Trump is an Alien

When it finally comes out that Trump is and always was an alien from outer space sent down to destroy humanity from within, we’re all gonna feel pretty stupid. I mean, the dude is bright orange for crying out loud! It’s gonna be quite the head slapper. We really should have seen that coming.

He’s not even that good a simulation of a human being, right? That simulation is flawed. They messed up the software. He’s clearly still in beta testing, but they rolled him out anyway and 44% of us fell for it.

Would you really be surprised if he was just what an alien thinks a human being is sort of like? “I don’t know. Humans talk about how great they are all the time don’t they? They aren’t capable of compassion are they? Because programming compassion would take a lot of time and 2016 is right around the corner… Tell you what, we’ll give him spite, vanity and vengeance as far as emotions go, but nothing complex. Tight skedj here!”

The fuckers didn’t even bother making him a NATURAL HUMAN COLOR! And we (well, 44% of we...) bought it.

And he’s working out perfectly for them. He’s warming up the planet to just the temperature they want. “It’s all a Venusian… I mean a Chinese hoax!” He’s got everyone mistrusting everyone by race, ethnicity, and population density. Divide and conquer. No way humanity is rising up Independence Day style. Nope. He ain’t no Bill Pullman. (I would totally swap Bill Pullman for him right now, no questions asked. Straight up trade today, no backsies.)

It is the perfect blueprint for taking over another planet, if we ever get to that level of advancement. (Which thanks to Trump and his fear of science, we likely never will now.) 5 easy steps:

1. Install a “leader” in the planet’s most powerful country.
2. Lie 18,000 times in 3 years.
3. Let him work his orange magic teaching that the only way forward is to hate, fear and divide.
4. Make sure he never wears a tan suit. Oh the scandal! The scandal!
5. Make Pluto Great Again!

We’ll have them drinking bleach in no time.

They Drown

New poem:

There’s a child in a pool

Water it can be so cruel

See him there, for the third time, he’s going down

Oh he’s not doing well

So he’s raising holy hell

And while you ask, “Why’s he screaming?”

He drowns.

While you ask, “Why’s he screaming?”

He drowns.

There are people on a boat

Trying hard to stay afloat

It’s aflame and taking water all around

They send up an SOS

Reasons for which you can guess

And while you ask “Why are they screaming?”

They drown

While you ask, “Why’s he screaming?”

They drown.

It always seems quite telling

That we fixate on the yelling

And we never seem to ask why that’s the case

Folks scream out that they’re boned

All we’re concerned with is the tone

And that there is our national disgrace

See the frogs in the hot water

How we tell them that they oughta

Get out of there, their situation stinks

But they boil and they choke

They quite literally croak

We ask “Why the screaming?” as

Their precious species go extinct.

It isn’t so heroic

To think yourself quite stoic

And cop a laissez faire attitude

To watch them desperate trying 

Then tell them “while you’re dying,

Could you please spare us all the drama there dudes?”

As The ocean levels rise

To absolutely none’s surprise

And many of us see what’s going down

Because we’re going under

Lord, we raise a royal thunder

And while you say “Why are they screaming?”

We all drown.

While you say “Why the screaming?”

We all drown.

While you say “Why are they screaming?”

Everybody drowns

Toddler in the White House

Worship. A poem

Show me what you have and I’ll show you what you worship

I see the Mother with her seven children

I see the Husband dote upon his wife.

I see the preacher with his private helicopter

Show me what you have and I will show you what you worship

I see the Diva soaking up her fame.

I see the Comedian driving bar to bar, joke to joke.

I see the preacher with his shiny gulfstream

Show me what you have and I will show you what you worship

I see the Politician and his war chest.

I see the General and all his arsenal.

I see the preacher and his golden watch.

Show me what you have and I will show you what you worship

I see the Artist in a garage of canvases, reeking of oils

I see the Mechanic covered black in grease with rough scarred hands

I see the preacher clad in Armani before an awestruck throng of rubes

Show me what you have and I will show you what you worship

I see the Surfer, sandy tied to longboard.

I see the Addict shaking, lighter in hand.

I see the preacher in his megachurch of crystal.

Show me what you have and I will show you what you worship

I see the Librarian and a sea of books

I see the Scientist and a mountain of data

I see the preacher and his multi-media global empire

Show me what you have and I will show you what you worship

I see the writer with not much more than this poem

I see the monk with faith, a robe, a hard floor to sit on.

I see the preacher with his giant piles of other people’s cash.

Show me what you have.

Show me what you have.

Show me what you have and I will tell you

Adam

God knew Adam before he was born. He knows everything, so this was not a surprise.

Controlling time and space as he does, He pulled Adam aside, touched him by the finger
as is commemorated and asked him if he was prepared for the task ahead of him. God
showed compassion to Adam, because, despite the current evangelical opinion, God
wasn't a bad person. He just wasn’t a person. At all.

God gave Adam a choice. Such as it was. God gave Adam a choice.

God spoke. God asked:

Adam,

said God, in his most person-like persona:

I will make you the first man. The only man for a while. And the fleeting fame therewith.

It will go badly. You will die. Bad choices will be made. Blame will falsely fall. All would
have died anyway, but all subsequent death will be blamed on you. The original.

Your sons will be murderers, victims, and excuses. You will bear a world so corrupt it needs
be reconstructed and redone over. Millions drowned. World rid of your hateful offspring
by baptism of all but eight. A Baptism of no further breath… Then the whole world will start
over with the same exact awfulness. A flood proven pointless.

Generations upon generations will issue from there. It will not go well. There will be pain.
And all of it will date back to you. All of that pain will in some way I suppose, be yours to
bear.

There will be still-births. Hope snuffed out by me and blamed on you. So often that it won’t
be talked about. Children, all, smited by my righteousness but mostly by my whim. And no
mortal knowing the difference of the two. As if they might matter. Blamed on you.

And then, my dear Adam. Oh, you do not know what this is yet. My greatest joke on you
perhaps.
But it is called war. And what a waking nightmare that is my friend.
(For Adam was God’s friend. As I’ve said. God is not a horrible person. It’s just that he is
not a person…)

War my friend. This will be worse than all of it. You will have millions of children! Oh
glorious day! Who would not want this?  But then they will kill each other! Oh! Will they
kill each other! Millions will kill each other! With the Jawbone of an ass. Then with a
sling full of stones.Then sword and sword and sword and sword… Arrows and arrows.
Bullets and bullets, then bombs and bombs.

Not always in my name. True mostly in my name.  But not always. I shall take solace in that,
though solace means little to me. I made solace for you, but not nearly enough of it.

There will be crusades where prisoners are taken and days upon days are spent executing
them with swords, one by one, because they can not be fed and hatred would deem that
even if they could, they wouldn’t be. Blood. On sand. On water. On the richest loam and
over the most fervent crops. For every excuse the landscape gives, ten times that much
violence. It is not the land that makes the bloodshed, it is your children, Adam. Your children
shall kill and kill and never be worthy of me or the conversation we’re having right now.

And have I mentioned Famine? And Pestilence? Your children will think it cliche, but they,
with War and Death will eternally be there. They shall ever ensure that only the pettiest,
the greediest and the self-servingest of your children shall survive. Sure, some will figure
out what math and logic are, but that will only make the other deaths more tragic..
Twenty-thousand years of illogical pain before logic is even invented. And all that that
discovery will give your children is more shame. More shame than your eternal soul will be
able to bear.

Oh! And! said God. And and and and and!

Have I not mentioned the gas chambers? The genocides? Do I even need to?
Are you still even listening at this point? And such will happen over and over and over
again… Your children who are different than your children killing your children who are
different than your children...

Cain killing Abel six million times. Abel killing Cain six billion more.

Hatred, hatred, hatred. Busloads of children on a bus destroyed in an instant by bombs
they never saw coming. Bombs that they never imagined existing. Babies. Born to the
wrong place. Babies born to the wrong time. To the wrong “race?”  But they are your babies,
born to your Earth. It is not a good world Adam. It is no world you want.
Said God, as human as he could be, though not being human, he couldn’t be.

Adam my dear Adam,

I have little hope for your children.

I see all that is and can be.

Adam, I don’t see any chance for your children.

Adam, I don’t see any future for your children

Adam, I don’t see any one thing that can possibly save your children.

So tell me Adam. Said God  (who was not a bad guy,though not a guy.)

Will you take on this task? Will you be the first man?

Knowing all I have told you. Knowing the past, present and future. Will you be the
progenitor of humanity and all the doom it entails? Will you make this bargain?

Will you take this on?

And, after only but a moment’s unnecessary thought...

Said Adam:

“If you throw in LAUGHTER... you’ve got a deal….”

THE END
Thanks for reading.
-winlar

He's Not A Real Christian

I was born an evangelical

My family worships god

So this the last election,

Well I found it pretty odd

That so-called evangelicals

Gave whole-hearted support

To a man who acts so much more like

The devil than the lord

So I feel there’s something I must say

to evangelicals

About the guy they voted for

Come on guys, what the hell?

He’s not a real Christian

He’s not a real Christian

He’s not a real C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N

You were born yesterday

If you think he’s born again

He’s not Christian.

Never a Christian

Ya’ best wise up and wise up quick

He’s not a real Christian

He’s just a dick

I’ve listened to his speeches

They’re really all quite witless

No respect for God’s command

thou shalt not bear false witness

He stirs up hatred daily

and he whines like a boss

Clearly acting like HE was the

one up on the cross

No other gods before God?

Well, it could not be clearer

The only god he ever worships

He sees in the mirror.

He’s not a real Christian

He’s not a real Christian

He thinks enough arrogance and greed’ll

Get his camel through the eye of a needle

Not Christian

Such a fake Christian

He’s selfish immature, his soul is sick

He’s not a real Christian

He’s just a dick

Bridge

He’s full of hate and vengeful

Jesus said turn the other cheek

He’s a freakin’ ego maniac

Blessed are the meek

He can’t get enough of torture

Jesus preached empathy

He’s trying to close our borders

Jesus was a refugee

Don’t you see?

He’s not a real Christian

He’s not a real Christian

His racist xenophobic Muslim ban

Our Lord and Savior would not be a fan

Not Christian

He’s such a fake Christian

His outlook’s positively Satan-ic

He’s not a real Christian,

He’s just a dick.

So come on evangelicals

Don’t tell me this liar

Is really who you’ve gone and picked

To be your new messiah

Or is this bogus holy talk

All just a clever ruse

To give your inner racist self

A biblical excuse?

If that’s the case, then I’m afraid

I’ve got one more refrain

And it goes out to you until you grow yourself a brain

You’re not a Christian

You’re not a Christian

Jesus said “Give unto Ceasar”

Not grab married women by the beaver

Fake Christian

Don’t be a fake Christian

Jump the heck off of his sinking ship

C’mon become real Christian

Don’t be a dick.

Inauguration Song

He’s gonna make America great again

He’s gonna do nothing but win, win, win

He’s drain the swamp and bring coal jobs back

He’s gonna end all future terrorist attacks

He’s gonna teach us the meaning of freedom.

Oh.

And he likes to get peed on.

2

He’s unpresidented, there’s no disputin’

He’s ain’t no puppet of old Vlad Putin

He’ll bring to the office his logic and reason

He’ll lead us all without a hint of treason

Forget majority rule, let’s just speed on

Oh,

And he likes to get peed on...

Bridge

Oh the evangelicals love him so!

He’s friends with both Corinthians, you know!

They came and voted for him in reams

He must symbolize their Freudian dreams

He’s their new messiah, no dispute

What would Jesus do? With Russian prostitutes?

3

So bask in the warm stream of your vote

To put the USA into a leaky Russian boat

You can’t believe a word he’s ever said

But your in bed with him now, so try not to get wet

Wear your galoshes and just proceed on

would it really surprise you

If he also likes to eat poo?

An open letter to Elizabeth Warren

Dear Senator Warren,

I am certain that you must receive thousands of emails urging you to run for president. That decision is yours and yours alone to make, but should you decide to run for that office, may I please implore you to announce your candidacy as soon as possible? America needs you to run for president NOW. 

America needs hope now. America needs to see an alternative now. Not a year from now. Not during the next political season. Right now.

When Americans think there is no alternative to a president, the ability to resist said president is compromised. Bush was able to pass draconian tax cuts in his first days. We can not afford to give this president-elect a cloak of apathy to take this nation his racist, deceptive and undemocratic direction. We need to see that there’s another way. A better way. A better person, a better direction, a better leader and that that leader is visible just ahead on the horizon. Without light at the end of this tunnel, I fear what a nation in despair will fall to.

I know that you will provide loud opposition from your position in the senate. But that is simply not the same and will not incur the same coverage as being an active candidate for the office of president of the United States.  Since you will be boisterous in defiance anyway, why not do it from a visible platform? The media hardly covers politics unless there is a “horse race.” Loud opposition from the floor of the senate simply doesn’t resonate like campaign rallies, stump speeches, canvassing, voter outreach, yard signs. Imagine the impact on the discussion a full-on presidential campaign would create.

Your candidacy could really help turnout in the midterms. Low voter turnout always dooms the left. But your candidacy could turn 2018 into a referendum. You could get out the vote endorsing candidates, and raise the profile of house and senate candidates. As you know, Republicans have ludicrously gerrymandered congressional districts so the lift is heavy indeed. The ground work on retaking the house needs to begin today under the full shining light of a presidential campaign.

And even if we can’t change the house and senate, such active and vibrant attention could change the debate and force this awful man in office to change the debate.  Fear of your presence on the political scene could force him and the GOP to change their ambitions. You may force them into “Me too” political decisions that would greatly aid the country.

I know it is a big ask. Two years of campaigning can be exhausting, and I am asking that you do four. But a majority of American voters are already with you! The popular vote is already on your side! Democracy demands that someone give our 50% a voice. You would start at the top of the hill, going downwards. Every minute you wait means movement backwards. Let’s keep pushing from day one to turn our majority into actual majority rule.

Thank you for all you have done and continue to do for our nation. I honestly think that the majority of your contribution to our country lies ahead in our future. Our very very very near future. The nearer the better.

Yours in democracy,

-Brian Wennerlind

CDs and DVDs for sale! Just .0003% of your yearly income!

Hey fans,
CD's and DVD's best of all INSTANT DOWNLOADS of my shows are now available!  www.winlar.bandcamp.com

The price? A mere .0003% of your yearly income! That's three ten-thousandths of a percent, of your gross yearly income!
Yes, I'm pricing them fairly on a sliding scale. If you make the median U.S. income (around $50,000) then your price is a mere $15. Make less? Pay less! Make more? Pay more! (If Bill Gates buys just one, I'm set for the year!)
This way I can provide access to my comedy to all at a mathematically fair price.  The teacher, the custodian, the fast food chef, and the hedge fund manager. Everyone gets a fair chance to laugh at my egalitarian humor.

Not going to check your IRS records, so we're on the honor system here, but just determine the price by multiplying your yearly salary by .0003 (I know, I studied math in America too. It's hard. But you can do this! Just use a calculator) And that's the amount you should send. Or just pay what you think fair. Nobody's judging. Except me. And I'll judge. Boy, will I judge...

It's also optional to you whether you want me to write the price you paid on the item itself.  Use it as a status symbol, or keep your financial situation a secret. Up to you. I'm totally cool with it.

To order instant downloads just click here: 
www.winlar.bandcamp.com
Sample and download to your heart's content. So easy! (You can even send one as a gift to someone else, all at the click of a mouse!)

To order CD's or DVD's send an email to winlar@gmail.com with the title(s) you want, CD or DVD, (or both) and how much you're saying .0003% of your yearly income is! (Total trust exercise. Don't let me down humanity!)
Include your address and I'll ship them out for free, and you can mail me a check (remember checks?) for payment. Easy as 1,2, 3 multiplied by .0003.

Shows available for purchase:
Winlar! Father of the Year
Winlar! Sayin' Stuff
Winlar! Dirty Songs for Drunk People!
Winlar! Whatever I feel like talking about!
Winlar! Live!
Winlar! Nothing Controversial, Just Sex, Politics and how to raise your children

And more!

Great Christmas items! (Bet nobody else gets your friend a Winlar CD!) Autographs available on request. (Not from me, but I'm sure I can get somebody to autograph it. My friend Gordie maybe?)

Here's some sample video from Winlar! Father of the Year!:

Plus, there's more on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYyfnkD9120

Thanks for your order!
(This is how I'm trying to feed my family now, so it's much, much appreciated)

-Winlar

Winlar! Father of the Year!

Hey fans! New Winlar show! Friday Sept 19th!
Jewel Box Theater at the Rendezvous Bar and Grill in Belltown.
8pm!

Here's the quick skinny:

Comedian, husband and father Winlar will be regaling the audience with tales and songs about husbandry and fatherdry all night long. Edgy and creative, the show pokes fun at the realities of marriage and parenthood.

Written and performed by Brian "Winlar" Wennerlind, former writer for NPR's Rewind with Bill Radke.

Also performing at the Jewel Box that night, comedian Brian Babylon of NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me! So lots of comedy to go around! (If you have a ticket for his show, I'll let you into mine for free. 2 for 1 comedy! Can't beat that!)

Tix to Winlar are just 10 bucks at the door. Club is 21 and over.
RSVP at the link below, and we'll hold you a seat!

https://www.facebook.com/events/674857619270931/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming
Spread the word! Come one come all!

Here's a sneak peek!

Text You a Picture

Lots of requests to put this one online.  NVSFW, but loads of fun and quite topical!
Enjoy!

Baby I know it’s important to you 

In this cybernetic new age 
You need a man who is tech literate
And can find his way ‘round a web page 

Ipads and Ipods, webcams and cell phones 

I’m well equipped there as such 
But I’ve got another, more old-fashioned gadget 
That you care about just as much 

You can’t decide yet if I am your dream man, 

Well I’ll get you out of that funk 
You’re gonna fall in love with me baby
When I
Text you pictures of my junk

I need a way to prove I’m your man 

And I know a way just sublime 
To show you I have both packages you’re searchin’ for 
And I’ll show you both at one time 

Your eyes are asking two questions of me

And my answers to both, they will free you 
Why, yes that is a smart phone in my pocket 
But I’m also quite happy to see you 

Some say we’re not right together, 

But we both know that’s all bunk 
You’re gonna fall in love with me baby
When I
Text you pictures of my junk

Bridge: 

If we lived in ancient times 
Prehistory or I dunno know what 
I’d paint you cave drawings, or send naughty faxes 
Or photocopy my butt 
But we live in a brand new day
Where I can connect with you dearie
So what do you say
We have a four-way?
You, me, Carlos Danger and Siri!

So now we know each other's megabits better

I think it’s time that we dated 
Don’t you want to see a little more me 
More live, and less pixilated? 
 
So confident that my exhibition  
Will prove to you I’m worth your whi-le 
C’mon baby let me into your inbox
And please god, do not hit “reply all” 
 

Today’s modern marvels showcase my marbles

Ten years ago who woulda thunk?
You’re gonna fall in love with me baby
When I
Text you pictures of my junk

The War on Drugs

Hearing some of the absolute right-wing garbage about how the new marajuana laws in Washington and Colorado are going to be the ruin of western society, I felt it necessary to post this quite poorly performed song from a show or two ago, in order to remind everyone what a glorious and spectacular failure the war on drugs has been so far.  Funny how some government failures are swept under the rug and others the pundits won't stop yammering about.  Anyway, enjoy:

What if I’d  told you I’d had a fix for poverty?

What if I’d said that we could end it permanently?
So we spent a lot of money, and for forty years we strived
To eradicate the problem,  ruining countless lives
Then after 40 years you asked me to report
Is poverty gone? Did we make progress? What sort?
What if I said, “It’s all about the same” and shrugged
Ladies and gentlemen, the war on drugs

2.

What if I’d told you that I could feed the world?

And you gave me the go ahead and I’d given it a whirl

And since 1970 I’d spent 1.5 trillion dollars
But fed no more people Would that raise a hoot and holler?
Or would you laugh and find it grievously funny
When with a straight face I hit you up for some more money
You’d ask me what kind of cough medicine I’d chugged
Ladies and gentlemen the war on drugs

Bridge

If this were some more progressive enterprise
Would anybody really be all that surprised,
If we had called it quits a long time ago?
If we had had the common sense to "just say no."
We quit all kinds of stuff, leave lots of things unsolved
Why is this diff’rent?  Is it cause guns are involved?
Cops, criminals and congressmen acting like thugs
Ladies and Gentlemen, the war on drugs

3.
What if I told you we could close so many prisons
Fund education better, lessen race divisions
Decrease urban blight and the causes underneath
Put cops back on the streets who aren't armed to the teeth
Stop providing price supports for drug-dealer's greed
And give suffering people the medical attention that they need
We could do all those things if we just pulled the plug, on…

Ladies and Gentlemen...

 

Atheist at Christmas

One of my New Year's resolutions is to finally "come out" as an Atheist.  Couldn't think of any better way to do it, but with this song.  Lyrics below.  Enjoy!

There’s been some talk about a War on Christmas

Implying there’s no way to celebrate

The happy holiday without at a’blurrin’

The line betwixt religion and the state

They say the season is meant for “Believing”

But I believe that’s just a load o’ guff

All you need to believe in at Christmas

Is eating and drinking and giving and getting stuff!

(Chorus)

It’s fun to be an Atheist at Christmas

Trust me, I’ve done lots of research

Great to be an Atheist at Christmas

All of the presents none of the goin’ to church!

At my house there’s a moment every Christmas

We think ‘bout getting on our knees to pray

But then we realize that we don’t have to

And we just go open presents anyway

No deity brings us the Christmas spirit

It comes along ‘cuz simply ‘tis the Season

For us to be nice and to give to others

There needn’t be some supernat’ral reason

It’s fun to be an Atheist at Christmas

In no way does that make the season flawed

Great to be an Atheist at Christmas

All of the presents none of the blood-debt owed to some sky-god

 

(Bridge)

We skip the mass.  We skip the prayer
We skip the rosaries

We skip those comic’ly embarrassing live nativity scenes

We just blow off the churching

We hold days off too dear

Which makes us just like everyone else

Except for twice a year

Fun to be an Atheist at Christmas

Ye are free to do just what thou wilt

Great to be an atheist at Christmas

All of the presents, none of the Catholic guilt

I know, I know, the “True meaning of Christmas!”

The Virgin Birth, the manger, all those trappin’s

But in our house it’s all about elves and reindeer

Which seem to me more likely to have happened!

Sure the tale of Jesus’ birth is nifty

A magic guy with 12 most helpful friends

But Santa’s got 9 flying reindeer

And his story doesn’t have the violent end…

Fun to be an Atheist at Christmas

The joy simply cannot be denied

Great to be an Atheist at Christmas

All of the presents none of the baby who’s gonna get crucified!

So don’t tell me that there's a“War on Christmas”

Just 'cause some folks wish Happy Holidays

If being kind and thoughtful attacks Christmas

You’ve lost that war already anyway

And If you’ll pardon this strange contradiction

For an Atheist this time is heaven sent

The best gift of all’s telling Bill O’reilly

And Sarah Palin they can just get bent!

It’s fun to be an Atheist at Christmas

That’s not even open for debate

Great to be an Atheist at Christmas

All the presents none of the Santa, oh wait we get all the Santa too!  (Even Naughty Santa!)

All of the presents, none of the carolling… No wait, this is a carol, we get plenty of carols..…

All of the presents none of the drinking…

Wait, we get TONS of drinking… guilt-free drinking…

Oh yeah, that's it...

All of the presents, none of the pious Fox news commentators!

 

Happy Holidays everybody!