, I.M., linkedin and twitter

And no I do not want to join you

To play mafia wars

So take your invitation back because You’re just another facebook whore

Winlar: break-up Songs for Valentine's Day

Hey folks! Sorry for the late notice on this, but there's a big show this weekend! The ultimate fun date! Here's the skinny:

Winlar: Break-up Songs for Valentines Day Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Winlar, Former writer for Almost Live, NPR’s Rewind, The John Report w/ Bob and leader of the award winning sketch comedy group Kazoo! breaks down relationships from pick-up to parenthood and gives his irreverent take on love, marriage, children and other dating hazards with hilarious songs, jocular diatribes and stupid human tricks in a must see show for singles and married folks alike.(sorry, must be 21 or older to attend.)

It's at the Jewel Box theater at the Rendezvous in Belltown


Hope to see you all there!
-winlar

Conversation about God and gay rights

Hey Kids,
I responded to a comment line on facebook, which led to a lengthy discussion that actually got quite interesting! It's about the gay marriage initiative about to be voted on in Washington, which isn't really about gay marriage, but it is, so well, ya' know.
Anyway, too much work went into this on both sides, and I think that with both sides being somewhat reasoned and remarkably civil, (Yeah, I know!) I'd post it here for all to see.

As usual, the other voice (Name withheld so I don't get sued) is in black and my responses can be read in my usual purple prose.

The original post which set off the discussion (and of course became quickly moot) can be viewed here: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=199800974417&comments=

Internet Guy:
You correctly state that marriage is a religious institution however, it cannot be an institution AND a civil right. Civil rights are inalienable and given by God (and marriage is not one of them). Unfortunately, This IS a political issue because the debate is over changing the definition of marriage because we gave the government the power to ... Read Moremanage marriage through licences. The government should not be involved in defining marriage. There is little stopping gays from having relationships or "marrying" (they deceive themselves that God recognizes it). I understand the need for government recognized contracts between persons who are not married, and I have no problem with allowing them, but don't call it a marriage.


Winlar:
According to Dictionary.com: CIVIL: 1. of, pertaining to, or consisting of citizens. 2. of the commonwealth or state...
(It goes on to give 10 definitions and in none of which is God mentioned. So to say that civil rights are given by God is by definition wrong.) What rights we as citizens have are to be determined by us on this mortal coil ... Read Moreand that's the way it always has been. So is the way we define words like "marriage" or "God." If God wishes to chime in on this issue, he will have to register to vote and provide proof of citizenship like everyone else. Until then, let's keep this civil issue planted on terra firma thank you.

Internet Guy:
Brian, Thank you for correcting my mistake. You are correct that civil rights are not from God, the appropriate word would be 'natural' which was my intent, but I erred. It doesn't change my point that marriage is not a right. Additionally, God HAS chimed in on this issue, and given a very straightforward definition of marriage. Marriage is ... Read Morelarger than the state. If it is redefined by the state, it is no longer marriage, it is a corruption. We already fail to apply marriage appropriately, lets not make it worse by pretending to validate corruption with a vote and a false name.

It is curious that you also believe God can be defined by man which implies you don't believe in anything absolute. What do you believe in?

PS - I should have done this earlier, but I actually read the text of referendum 71, it actually states that same-sex relationships are NOT marriages. It gives them the same rights (should be privileges not rights) as married couples. I incorrectly implied from Jennie's "marriage equality" plea that the referendum was on same-sex marriage. I have no objection to the referendum.


Winlar:
If we define rights as "natural" then free speech isn't a right, nor gun ownership, nor voting, as ALL of these rights exist in our society as legislative declarations voted into or out of our constitution. As a free society we are capable and obliged to determine what is and what isn't considered a right for ourselves. A right is not magical gift... Read More, it is a decision made by the populace. Nothing mystical about them, except that they are blessings of history passed down from our founders to us. I hope to create and pass down the right to marry anyone they love to my children and grandchildren as blessings in that same tradition.

As to whether or not God has chimed in on this issue I have to ask, "Whose God?" I am of the belief that God is VERY powerful, and being very powerful he would write any opinions he wishes me to share firmly into my DNA. Since he has not done that on this issue, I maintain that he remains mute. (The bible being a collection of books clearly written by the hands of men attempting to define God--yes I have read it-- I give it no more credence on this issue than on its prohibition of "rounding the corners of ones beard," or "wearing clothes of two different cloths." To use such antiquated guidelines over our democratically reasoned constitution would be "absolute-ly" foolish.)

Internet Guy:
Brian, the point is that marriage is NOT a right it is a privilege. A right is an entitlement for all, a privilege grants a special consideration to a certain group.

I'm glad you believe that God is powerful, that confession gives you hope in contrast to your original claim that we (man) define God is if he does not exist. God is not mute, he has written this on your soul because our DNA is cursed. If you believe that God is powerful enough to create life than you understand that life (and liberty...) is a natural (self evident/inalienable) right given by God. Our government was setup to protect those rights not grant them.

As for your view of the Bible, the laws in Leviticus and Deuteronomy are for the Hebrew nation to remain separate from the idolatry of their neighbors and do not pertain to us Gentiles. We have a better law, the law of Love (Galatians 5:14). I believe a sincere investigation of what the Bible really says and why will clarify what God has already revealed to you.

Winlar:
Um, if you're going to throw away Leviticus, you're throwing away the ten commandments. Does "thou shalt not kill" not pertain to Gentiles?
As far as Love thy neighbor as thyself goes, I married the person I love. I will allow my neighbor to marry the person they love, even if my neighbor chooses to marry a same sex partner. Love is not a "special interest right," love is a HUMAN right. Why? Because I do not wish to live in a world where that is not so.
Marriage is a right most of us have that should not only pertain to a "certain group." This same argument was used to keep women from voting. I don't own fire arms, yet that right is protected. I am not a criminal, yet criminal's rights are protected. Being able to enjoy the same legal status as the majority of people and yes, even calling it the same thing (marriage) is not a "special consideration." It is equality under the law.
Government grants rights. The reason the Bill of Rights was so unique and wonderful is because of the long history preceding it where it hadn't occurred to anyone that people could even have these "inalienable" or "natural" rights. (Curious that the Bible never mentions that "excessive bail should not be required.") When our government granted slaves the right to vote it was wrong to do so? Is it divined by nature that "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people." The constitution, including all rights granted therein is simply law, and people make the law. We get to determine what is and what isn't a fundamental right with our votes and voices alone and that is the very most beautiful thing about the United States of America.

And as for sincerely investigating the Bible, I can think of no more sincere investigation of what the Bible says than reading the whole thing, as I have, as well as reading several books on the bible's origins, history and literary critiques. I'm a big bible nerd actually.
Almost named my child "Abednego" in fact. But if you really want to be spiritual you must look past God's supposed "word" and more to God's CREATION. A moderate study of science has taught me more about God than any Sunday sermon ever will. Einstein's definition of God as "the sum total of matter and energy in the universe," helps one function better in society than defining God as the Bible's human writer's did, as some petty tyrant who can't stand to hear his own name in an improper context.
Mark Twain once said, "Never let your schooling get in the way of your education." I would add, "Never let your churching get in the way of your spirituality." Yes, I believe in a powerful God. (The sum total of matter and energy in the universe is at last check, pretty powerful!)

A powerful God does not create "cursed DNA." A powerful God does not rely on an ancient book clearly written by fallible men to "define" him. A powerful God can at the very least "define" himself don't you think? A powerful God does not put a spiritual leader with a political agenda between you and him. Certainly not some spiritual leader who makes up things out of whole cloth like "cursed DNA."

Beware those who claim to tell you how God "thinks" or that they know what is "preordained" or "written." Beware those who would separate our society into "Those who can marry and the other ones." Beware those who claim that you are "cursed" and that "they know the way to fix you." They wish power over you, and if you believe what they say, they have it.

Health care in history

Well, President Obama has called upon bloggers to help the health care cause
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/20/obama-calls-on-bloggers-t_n_241570.html
So since it’s a presidential imperative, time to get back to the blog after what? Half a year? Here we go!

Some high comedy from history: It’s very fun to laugh at those in the past, mainly because they’re dead and can’t punch you for laughing at them.

Roman Emperor Marcus Licinius Crassus is credited with inventing the fire brigade. He was also one of the wealthiest men ever in the history of the world. How did he achieve such wealth and status? From Wikipedia:

Most notorious was his acquisition of burning houses: when Crassus received word that a house was on fire, he would arrive and purchase the doomed property along with surrounding buildings for a modest sum, and then employ his army of 500 clients to put the fire out before much damage had been done. Crassus' clients employed the Roman method of firefighting -- destroying the burning building to curtail the spread of the flames.

Yes, Crassus would pay pennies on the dollar for burning buildings, knowing that he held the only resource they had to put the fire out. (Clients means slaves btw.) And pennies being better than nothing, other Romans were forced to make the deal. Ridiculous huh?

It’s very funny to laugh at Crassus now that he’s gone and can’t march legions to your door, as well as at the hapless Romans who couldn’t see that fire is a PUBLIC problem, and that a private solution to a public problem can only lead to something crass. (Get it? Crass? Crassus? I told you this was funny!) Sometimes you need state-run entities like FDNY just to keep profit speculation out of things like fire prevention.

Anyway, have a good laugh at Crassus, as for thousands of years after we’re long dead, future generations will be laughing at us. And here’s the punch line they’ll use:

In the 20th and early 21st centuries, Hospitals actually ADVERTISED! On television! They literally would advertise to people to come and be sick at THEIR hospital instead of a competitor’s. “Hey, don’t die of cancer over there! No! You’re doing it wrong! Give us all your money and die of cancer over here!” It’s like the line “your money or your life,” but for real, and somehow government sanctioned.

Invented the fire brigade, ran an HMO... Hmm... eerily similar. Future generations will not be lacking for fodder when looking back to cackle at our backward ways.

Well I for one don’t want those jerks of the future joking at me, so President Obama, please, get us some single payer, or anything that’ll be better than this mess we’re in now.

Yours,
-Winlar

Thenwhat analysis

All right.

Sorry I’ve not blogged in forever. In my defense, I offer 3 excuses.

1. I have adorable children whose faces I can’t see whilst gazing into a computer screen
2. There were holidays and I was drunk a great portion of the time.
3. There’s only one person who ever reads this anyway. Which reminds me, honey could you stop at the store on your way home and pick up a loaf of bread?

(Actually that’s just a joke. My wife doesn’t read my blog. Nobody reads this. So you can see why it’s hard to motivate.)

Anyway I’ve been getting ready for the big inaugural bash (Jan 20^th, 7pm, Jewel Box) and like many others combining New Years’ resolutions and Christmas wishes with dreams for the new administration, I’ve been trying to nail down my one biggest hope for the next four years. And here’s what I’ve come up with.

My hope for the Obama administration is that they learn from the previous administration and do what I like to call the “Thenwhat analysis.” on the issues they must address. It’s very simple to do, but for some reason has been utterly rejected by the current administration.

Here’s how you do thenwhat analysis. Before you do something, you ask yourself, “If we do this… Then what?” Sounds simple right? I bet you do a little of that every day. Yet time after time in American politics, we neglect to do the thenwhat analysis.

Imagine if we’d done it say in Iraq? “Let’s invade Iraq.”

“O.K… (short pause) then what?”

“Well, everyone will live happily ever after?”

(Note, if thenwhat analysis comes back “everyone will live happily ever after” you have not done proper thenwhat analysis.)

“Oh wait, on second thought, if we invade Iraq, a lot of people will be killed, millions will be displaced, people won’t be very happy with us and we will be three trillion dollars poorer.”

“Hmm, let’s maybe not do that then.”

Or had we done a little thenwhat analysis with Bush’s tax cuts.

“Hey, let’s cut taxes on the wealthiest Americans while waging two global wars!”

“OK… then what?”

“Um… Oh, wait, we’ll wind up with the largest budget deficits in American History!”

“Hey let’s not do that maybe then…”

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we had just done some rudimentary thenwhat analysis?

So that’s my hope for the Obama administration. For every policy, may they just do the requisite thenwhat analysis.

“Let’s give GM a ton of money.” Then what?

“Let’s go to war with Iran/ North Korea.” Then what?

Let us always use thenwhat analysis for all things from here on in.

And that’s my wish for the Obama administration. That and health care. Let’s get us some health care.

--w

Second Christmas

Christmas it has come and gone
But in our land the spirit lives on
I needn't mention in this rhyme
We have but one prez at a time
But soon dear Santa has arranged
That we will get the gift of change
One more gift inside that bag
But waiting for it, what a drag...
Turns us into Christmas kids
Just about to flip our lids
Looking at our nation's stockings
Gaping back, so empty. Mocking
Wishing time could just get moving
Get our nation's luck improving
Naught to do but sit and mope
Until those socks get filled with Hope
Real change. Oh how good for the soul!
No more Rove-spun lumps of coal
I'm so excited, I can't speak
Second Christmas! One more week!

Whack Nativities

So there’s been a lot of talk about the atheist’s sign on display at the Washington State Capitol. It’s in a special area with a “holiday tree” and a nativity scene, the theory being that you can have a religious display on public property if you also open it up to other faiths (or lacks of faith) as need be. Well, the freedom from religion foundation took them up on it, and now… well we’ve got a hell of a mess. It’s not just ugly, it’s Bill O’reilly ugly, and that’s pretty ugly.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/6420ap_wa_capitol_holiday_displays.html

(Note to O’reilly: Matthew 19:23-34 “It is harder for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” See you in hell Bill!)

While I find the wording of the sign a bit harsh, and can think of a lot of other ways the point could be made, I do feel obliged to say to the poor, misguided folks protesting it that THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON’T KEEP CHURCH AND STATE SEPARATE! We’ve told you members of the Christian right and anyone else who might listen, that not only is the mix of faith and government bad for the state, it is also bad for religion. When you demand that religious monuments be displayed on public property, the public (read: government) gets to decide what face your religion shows to the world.

And it could be worse than just a few angry atheists. Imagine that the state-supported nativity that you fought so hard for included, say, I don’t know... Something ridiculous… Say… I dunno… a little figurine of a world figure defecating on the whole scene…

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/3545223/Caganers-figurines-of-defecating-world-leaders-in-Catalan-nativity-scenes.html

No, go back and look again. Scroll through the gallery and read it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/3545223/Caganers-figurines-of-defecating-world-leaders-in-Catalan-nativity-scenes.html

Yes, in the Catalan region of Spain, there is an actual TRADITION of putting a figure in the nativity who… oh, how should I put this? Takes a dump in the corner. Imagine if someone demanded that on the White House lawn! Imagine one of those full-size live versions... OK, stop imagining, be glad there aren't a lot of vocal Catalans in our state, and stop complaining when you hear "Season's Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas, glory to God in the highest."

And do think about this anytime you’re tempted to breach the walls between church and state. Your efforts could end up with a world leader literally and figuratively taking a crap in it.

Now is that really what you want?

Happy holidays, Seasons Greetings and Joyous Saturnalia,

-winlar

When We Say Freedom

When We Say Freedom… We Mean Money
By Winlar
2008
winlar@winlar.net

Many are confused by
U.S. foreign policy
They wonder what we mean when we say
“Freedom isn’t free”

Well, freedom has a lot of meanings
Different usages of the word
And our current regime’s definition might be
Different than ones you’ve heard

It’s a simple misunderstanding
You know it’s actually quite funny
When we say “Freedom?”
We mean money

You’ve heard our president say
“Freedom came under attack”
Our freedom took a hit
So we went and got some in Iraq

Our reasons for invading
Iraq were really sound
They have a lot of freedom there
Once you pump out of the ground

Bush done named it “Operation Iraqi freedom” done he?
Well when he said freedom…
He meant money

Bridge
There’s:
Freedom of the press
Fox news, and CNN
Freedom of religion
The Christian Coali-shen
And if our freely elected leaders you must reach
Well you’re gonna need to raise a little “freedom of speech”

They’ve watered down the word so much
It’s getting kinda runny
When they say freedom
They mean money

Fight for freedom in Darfur?
or Rwanda? Sure, well, fine
Just as soon as we can find a way
To make it fit our bottom line

It’s not that we don’t love third world freedom
Enough for war
It’s really nothing personal, just…
Ooh, they’re so poor!

Get some more foreign investment
Then we’ll talk there sonny
‘Cuz When they say freedom,
They mean money

I hope now that you understand
Why freedom isn’t free
You can only live in freedom
If you pay the membership fee

So as they say so proudly
“Let freedom ring”
I hear some freedom now
Ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching

We love our freedom so much
It really isn’t funny
And when we say freedom… we mean money!

God of STD's

I know. I'm going straight to hell, but at least we'll be laughing all the way there. Here's a song to help teach "Abstinence Education" to our nation's youth. Full lyrics and chords below.

God of STD's
By Winlar
2008
winlar@winlar.net

F Dm Bflat C

God created love. It’s the greatest thing he made

But that don’t mean you’re doing his will when you’re out getting laid

What you’re thinkin’ bout’s a sin the way you behave you

Must never ever act upon the urges… God gave you

Chorus

Bflat C

God created love

F Bflat

That’s plain to see

Bflat C

But our loving God is also

(Tacit)

God of STDs

F, Dm, Bflat, CCC

God created love so love with naught to hide

But know that God created love with one mean downside

God set down some rules for love in Leviticus

And ifyou not follow them God fills… your junk with pus

God is love, but platonic love

I think you will agree

Remember that you’re messing with

The God of STD’s

Bridge

Gm Dm

You may laugh and say what do I know about love

Gm Dm

You may taunt me or tease me or scoff

Gm Dm

But heed my advice and you’ll thank me someday

A C

When your penis DOESN’T fall off

Love’s a gift from God to everything that’s living

But God can also gift you with the gift that keeps on giving

So you might think that you love that boy so bad it gives you fits

But you never know when Satan might be lurking… in his naughty bits

Love’s a very blessed thing

We all can agree

But don’t mess with the blessings of…

the God Of STDs

So remember kids to use your bible not your common sense

Demons, hellfire, these are things that condoms won’t prevent

Life Romance and Happiness for those you’ve God to thank

But read the good book you’ll see on the eighth day… God created skank

Chorus

God is the creator of all eternity

But our maker has a side job…

God of STDs.

My Heart's in a Condition of Extraordinary Rendition

In honor of the news the NY Times reported today about secret missions our military has been conducting into countries we're not at war with, I thought I'd post this little song about "extraordinary rendition." That's where the CIA secrets people away to countries where torture is legal and, well, who knows what happens, but they supposedly start talking. This naturally inspired me to write a love song. Enjoy!

My Heart’s in a Condition

Of Extraordin’ry Rendition

By Winlar

2008

winlar@winlar.net

(Chorus)

My heart’s in a condition

Of Extraordin’ry rendition

No freedom since you got a hold of me

Been beaten black and blue

To make me say that I love you true

Your love takes some uncivil liberties

Oh the things my heart has done

Ever since I met you hon’

It really is so hard to explain

I said "how do you do"

And the next thing that I knew

My heart was handcuffed, gagged and forced onto a plane

My poor heart vanished with no trace

To some dark and scary place

You know they say that love can curl your hair?

Well it can straighten it out too

Especially when you

Got your Electrodes hooked up dear god knows where

Chorus

Bridge:

They say love takes one to strange places

Now I know what that means

I just wish your strange places

Weren’t run by such cruel regimes…

And now my love I’m locked in

To your love’s extreme shock doctrine

I haven’t felt quite right since don’t know when

Not sure where it will get us

But I love you dear, now let us

Never ever ever speak of this again….

My Endorsement

With one day left before the election, pollsters tell us that one in seven voters may still be undecided. How? You’ve had two years people! What kind of laissez-faire citizen must you be to not have accidentally gleaned enough info at this point to at least make the wrong decision?

But then I realized what it is everyone is waiting for! MY official endorsement. Yes, I realized that I haven’t officially endorsed anyone yet, and though it shouldn’t be too hard if you read my work, watch my shows, or hear my songs to figure out which candidate I’d endorse, if you’re still undecided at this point maybe you’re just not smart enough to read which direction I’m leaning without me out and out saying so.
So here goes:

I endorse, with nearly every fiber of my being, Barack Obama for President of the United States. So if you’ve been undecided, please go vote for him now.

Why?
In short, he’s one of us and all of the opposition’s attempts to paint him as “the other” have only managed to point this out in greater detail.
He wasn’t born to wealth and privilege. He’s worked hard to gain everything he’s achieved with an intellectual curiosity this college graduate finds deeply refreshing. He hasn’t turned his back on his roots either, pushing for health care, tax fairness, higher wages, and social equality for the middle class.
And outside of the many tangible issues he's right about, let’s just talk about the gut reaction we get from this guy, which is that he can flat-out lead. Whether he’s right or wrong, flim-flam or the real McCoy, I will follow this guy. I’ve heard folks question what this “Svengali-like hold” Obama wields over people is. Might I suggest it might be a thing called “leadership” that we’ve been without so long we hardly recognize it anymore? Dismiss it all as "words" if you must, but we live now in the information age, and commanding words is an important part of commanding a nation.

With this endorsement of course, I do not wish to disparage Senator McCain. Following his career as I have, I have always thought of him as an honorable man. I don’t wish to disparage him. Unfortunately, through his campaign, he has disparaged himself.

Senator McCaskill of Missouri said it best. “Barack Obama is running to fix America and John McCain is simply running against Barack Obama.” I’ve long respected Sen. McCain’s position on reform, but he has dishonored himself with the low nature of his campaign.
Perhaps out of desperation he has played the “guilt by association” gambit, a gambit which does a disservice to McCain’s honor, to our political process, and to logic itself. But since McCain began with that gambit, he has fallen victim to it, as his own association to a miserable unjust war, a running mate with no ideas or experience just bile and insults, and a Republican Party so mad to remain in power they will forego decency, morality and the good of the nation. Were this country the child in King Solomon’s Conundrum, they would clearly rather it be split than share the rule of it. Such friends defame you Senator McCain, and while I may have welcomed you in the White House, your friends have vandalized its walls and we can’t have them there anymore. You would serve your honor best to disassociate from such people.

So there you have it. I endorse Obama and any force to change the direction of this nation towards progressive policies where EVERY American dream stands a better chance of fulfillment.

Now go vote.

Ode to Joe the Plumber

Boy, Obama sure did have trouble answering that question from that guy who came up to him and... completely made it up... Bad mistake for Barack the Senator grounding his answer in reality while "Joe the Plumber" (Well, at least the “the” is accurate) based his question on a business that didn't exist and circumstances he just made up. But still, a folk hero is a folk hero and even this one deserves his own ode before he (hopefully) disappears into the abyss of political obscurity. So here we go.

You think a quarter mil’ a year makes you middle class?
Joe I hope you’re a good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math

Well Joe it seems you got yourself in one hell of a mess
Goin’ up there to Obama and asking him a question
And ever since we’ve seen you spoutin’ off your rabid views
About how you’d be taxed more to all who watch Fox News
Yes Joe, you sure hate taxes, no ifs ands or buts
But a little research shows Obama’d get your taxes CUT

You should have checked your figures there, before you spewed your wrath
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math!

You’d buy a made-up business, but you’re scared of the taxes
Uh, two secs to crunch real numbers will show you what the facts is:
Buying that unreal company won’t raise your tax berth
'Cuz you pay income tax on INCOME, not what the company’s worth
So great news! No one will tax you just 'cuz you’re ambitious
(And there’s no tax at all, when the company’s fictitious!)

So your little pretend company won’t make you take a bath
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, 'cuz you sure do suck at math!

You say that you’d be taxed more than the Average Joe
Just because you’d make ‘bout 6 times what average is? Oh NO!
Were your business real, which it isn’t, even so
The tax penalty that you’d pay, um, it ain’t a lot of dough
To avoid a coupla' bucks in tax, you’d honestly forgo
A 200 K increase in pay? Great business sense there Joe!

Instead of fake tax you'd pay, think of the fake wealth you'd amass
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, ‘cuz you sure do suck at math

The politics of laissez-faire sure do have their appeal
When you talk about people who aren’t suffering or… real
So stick to plumbing Joe, if your work is worth the price
And when you add your bill up please don't mind I'll surely check it twice
But as for punditry, your misspent fame, well, it’s been fun
But come Tuesday, your famous fifteen minutes should be done.

Use a calculator first, THEN talk out your ass
Joe I hope you’re one good plumber, ‘cuz you sure do suck at... political science, foreign policy, economics, country music, giving interviews, punditry, personal hygiene, oh, and math!