God Chose This President and ists.

So in honor of tonight's upcoming "debate" featuring things Sarah Palin has been told to say and things Joe Biden will be nit-picked for, I thought I'd blog the opening song of my last show. (DVD's of which are available!) which you can view by scrolling down.

But first, since I realize that for making fun of Gov. Palin I will be labeled a "sexist" by people who don't have a single clue what the term means, I wrote a little essay to edify.

The “Ist” thing

I’m not antifeminist. I’m antisarahpalinist. I’m not sexist, I’m anncoulterist. Specificity people. It’s what American discourse is lacking. I see a lot of people confusing political correctness with actual correctness, so we need a little crash course on how and when to use "ists."

What people still don’t seem to get about the ist thing is that sex-ist means that something insults the entire sex, as I would do if I said, “No woman should be vice-president.” That insults the entire sex. However, when I say, “any woman would be a better vice-president than Sarah Palin.” Well that’s about as un-sexist as you can get.

The ist thing does not apply to shots taken at any one particular person. You demean ists when you forget this. When I say, “OJ probably killed his wife,” I’m not saying “All black people killed OJ’s wife.” That's not even technically possible. If I say “Black folks all smoke pot,” that’s obviously as racist as it is untrue, but if I say “Snoop Dogg needs to put the pipe down,” I’m simply stating something well documented in the public record.
If I say that Pat Buchanon is a blithering jackass, would it be said that I hate all white men? Does that make me a self-hating white male? No. I hate blithering jackasses. This makes me a self-hating blithering jackass, but that’s just something I’ll have to learn to deal with.

So since I’m talking about blithering jackasses, let’s come full circle back to Palin. Sarah, stop trying to change the ist rules. The ist rules, when properly enforced don’t allow you to hide behind everyone who happens to share your gender, race, class or creed whenever someone happens to point out the fact that you’re a psycho. I'm not saying that you are a psycho because you're a woman, I'm saying that you are a psycho because you're a psycho. Don’t blame it on an ist or ism because someone points out that you personally have done nothing but slander and lie with your fifteen minutes of fame. It’s not sexism, it’s sarahpalinism and there’s going to be a lot more of it the more you duck behind a feminist movement you never previously seemed to want any part of. Stop hiding behind your gender and take your lumps like a… like a… well, let’s just say vice-presidential candidate running with a guy who opposed the ERA.

OK, now let's sing a song making fun of you.

Pointy-headed Intellectual

Since when did we decide in this brave land of the free
That to love our land we must be mired in imbecility?
The “love U.S. or leave it” crowd just keeps on talking tough
And as a proud college alumnus I’ve had much more than enough

I’m tired of so-called pundits telling me time and again
I’m less of an American ‘cause there’s more in my brain
A patriot is more than just a jingoistic dunce
We can win this war on terror using more than ignorance

So hear this once and hear it well you bloated balls of gas
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still Kick your ass

I’m tired of being told about how our shit isn’t stinky
By folks who think the Dixie Chicks are “just a bit too thinky”
My colors don’t run either and I love my Uncle Sammer
But when I write country songs I use PROPER GRAMMAR!

I can rock out with Bon Jovi yet appreciate smooth Jazz
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still kick your ass

Bridge
I can dance, I can sing I can play guitar
I can fact-check on the web like a superstar
I can beat you on the court, in the classroom or the bar
And the presets on my radio are tuned to NPR
(Don’t make me go all Nina Totenberg on your ass motherfucker! Cuz I will!)

I love people regardless of their gender, race or class
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
Public Radio member!
And I can still kick your ass
I'm not a snob, elitist or excessively refined
Just because I mock the hobgoblins of your wee puny mind
Did you not get that reference? I'll simplify a notch
I just zinged you quoting Emerson. Feel the burn bee-yatch!

I’m full of piss and vinegar, and wittily parsed sass
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still kick your ass!

Bridge 2
I pack a mighty wallop, so prepare to be out-flogged
And I got lots of free time so prepare to be out-blogged
I use Socratic logic, so prepare to be out-thunk
And I'm a Democrat, so you're gonna get out-drunk!
(C’mon, just you, me, and a cheeky Pinot Noir. What are you scared?)

I can quaff sip or chug it, just gimme the glass
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual
And I can still kick your ass!

So stop telling me that I should not influence this nation
Just because before espousing I look up my information
I got a love of country and a mind that's all my own
And that should trump a fat-ass and a radio microphone

Don't discriminate against me just because I'm good at math
I’m a pointy-headed intellectual…
Liberal!
Soccer player!
Community organizer!
And I can still kick your ass!

The Greatest Threat

Reminder! Last night to catch my show is tonight at 8pm at the Rendezvous in Belltown.
While you're waiting, here's your video fix of me:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Maverick!

Damn. Here I’ve been down on John McCain, only to just find out that he’s a Maverick! Why had no one told me? This changes everything! A Maverick!
So I’ve written a little rap about his life story as one maverick to another.

Maverick!
John McCain
Nothing says rebellion like more of the same!

Maverick!
Broke all the rules
They tried to tame him with in exclusive private schools

Maverick!
That’s for sure!
Lists among his pastimes 19th century literature

Maverick!
Born to be bad
So he ran off to work in the same place as his Dad

Maverick!
Rocked the nation
Doin’ what was expected from his family for generations

Maverick!
If he was to run free
He would need the strict discipline of the mili-trie’

Maverick!
Told ‘em all to go to hell
By doing what was ordered of him honorably and well…

Maverick!
No prison could hold ‘im
Except the prison that held him. It really held him.

Maverick!
Cage him? Please!
Only ‘til high-level negotiations ensure his release, Bee-yatch!

Maverick!
John McCain
Nothing says rebellion like more of the same!

Maverick!
Bring it on!
No job says “stick it” more than Senate Naval Liaison!

Maverick!
His mind is free
At the Episcopal churches he attended reg’larly

Maverick!
Loves to fight!
So he chose to represent the party of the rich and white

Maverick!
Got his own philosophy
Marching in lock step with talking points of the GOP

Maverick!
From hell done sent
All of his employers? The US government

Maverick!
Give him cheers!
Been stuck in the same job for 26 years
(And that job ain't exactly intergalactic secret agent rock star...)

Maverick!
Bucks the norm
By trying to find the middle ground for ethics and reform

Maverick!
Shakin’ up what he can
Tax cuts for the wealthy! Stick it to the man!

Maverick!
John McCain
Nothing says rebellion like more of the same!



According to Merriam-Webster:
Maverick: an unbranded range animal (especially a stray calf); belongs to the first person who puts a brand on it
And he's carrying that Republican brand well...

John McCain song and Thanks

Thanks to everyone who came out to my show this weekend! Hope you tell all your friends and fam about the one remaining performance I have on Friday the 19th. The show is getting some rave reviews and crowds have been most enthusiastic. I couldn't be more pleased.
Here's a little snippet from the show to wet your appetite for more!

Obama Tax Cut

If I've done this properly, clicking on the title of this post will lead you to a cool website that calculates the size of the tax cut you'll get if Obama's tax plan is enacted. I highly recommend that you check it out and forward it to every Republican you know. (Even ones who can't use a computer, like John McCain...)
-w

Show Tomorrow Night!

OK, well I have a show tomorrow night, so I don't have any time at all to blog, but I thought I'd just remind everyone about it (below) and also just vent with some random stuff that I'm not able to shoehorn into the show at this late date but feel like getting off my chest. So, in no particular order...

-When John McCain took office in 1982 the national debt was 57.93 Billion (with a B) bucks. It is now 9.5 trillion. Um, I know it isn't all John's fault and that he does fight against wasteful spending but if he's fighting, he's LOSING. If I played soccer the way McCain plays budget, my Dad would have offered me condolences and a lifesaver not let me be president.

-My pal Ingrid sent me a cool link, with one of many upcoming Palin gaffes.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/08/palin-makes-her-first-gaf_n_124792.html
So now we know that she's economically illiterate as well as scientifically illiterate and foreign policy illiterate. I enjoy learning more and more about this new fresh face don't you?

-Cost of bridge to nowhere: $398 million.
Cost of the Iraq war. $300 million. PER DAY!!!
So kudos on saving us so much money there J-Mac and Saracuda. Oh wait, you didn't save us any money, since Sarah still ain't paid the money back...
As I've said before, Democrats may be tax and spend, but Republicans are tax and KEEP!

-Funny bit of sketch comedy here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRqv1hbba5k

And a very funny rather pointed show here:

Winlar '08: Making Things Worse
Sept. 12th, 13th and 19th
8pm
$10

At the Jewel Box Theater in the Rendezvous Bar and Restaurant!
2322 2nd Avenue in Belltown!

As the political season winds to a close, scene-stealing comic genius Winlar, former writer for Almost Live! NPR's Rewind with Bill Radke and theater's Kazoo! sketch comedy group skewers the right with his last political show of the Bush Administration. Join Winlar as he wonders aloud who will do his writing for him after Jan. 20, 2009…

If you agree with Winlar's Politics, you will LOVE this show! If you don't agree with Winlar's politics, please don't vote!

(Warning! Performance contains ukulele and what is loosely called singing.)

See you this weekend I dearly hope!

--winlar

We have a new Dick!

So after hearing Sarah Palin speak last night, I have to say I was impressed. They way she reached out across partisan lines to make snide comments, spin and attack needlessly showed that she won't let things like decency, truth or manners get in the way of continuing the enmity and gridlock in congress. Nice. Hey! She kind of reminded of someone...

Hmm, so she's a self-described "pitbull" (Attack dog)
She hunts. (Though shooting animals from a helicopter is less hunting and more vandalism)
She's closely tied to the oil industry.

Here we've been worried that McCain would be continuing 4 more years of Bush, but now with Palin, we know that we'll be getting 4 more years of Dick Cheney too!

Palin the face

OK,
So as the firestorm brews about the many many fallibility's of Sarah Palin, I'd just like to chime in with my own note that I'm not hearing anywhere.

Sarah Palin thinks that Creationism is scientifically credible and should be taught in schools. Anyone versed in the subject to any degree knows that this goes directly against the grain as to the very nature of what science even is. So belief that public schools should waste any of the science curriculum on this completely discredited hypothesis demonstrates a woeful lack of science literacy.

But does a vice-president really need to be scientifically literate? Among the duties of the Vice-President's office? Chairman of the Board of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Arguably the most prestigious scientific organization in the world.

So John McCain has just selected someone to be Chairman of the Board of NASA who IS SCIENTIFICALLY ILLITERATE!

But let's talk about her son in Iraq and pregnant daughter instead because that's less "thinky."

News Quiz!

As I get ready for my political show, it’s time to make sure you’re up to speed on the issues, so that you’ll be able to follow along! So here’s a quick quiz!
(If you’ve been watching cable news, you should have no trouble matching the questions to the answers below!)
Good luck!

1. What positions have each candidate taken on the role of the World Bank, IMF, and WTO?

2. What is “Extraordinary Rendition?”

3. How many children are currently living in poverty in the US?

4. What is the number one cause of bankruptcy in the US?

5. How much money has each campaign received from the oil industry?

6. What occurred in Iran in 1953 for which Iranians still harbor resentment for the US?

7. What is John McCain’s health care plan?

8. How many voters have been “purged” off of eligible voter rolls in the past 4 years?

9. What positions do the candidates have on media consolidation?

10. How many Iraqi civilians have died as a result of Operation Iraqi Freedom?

Scroll down for the answers!






Answers:
1. Jeremiah Wright
2. Fist Bump
3. Brangelina
4. John Edwards
5. Elitist
6. Secret Muslim
7. Hillary cried
8. Seven houses
9. Lapel pin
10. Brett Favre

Nice Job! Sounds like you’ve been paying attention!
See you at the show!
--Winlar

Olympic Notes

Not a lot of time for blogging this week, as I'm working on my show and I have Olympic fever! So that in mind, here are a few thoughts about the Beijing Olympics.

-Every Olympics I become Canadian. They have way better coverage, far fewer commercials, and when they win something, man are they HAPPY! I’m so blessed to live close enough to the border to get the CBC. So as the Olympics go on, I just imagine that the border migrated about 300 miles south. Bob Costas versus Don Cherry? Come on!

-Fencing. There is nothing about this sport that would not be helped by giving the fencers furniture to jump around on. Doubles the ratings right there. Somebody needs to get on this!

-Not to take away anything from Michael Phelps' accomplishments, but aren’t the number of medals in swimming sort of inflated? Basically, you swim back and forth various distances, but you can double your medal winnings by being the fastest to swim the same distance a different way. (Butterfly, breast stroke, etc...)

How many more medals could track and field stars garner if they offered not only the 100 meter dash, but also the 100 meter skip, 100 meter run backwards, and the 100 meter hop on one foot? Jesse Owens would have had about 20.

I’m not saying that track should add these, but rather that swimming add hurdles. Some kind of aquatic javelin would also be fun.

-Lastly, synchronized diving? Why? Why do we have this? Why?

See you next week,
--winlar

Flip-Flopping

Hey all. 34 days to my upcoming show! Busy busy busy. But here's a timely rant that I'll likely cut from it. Enjoy. And remember. Sept 12th, 13th and 19th!

So this political process has brought us the stupidest accusations of all time. No I’m not referring to the accusations of secret Muslimism or being the Antichrist or that John McCain’s middle name is “W.” No, I’m talking about the accusations of FLIP-FLOPPING!
I don’t argue that both candidates have done it. They’ve done it early and often. They probably both flip-flopped twice in the time that it took you to read that sentence. That’s not the reason, however, that it’s a stupid accusation. It’s a stupid accusation because it assumes that flip-flopping is a bad thing, when in actuality it is the one thing I hope every candidate can do!

You know who never flip-flopped? Hitler. Anyone wish perhaps he were just a little more fickle? Did Stalin listen to the will of the people a little too much for you? Flip-flopping is the number one quality that we SHOULD want in a president.

I’m tired of politicians who say “I don’t govern by the polls.” Yeah, who cares about public opinion IN A DEMOCRACY!

“Oh, he’s a flip-flopper! He… listens… to the people he… works for… then he tries to… do… what they want…. That’s not the way things are supposed to be, is it?”

Memo to politicians. As an elected official, YOU WORK FOR US! And we are a fickle, fickle bunch. So you’d better be flexible and you’d better start flopping!
We forget that we’re the bosses in America. The corporations don’t forget that. But the people do. We, the unwashed are SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE!

An election is like a job interview and the American people are doing the interviewing. And when you’re interviewing for a job, the answer to everything is “Yes sir!”
Don’t start the interview by listing the things you won’t do:
“I don’t believe that government should be the solution.” Try telling the folks at McDonalds that you don’t believe in fast food. See if that puts you on the fast track to management.
“I think the free market works better than government.” Try telling Burger King, “I think the tables will bus themselves…”
“My philosophy of government doesn’t allow me to take that position.”
Yes, and my philosophy of breakfast doesn’t include ham and egg burritos, but you shouldn’t tell that to the folks at Taco Bell. It upsets them.

I’m so tired of “Government shouldn’t do this” and “Government shouldn’t do that.” I got news for you. This is a democracy. Government can and will do whatever we goddamned want it to!

Stop having opinions and philosophies of government. We don’t pay you to have opinions. If we got paid to have opinions in this country, I’d be a fucking millionaire. You’re not in office to espouse your opinions; you’re in office to carry out our whims!

No. We the people want an employee, not a bunch of crazy opinions. Start acting like a boot-licking toadie if you want my vote.

Oh, and you’d better kiss some babies. Why? Because babies have fat cheeks and we want to know if you’re good at kissing fat cheeks. We just may have some more fat cheeks you’re gonna need to be kissing. Do you get what I’m saying? Thank you.

Power to the people!
Winlar out.

Socialize This!

Hey! Sorry to not have blogged for so long, but I've been on vacation, and working on (drumroll please...)

MY NEW SHOW!!

Winlar '08: Making Things Worse!

September 12th, 13th and 19th at the Famous Jewel Box Theater in the Rendezvous Bar and Restaurant! 8pm! (Still amazingly just 10 bucks!)

Mark your calendars!

And as a little teaser, here's a little snippet that I'm working on for the show Enjoy!

Here’s a complaint I get sometimes. “You’re a Communist! Like Hitler!”

Man, that hurts. Did you get that GED from Harvard?

It really bothers me that whenever Democrats suggest anything to even slow capitalist greed down they call Democrats “Socialists.” Hmm… So Socialists receive millions of dollars in campaign contributions from huge corporations? Is that what they’re about?

The whole thing is ridiculous, because Socialism means that the government would actually ever have some kind of power, and I don't see either party recognizing that...

What is anybody even talking about socializing? We can’t even socialize health care, and that’s been proven to WORK!

But this got me to thinking that perhaps there are some industries out there that we should take a long look at nationalizing. Some that, quite frankly, need some federal help. So, without further ado, a quick list of some industries the government couldn’t possibly run any worse than they are being run right now:

Cable TV. Does anyone here have the Comcast DVR? Tell me that even the least effectual government bureaucrat could not improve on that unadulterated piece of shit. Fast forwards for 5 seconds, and then it just freezes. The thing makes ColecoVision look like a supercomputer

Honestly, the cable companies are sucky monopolies anyway so making them a government monopoly couldn’t possibly be much worse. They have it coming. It’s a done deal. Cable companies, we’re nationalizing you tomorrow. Sometime between noon and six pm. Be there.

Sports: Um, last time I checked, we’re building all the stadiums anyway… You keep hearing sports franchises saying things like this: (This is based on a true story, perhaps you’ve heard it?) “I just bought this franchise for 350 million dollars, and now you have to build a 500 million dollar facility, or we’re leaving!”

So an easy solution, why don’t we just pay the 350 million and buy the team ourselves and then spend the extra $150 mil on free beer?

Clay Bennett, may he rot in hell and by that I mean, “may he rot in hell TODAY, wouldn’t be anything more than a rich asshole. (As opposed to a rich asshole with my fucking team. Yes. I'm still bitter.)

The Post Office: Imagine a utopia where the government controlled the mail and a letter sent easily and efficiently from doorstep to doorstep anywhere in the country for but 40 cents. What an idealistic dream that would be… Oh wait, skip that one.

A State-run Ministry of Propaganda: You know, to give glowing, biased accounts of what great things the current administration is doing… Oh wait, that’s already outsourced to Fox news. That one’s done.

Energy: This would be a big reversal. I know we’re used to the energy industry running the government, but we should take a turn running it for a change. Sounds like a fair trade.

Um, the oil is under OUR country. Um, it is sort of the linchpin of the entire economy. Perhaps we should have at least some government control?

Maybe the feds couldn’t do better than $4.25 a gallon, but I’d rather get sodomized by someone I can vote out of office rather than have no say whatsoever as to the price of gas. Plus, in the future when we go to war for oil, this cuts out the middleman!

And speaking of getting sodomized, that leads me to:

Pornography: State run porn! It's the best idea I have ever had! We already had a preview of this with the Starr Commission report.

This could be a moneymaker! I have it all figured out. C-SPAN 4! Sexual Congress!

Starring Eliot Spitzer. Larry Craig, Mark Foley. Now they’re earning their congressional salaries!

Think of the marriages it could save:

“Are you downloading porn, you sicko?”

“No hon, just seeing who to vote for… Man, I’m such a good citizen!"

Sure, keep government out of a woman's uterus, but there are some other parts that I'm comfortable with it touching...

“Introducing Bill HR 1423 sub clause five: campaign finance reform. The vote for cloture will now begin… (Cue the bad Jazz-funk fusion music) Boump bit di boum boum…” Everybody wins with this scenario!

Just a few suggestions. Feel free to comment and suggest some of your own!

Until next week,

--winlar