Not as Think as you Drunk I am

Not as Think as you Drunk I am
By Winlar™ and GT
©2007
winlar@winlar.net

It’s been a wonderful party
And now things are windin’ down
But I can see what you’re up to gal
Yeah I’m a been who’s guyed around

You think I’m just a little slit boshed
And you can have your way with me!!
But I got a surprise for you there babe
As you shall soon see

(Chorus)

I’m not as think as you drunk I am
I ain’t beer that much had
I can still straight up tall and stand
No, I ain’t tooin’ do bad!
I’m still thinking bell as a clear
I’m just as tack as a sharp my dear.
So don’t you natronprize me there ma’am
I’m not as think as you drunk I am

(Bridge)
I’m not so confused
It’s all a clever ruse
And since I can’t seem to keys my place
Why don’t we make out?
You’ll see it’s just a fake-out
I ain’t even close to fit-shaced.

I know you’re getting all worked up
Listnin’ to my silophosie
You’re thinking, “man, he can hold his liquor
Gosh I wish he was holding me!”
How can a man put ‘em back like I do
And not get remotely ripped
I can drink all the booze I want
If I just take tiny sips

(Chorus)

(Bridge 2)
Oh, I may speak queerly
But I can see clearly
Through my whatsome intoxicated eyes
Please don’t demean this
I really really mean this
When I say I really love you guys.
No. No. I REALLY love you guys
NO! I REALLY LOVE YOU GUYS!

I’ve seen the way that I look at you
Your eyes literally shout it
You think that I’m in the state I’m in
And you might do someone adoubt it
You think I’m she treats to the wind
And tonight just might be your night
Well I got sad news for you there babe!
…you’re probably right…

(Yeah, you’re probably right…)

(Chorus)

I gotta few brain cells too many....

This week's song seems apropos, as a comment on Hillary's assault on mathematics. The Clinton campaign's "We've received more popular votes" nonsense is an affront to common sense and clear thinking everywhere. Hillary, you know we love you, but the fact is that Obama is ahead by half a million votes. Check out this very informative link:
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2008/president/democratic_vote_count.html\
(Please forward that link to everyone you know in the interest in getting the unspun truth out.)

To keep repeating this obviously fraudulent claim goes well beyond spin and into blatant outright lie territory. Worse is that members of the mainstream media have picked up on it, and keep repeating this fabrication of logic. Shame shame shame.

As a Washingtonian, what galls me most is that with her slanted statistics Hillary not only throws out my state's unpublished caucus results, but also doesn't count our somewhat pointless but still official state primary! Obama beat her ass two times up here on the west coast of western civilization yet she chooses to ignore both in her anti-logic. She's ignoring the voters of my state TWICE!

Here's a thought. You say you're fit to be president? Well start ACTING PRESIDENTIAL for crying out loud. Presidents need to level with the public, shouldn't try to make lies true by repeating them, and can't change the laws of arithmetic when it's convenient. No wonder you're losing among the college educated and those who have the unfortunate habit of "paying attention."

So anyway, it hurts my educated brain. So here's a song about that:

Few Brain Cells Too Many
By Winlar + GT
2008
winlar@winlar.net

I’ve been trying to follow politics, and it just hurts my head
It fills me with confusion, migraines, angst and fear and dread
When I try to get my head around what's happenin' it hurts me
So I went to see a doctor, who came up with a remedy

He said what I got goin' wrong up there, what’s making me morose
Is unlike the average American, I'm followin' things too close
It’s not whatI don’t understand it’s that I understand too well
And that’s caused by these growths in my skull-ular region that the medicos call “brain cells”

So he gave me an easy prescription that I’m quite anxious to try
I got a few brain cells too many. I gotta make them go bye bye!

The doc could tell me right away, why politics make me hurl
I got an NPR type mind you see, and it’s an MTV type world
And that's why I'm not gettin' this thing called "Democracy"
It's being run by folks who watch reality TV

VH1 and C-SPAN both make more sense when you’re high
Got a few brain cells too many, gotta make them go bye-bye

Bridge

Now, The preferred way to kill brain cells is banging your head on the wall
Or just watch the State of the Union Address, and that should pretty much take care of them all
But I’ve got a plan that’s much more fun, and just might work a little quicker
Those brain cells think that they’re so smart, let’s see if they can handle their liquor!

Let’s see if they can stand up to the whiskey and the rye
Got a few brain cells too many.
Gotta make them go bye bye

And now I'm fittin' right in, I'm following everything to the letter
Sure the country and my liver may be going to hell, but my attitude couldn't be better
Now, me and the American public, we got but three brain cells between us
What else explains a land where Karl Rove is considered a genius?

It’s time for my medication, so here’s mud in yer’ eye
I got a few brain cells too many, I’m gonna make them go bye-bye!

Tater Tots

Girl you left me
Made me blue
I cried all the way through the drive-thru
And at the window
Destiny
A reminder how things could be
Golden brown
Cylindrical
Potato magic so wonderful
They came to me
Sizzling hot
Just like sex with you was not
(I had perspective on our relationship. And it goes something like this.)

(Chorus)
Girl you’re hot
I liked you quite a lot
But what you’re not
Is Tater tots
(Repeat)

Potato pieces
chopped up fine
And then rejoined a second time
Held together
By mystery
The way that love’s supposed to be
A magic bond
Thicker than blood
Between reconstituted spuds
Proof that our love
Was a lie
Inside a Taco time mexi-fry
(Girl, a fast-food side dish taught me more about love than you ever could)
(Chorus)

(Bridge)
Tater tots
From Taco time
Were once coated with spice and lime
But slowly as
Things came about
The spicy seasoning was fazed out
Much like immigrants
From Mexico
Often let their cultures go
In efforts to
Assimilate
Into these United States
(It’s very sad, this particular metaphor, but it is undeniable that tater tots and the American dream are quite delicious.)
(Chorus)

So girl we had
A lot of fun
But the tots tell me we’re done
They make feel
Comparatively great
When juxtaposed with our many dates
A simple tuber
Rightly fried
Can make me feel just as good inside
And here’s the really
Bitter part
I think they’re better for my heart
(Sorry Girl, the tots have spoken)

(Chorus)

What’s that girl? You want me back? Sorry girl, that ship has flown. Girl, you smell good. What’s that behind your back? Girl? Is that two large orders of TacoTime mexi-fries? One for you, and one for me? What? One and a half for me, and a half for you? Oh, you’re on a diet. Huh. Girl, I think I may just give you a second chance…

Girl I thought
I’d give you another shot
Because you brought
Some tater tots
(Repeat)

Nicotine Penis

Nicotine Penis
by Winlar & GT
©2000
winlar@winlar.net

I keep breaking up with you, boy
Can’t stand you one bit, but you’re so hard to quit
Each time we break up, yeah, it’s a safe bet
You’ll be back in my mouth like a cheap cigarette

Chorus:
Seems nothing can come between us
‘Cause you’ve got a nicotine penis
Each time I’m with you it leaves me so sad
Foul taste in my mouth and my breath it smells bad

But all of my plans to leave you Jack-o
They go up in smoke like so much tobacco
I try to stay away, I try to not date
But I get real, real cranky and gain lots of weight

(Chorus)

Bridge:
I’ve got to find another way
I’m into you three packs a day
This has gone way too far
After all a cigar is just a cigar
Just a cigar…

Even though you’re no great romancer
Your love eats away at my heart like a cancer
I’m like a victim in some sad fable
Love ought to come with a warning label

(Chorus)

So it’s no use, from good sense I’m evicted
Come to me, baby, I’m full on addicted
I’m all yours baby, please do not shun me
Take me away to flavor country

(Chorus)

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

Just Lay There

Go Ahead and Just Lay There 4.0
By Winlar™ + GT
©2008
winlar@winlar.net

G,D,C, G,G,
When I hear guys talk about their wives, it takes me aback
Expecting so much all day, and then fireworks in the sack
But we have a partnership hon, when push comes to shove
And there’s more to a marriage than just epic-mind-blowing love
Because all the things you do by day shine like a beacon
You know there’s no need for you by night to get your freak on

I’m not like other men love,
I know how to play fair
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there

When we lay together, do you know what makes me giddy?
Just thinkin’ bout how well you help clothe and feed our kiddies
So tonight I don’t need to see your sex skills blossom
And oh, I’ve got an appointment at seven tomorrow, so could you set the alarm, that’d be awesome.

We take care of business
That’s why we’re a great pair
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there

(Bridge 1)
D C
You don’t need to go down
G D
You don’t need to lube
D C G D
You don’t need to do any of those cool things I saw on YouTube
You don’t need to dress up
You don’t need to fuss D
You don’t need to invite over some of your friends who might be curious
G
Don’t sweat the boudoir baby
You don’t earn your pay there
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there

So don’t sweat the fact that we don’t always make the bed creaky
I’ll look on the Internet if I really want to get freaky
Don’t fret the acrobatics and all that shaken your fanny
If I want superfluous stuff like that, there’s always the nanny

I’m so glad we hired
That college-aged Au pair
For all you do for me darlin’
Go ahead and just lay there.

The Age of Paranoia

OK, so I’m going to the Mariner’s game the other night, and I get stopped at security to look through my bag, and they won’t let me in because I had, as a key chain, a small Swiss army knife. I should have remembered that we are living in the Age of Paranoia, and that such small potentially pokey things are a no-no for sporting events, but come on. This is a Swiss Army Knife! It’s not a weapon. Even members of the Swiss Army don’t use them as weapons. Honestly, I think one of the gadgets on thing is a white flag. This particular Swiss army knife couldn’t cut butter. Yet they made me walk all the way back to my car, or throw it away. I walked, in a huff.

So I was preparing a scathing blog about how ridiculous stadium security is nowadays. (That’ll show ‘em!) I mean what’s more likely, getting stabbed to death with an implement better designed to open bottles of pinot grigio than combat, or being beaned by a 120mph line drive foul ball? -This being a baseball game I was banned from after all- I had a whole list of other things that are allowed into stadiums which are much more dangerous. (For instance: They allowed me to enter with a pen and paper on which I can write dangerous things like, “If someone won’t let you into a ball game because of your Swiss Army Knife, choke the living S*** out of them.”) Oh, it was going to be a devastating critique of the fearful, ridiculous, terrorist loathing times we live in and the lengths we go to for the artifice of safety, all of it premised by the fact that, come on, nobody’s ever been killed with a Swiss Army knife, at least nobody that you’ve ever heard of.

Then, at the last second, just to be on the safe side, I googled “Killed by a Swiss Army Knife” and what should turn up? Mark Fuhrman’s book on the OJ Simpson case! Fuhrman speculates that the murder weapon wasn’t OJ’s hunting knife, but rather a Swiss Army Knife for which he'd found a box, but never the actual weapon. (Perhaps it was OJ’s key chain?) And with that, my blog premise was blown, and the devastating jokes therein ruined.

So I suppose I must concede this one to you, stadium security personnel. Your paranoia is justified. How can you know that I’m not a violence-prone former athlete and car rental agency spokesman? I guess my little combo bottle-opener, tweezers and toothpick could indeed be used lethally and treating me like a terrorist is perhaps the right thing to do.

But wouldn’t it just be easier to keep OJ out of the ballpark?

We Will Survive!

I'm going to try to have two posts this week, so do check back. But here's a little song from my last show with a nice message of hope after 7.5 years of misery.


Oh, and here are the lyrics:

We Will Survive
By Winlar™
©2008
winlar@winlar.net

First you got us scared, we were petrified
We thought that you would never lose with Karl Rove by your side
We spent so many nights thinking Democracy'd gone wrong
But we grew strong
Why can’t we all just get along?
We’re coming back
From your disgrace
No longer will we have to view that brain-dead look upon your face
We should have impeached your stupid cock
We should have kicked you out with glee
If only for your most disastrous
Foreign policy

Don’t get your ass
Hit by the door
You’re approval rating’s 30
No one’s listening anymore
You killed Al Gore and John Kerry with your lies
And politicized the memory
Of 4000 lost GI’s
Yet even so
We will survive
We’ve a thirst for liberty stronger than Bill Clinton’s sex drive
You say history will forgive
All your failed initiatives
What are you high?
But we’ll survive

(Ukulele solo!)

I’m surprised the bill of rights didn’t fall apart
As you built an empire like some two-bit Bonaparte
No more election nights
Feeling sorry for ourselves
You made Hillary cry!
But we didn’t lay down and die
Soon we’ll elect
Somebody new
Hell it may be a three-toed sloth
But that’d be better than you
And maybe we’ll get back our rights to free speech and privacy
And just maybe, once again we will be a democracy

Go USA
We will Survive
Oh I think from now on we’ll be the ones doin' the decidin'
We’re gonna get back a little thing called national pride
We’ll survive. Oh we’ll survive. USA!

The Rich Get Richer

I was planning on writing a whole thing this week, but I have a gig this Friday and that got time consuming, so instead here's another snippet from the show. Enjoy!

The Rich Get Richer
By Winlar and GT
2008
winlar@winlar.net

They say that in this life
There’s two guarantees
Death and Taxes
Everyone agrees
But two other things
To me seem more certain
Than paying dues to government
And drawing that final curtain
Death and taxes no, Two things have much more certitude
The rich get richer
And we get screwed

I called up my congressmen
Told him what I’d learned
Said I don’t mind the rich getting rich
But the second part has me concerned
He said don’t worry, he’s got just the solution
And that he’d get right on that if I gave him a contribution…
Here’s where I think you’d like to sing along with me too
The rich get richer…

In the eyes of congress
Two types of folks exist
Nobody, and those who can afford a lobbyist
If the poor have things so bad
Goes their summation
Why don’t they use their wealth, influence, and power
To change their situation?

I complained to the networks
Of beefs I had a litany
They said they’d get right to them
Once they’re done discussing Brittany
If you ain’t rich or pretty
The press will not heed ya’
That’s really weird, since
Liberals like me control the media
Here’s a little headline you won’t hear on cable news?
The Rich Get richer…

They tell me that it’s good for me this big supply-side con
But I don’t see much trickling down, I’m getting trickled on
A rising tide lifts all ships and will keep us afloat
Well that would give me solace
if I could afford a fucking boat!

Yet I’m still maybe thinkin’
Maybe It’s kinda strange
Maybe just maybe
Maybe all this can change
Maybe we’ll rise up and address the situation
Maybe we’ll reform things
Maybe we’ll change this nation
Maybe we’ll shake things up
Maybe who knows what?
And maybe flying pigs will just start rocketing out my butt
And you wonder why I have such attitude?
The rich get richer, and we get screwed

I Fell in Love with a Lesbian Again

Which One's Next?

Which One’s Next?
By Winlar™ + GT
©2007
winlar@winlar.net

Mark Foley, then Ted Haggard
Now Idaho’s Larry Craig
It’s hard to tell some conservatives from
Dogs humping your leg
It’s such a nasty party
With so darn much back stabbin’
I wonder what all’s goin’ on
Behind the doors of their log cabin?

Oh,
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Which one’s gonna end his career in a most embarrassing way?
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Which republican’s next to be gay?
Come on folks, it’s time to play
Which republican’s next to be gay?

Will Tom Delay
Be found out gay?
That would cause derision
A whisper campaign
Says it’s John McCain
He was in that Vietnamese prison

Does Thompson, Fred
Give strange men head
In an airport bathroom stall?
Who’s in the sack
With Sam Brownback?
That name just says it all

Chorus

If it’s Huckabee
That’d be irony
He’s so against gays marryin’
I could see Ron Paul
In a free for all
He’s very libertarian!

Gingrich, Newt
Thinks boys are cute
He’s just a big old bear
Romney, Mitt
Does nasty shit
In his Mormon underwear

Chorus

I think all their gay bashing
Gets them worked up as hell
Perhaps the party’s motto
Oughtta be don’t ask don’t tell
Those red state togs and colors
And all those who don ‘em
You really never know these days
So don’t turn your back on ‘em!

Giuliani
Hides the salami
With several foreign powers
Mr. Nine-eleven
Just gets revvin’
Thinkin' 'bout twin towers

Orrin Hatch
Would outlaw snatch
If he could get a quorum
And he doesn’t crave dick
As bad as Rick
“My name means lube” Santorum

Chorus

Such girly men
All of them
In that tent they keep so small
This ain’t too nice
But Condy Rice
Is the manliest of them all

All of them this year
Seem very queer
When shove comes down to push
I think they’re all gay
Look at the way
They’re staying away from Bush!

Chorus

A Cautionary Song

A Cautionary Song
by Winlar

As you go through your life my son,
Some things you shouldn’t do
Remember this advice my love
You’ll always find it true
Don’t ever lie or steal or cheat
Don’t be late for work
Don’t be slothful, Don’t be vengeful
Don’t act like a jerk
Don’t forget to look out for those folks who have the least
And don’t get stuck intractably
In two-thousand year religious wars
In the Middle East

Don’t forget your table manners Do not slurp your stew
Don’t forget to comport yourself, like you’ve got a frickin’ clue
Don’t eat at the table like swine feed at the pig-trough
And don’t fight a two front war, even Hitler couldn’t pull that shit off
Remember this and you will be the hit at every feast
And don’t get stuck intractably
In two-thousand year religious wars
in the Middle East

(Bridge)
Make sure you’re kind to everyone Make sure you always share
Make sure you never leave the house without clean underwear
Make sure to keep things tidy, if you can’t keep them immaculate
And make damned sure your WMD intel is accurate.
(Modulate)
Don’t look in the mouth when you get a new gift horse
Don’t try to form democracies with Military force
Don’t speak until your spoken don’t let good sense go astray
And land wars in Asia. Everyone knows that cliché’

But if you heed just one thing
Let me say last, but not least
Don’t get stuck intractably
In two-thousand year old religious wars
in the Middle East

Dumb ass

Curtain

Someone Impeach These Liars

Thanks to everyone who came out to my show this week. Here's the song that everyone is talking about. Lyrics provided below. Sing along!

Someone Impeach These Liars
By Winlar™
©2008
winlar@winlar.net

1.
Jessica Lynch, Abu grab
Brownie’s doin’ a hekva job
Homeless vets, National debt, Harriet Myers
Signing statements, Free speech zones
Wire tapping US phones
Black Box, Sam Fox
US attorneys fired
Shredding all the torture tapes
Covering up Blackwater rapes
Yellow cake, turned out fake, Guantanamo
NSA’s call database
Cheney shooting someone’s face
Lincoln group, S’port our troops
Gonzalez, Alberto

Chorus
Someone impeach these liars!
The nation’s burning and my stomach’s churning
Someone impeach these liars
This is such a fright that we’ve just got to fight it.
2
Bin laden set to hit US
Covering up Pat Tillman’s death
Walter Reid, Corporate Greed, Patriot act
Medal of freedom rewarding
Ari Fleisher, waterboarding
Downing street, redact, delete
No bid contracts
Energy task force
Tax cuts for the rich of course
Swift boats, Florida vote, Giving Sunnis guns
Abstinence education
Bugs in the United Nations
Bush-Blair, Plame affair, Haliburton

Bridge
Bad Intel, Bechtel, Buffalo sleeper cells
Clear skies, Dubai, Habeus Corpus denied.
Smart bombs, Bagram, Tying Al Qaeda to Sadaam,
Global warming, SoCal scorchers
Torture torture torture torture

2.5
Condom-less AIDS prevention
Permanent detention
Bolton’s mustache, Achmed Chalabi
Smoking guns, push polls
Healthy forests, Clean coal
John McCain, Stealth campaign
WMDs.

Chorus

3
New Orleans, down the drain
While we fought Sadaam Hussein
Little fibbies, Scooter Libby, Milking Schiavo’s plight
Rumsfeld as our wartime planner
Mission accomplished banner
White lies, black sites
Trampling on the bill of rights
All that Jack Abramoff junk
George Tenet, slam dunk
Tom Delay, CIA, what else do I have to say?

Chorus

4.
Blew off nine-elev commission
Extraordin’ry rendition
Dirty Bombs, World Com, Kenny boy and Enron
Claiming that you talk to god and
Still haven’t found bin Laden?
Darfur, Pakistan
Forgotten war: Afghanistan
Increased Coal plant mercury
Order 13233
Bremmer walls, free for alls,
Lyndie England takes the fall
Misled us about Iran
Man this list goes on and on
Stole election from Al Gore, I can’t take it anymore!!

Someone impeach these liars
The nation’s burning and my stomach’s churning
Someone impeach these liars
Until they’re gone it will go on and on and on and on…

Reality Check

Hey, this just in! A little snippet from my new show! Love, Politics and Love. Very well received this past weekend. (Thanks to all who came out!) One more weekend to come! March 14th and 15th at 8pm Jewel Box theater at the Rendezvous in Belltown. See you there!
--winlar